Happy New Year's Eve! Let the Journey continue!!

What am I gonna be doin goin into 2010?? Chillin at the parentals house with the fiancee..playing pool...watching the bowl games..and just relaxin...and im lovin it..haha. Reese and I are such old folk. When discussing what we wanted to do to bring in the new year we discussed goin out, goin to friends' houses, and then almost simultaneously we looked at each other and said "let's just chill" hahahaha...we're such losers. But the good thing is we BOTH are so we got each other to hang with so it works!!!

As for a New Years resolution? I dont really have one...its a good idea and all but if u know there's something that needs to change in ur life or that u need to weed out, improve on, build into, etc than why wait for the new year? Start THE DAY you realize it! Another day is never guaranteed and ya gotta make the most of the NOW so i try and make my changes and tweek wat needs to be tweeked with every moment im given. Now dont get me wrong i do plenty of these moments: "Man I know i need to work on my patience...buuuuuuuut im really irritated and this just isnt even rt" and i start playin the excuse game and then say ill work on my patience next time. It happens ok? Dont judge me. lol. And for the record God has worked on me and my patience level quite a bit...but im still a work in progress...still gettin molded to become wat my creator intended me to be...

Things that I HOPE TO DO in 2010 tho is to continue to grow in relationship w God, plan reese and my wedding with my mama, possibly GET MARRIED (but its lookin more like early 2011...we want a classy yet SUPER FUN winter wedding), take the time to really enjoy the wedding plannin process, and possibly get involved in the music ministry at our church, Crossroads. Something else I plan on continuing to do is digging into my faith and searching for where God wants me to be in my faith journey. I was raised catholic, but ive been goin to an "inter-faith" church for the past 3 years and i LOVE IT and have GROWN SO MUCH because of it, but i OFTEN have different members of my immediate/extended family encouraging me to "come back" to catholicism bc of this, that, and the other and they r so genuine in their concern and sometimes it makes me rethink things...like maybe there's something about catholicism ive missed and need to re-look at...i dunno...to me its just a bunch of religion...and i pray about it constantly and i feel at peace with my decision about crossroads and my growth in my faith and relationship with God...until somebody brings up the "come back to catholicism" talk...Now, i have NOTHING against the catholic church...if that works for u and ur growth in ur faith and relationship w God then RIGHT ON...but i just dont havnt experienced that in the catholic faith...and i dont see the need to claim a sect of christianity...i just want to LOVE GOD GEEEEEEEEZ!! Why am I questioned and why are people concerned about me just bc i dont go to a catholic church?? IM LOVING GOD, GROWING IN HIM, LETTING HIM GROW IN ME, AND ACTIVELY PURSUING HIM DAILY...in accompaniment with attending weekly service, volunteering in my church community, and loving every minute of being a part of such a great community...i just dont get how the religious sect can be SO important??

I still want to have a catholic wedding, tho. The catholic church has played such a large part in reese and my life and we have so much respect for the catholic church...it also would be pleasing to our families since the majority of our families (both sides of mine, the dads side of his) are catholic...and we really are still searching and still looking to deepen our faith...however that may be...catholic...or interfaith...etc. We just love God, want to grow in and with him, and we will do that in watever way He leads us to. I hope that we are supported by our loved ones with watever path we are lead to. And i hope i can find a final peace about it all. I hope we all can find a peace about it all.

Anyhoots! I pray everyone has a safe entry into 2010 and u treat everyday as a chance to make those "new years resolutions" a RIGHT NOW possibility. May God surround you all with His love, peace, and blessings...HE IS GOOD!!! So thankful for 2009 and all he showed me, gave me, taught me, helped me accomplish, and challenged me with. Lookin forward to 2010!! Let the journey continue!!!!!

Soon to be Mrs. Brown :)

HE PROPOSED!!!! The day finally came...I knew it was coming for a while (us getting engaged, that is) but now it finally is a reality and i got the ring to prove it! And it's BEAUTIFUL!! He did a great job...it's absolutely perfect :)

How'd he do it? Well here's the story...

Every year my 317 ladies and I have our annual Jesus Party (He is the reason for the season yall!!), and this year the date was set for Saturday Dec 26, 2009. Apparently, Reese had been planning the party behind the scenes..even tho i thought I was the whole time..silly me...lol. My 317 ladies had known apparently for a quite a while his plans of proposing to me on the day of our jesus party so he would talk with my friends so that THEY would then basically pull my puppet strings to dance the way reese wanted me to dance...so essentially i had a part in planning my proposal as well hahaha. Anyhoots..just for background he essentially planned the DAY, LOCATION, TIME, etc of the Jesus party (which i guess could also be now called the proposal party). Usually we just have the girls at the party but this year we included significant others bc we said we were gonna make it more of a "celebration party" bc so many of us had something to celebrate (graduation, getting out of orientation, a recent move, etc) so there were more people at the party than usual...apparently this was orchestrated as well...i been bamboozled for real...

REWIND to Reese and Jessi's first kiss....picture it. We are at the Kovatch house and about to play a game of pool, best of 3 wins. If he wins, I have to crawl across the table and kiss him on the cheek. If I win, he has to wear a Dwight Freeney jersey for a week. Result--> I lost. So i made my way across the pool table (no damage was done to the leveling of the table..thank ya jesus im light...oh yea and dont yall start thinkin i was crawlin all trifalen and sexy cuz yall KNOW i was goofin off the whole way lol). At the end of the pool table crawl/jig I went to kiss him on the cheek...and that turned into the first kiss. How beautiful right? hahahaha.

FAST-FORWARD to Dec 26, 2009.

Reesaferd: "You been sayin we'd have a re-match in pool...so lets go then"

The beautiful one: "WHY NOW?!? all my friends are here and i dont wanna go downstairs to play a game of pool."

Then, after remembering reesaferd stating that i ask too many questions and ill prolly never allow him to propose to me bc of all the questions i ask, i decided not to ask anymore questions and just go play the game of pool.

Game one. Jessi the fabulous wins. Reesaferd racks the table. Reesaferd wins. Jessi begins to rack the table.

The beautiful one realizing reesaferd wont even roll down the balls in the far corner pocket: "Dang you can't even help me out?"

Reesaferd: "You lost...u rack em"

As I rolled around to the last pocket..I reached down into the pocket for the balls and there it was! The most beautiful brown box I've ever seen. By the time I pulled it out and looked up at him he was on one knee, making my heart melt with his words, and tearin up (it was allergies guys really...allergies...). My answer? Well I sat and deliberated for a while...weighed the pros and cons... oh who am i kiddin i said YES before he could finish all his beautiful words hahahaha...i kinda wish i couldve suppressed my natural reaction to say YES just to harrass him and give him a hard time but i was too excited, the ring was too pretty, and i love him too dag-gone much.

"Everyone upstairs already knows...dont they?" I asked.

"Oh yeah" he replied.

"Well just for the that then let's play another game and make em wait!" hahahaha

After we finished the last game of the 3 (i lost...dont judge me) we headed upstairs and when we opened the door i had my closest friends and my family there with balloons, poppers, cameras, hugs, and shouts for the newly engaged couple!!!

*IT WAS PERFECT*

We both knew that a ring/engagement was in the future bc we've know for essentially our entire 2.5 year relationship that we'd be getting married one day (he still claims he knew from the first day he met me...apparently the first time we met he told his friend, nicole, "I'm gonna marry her one day"...and she actually validates this claim...i still think it was a lightweight, not serious remark but he stands by his claim that he KNEW he'd marry me one day). I'm so happy that this day was SO special, tho...even tho we both knew itd happen at some point he planned everything so perfect so that this day would be special and a memorable milestone in our lives. He's the greatest :)

Now we're just SO GEEKED to get the ball rollin and get married!!! I'd marry him today if there wasn't wedding planning to do!! I just can't wait to enter into a new level with him in marriage...can't wait to be MRS. JESSICA BROWN and the female co-ceo of the Goof Troop family (that's what we are callin out family...the goof troop..t-shirts will be available soon for Goof Troop members and supporters)

Now it's time for WEDDING PLANNING!!!! Not that i havent been lookin into stuff for the past 2 years hahahahha...but now i actually get to PLAN!!! and I actually will GET MARRIED!!! Oh im just so geeked...and SO BLESSED and thankful that God led us to eachother...Can't wait to start the next chapter of our lives as Mr. and Mrs. Brown :)

LET THE WEDDING PLANNING BEGIN!!

CHRISTMAS IS IN THREE DAYS!!! CRAZY!!!!! Perdy dag-gone exciting if ya ask me!!! It's such a humbling day...God sent his son to be born in a MANGER (not such a stereotypically king like crib eh?)..in essentially RAGS...and born the SAME WAY you and i are born (unless u were born c-section of course lol)...and yet this little baby born in such humble and far from king-like conditions God knew would be King of Kings and save us all. Not only was he BORN in humble and "normal, un-king like conditions" but he DIED a death that seems so unfit for a king. Atleast unfit for the worldly kings. It's just such a humbly and sobering time for me because in all my craziness, with all my mistakes, and for all those rather humanly errors i still have yet to make God sent his SON done to be born to live, teach, and die for ME...for YOU...because His love is just THAT GREAT. It just blows me away and while I often feel so unworthy of such love, compassion, mercy, grace I know that that is WHO God is and if I truly wasn't worth it then God never would've sent His son down to us. As I grow older Christmas grows deeper and deeper to me and in me...I joke around a lot sayin "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!" and wat not but i truly am geeked as corny as i sound bc im so grateful i have his birthday to celebrate!! He wouldnt have been BORN if he didnt have a BIRTHDAY...DUH! lol. Na but seriously...im just so humbled and in awe by God and those that sit to the right and left of Him and im so happy we have this time of year to celebrate because HE IS WORTHY TO BE PRAISED!!

Ok...sooooo i could go on forever about my man Jesus but now ill go onto my worldy things...lol. Soooo STILL workin on Reesaferd's stocking but making some SERIOUS progress! And wats REALLY exciting is he decided he wanted to make MINE so hes been sittin right next to me making mine while i make his!!! Im not gonna lie...i kinda doubted him....but mans a beast...lol...please everyone take a second to sit and picture maurice (a 6' 7" 235 lb basketball player) sewing sequins on a stocking...AHHHH ITS AMAZING hahahahahaha!!! hes the greatest :) It's been awesome havin him home, too. I can jump on him and attack him with my killer hugs and crop dust him ALL THE TIME NOW! life doesnt get much sweeter. We went to the festival of lights the day he came back and i really think i looked like a 4 year old goin out and exploring christmas lights for the first time...i sure as heck felt like it...when he kissed me i felt too young for it and i thought i was gonna get cooties from holdin his hand. Ok. Maybe not. But i did feel like a little one in wonderland but thats kinda me and him all the time sooooooo i suppose its nothing new so i should stop makin a big deal out of it. How sad. Anyhoots...we LOVED IT! it was a little frigid but our LOVE WAS HOT LIKE FI-AH!!! So we stayed warm.

Now I just gotta get thru work tomorrow. Then itll be CHRISTMAS EVE so well have the AWAITED show at Crossroads in accompaniment with SCRUMPTIOUS hot cocoa and then hangin out all day till dinner with his family that evening!!! Then...back to work but only for 8 hours on Christmas day...followed by driving DIRECTLY to indy for christmas din din with my fam-o and then the annual Jesus party on Saturday with my indy gurls+significant others!! Im super geeked. Then its christmas with his dads side of the fam on sunday...then work work ...then new years EVE plus kovatch christmas get together!!! THEN itll be 2010!!!! THIS IS MADNESS PEOPLE!!! SHEER INSANITY!!!! Time has flown fa real fa real! Tori (jaliyah) will then turn the big 6 on jan 3!! CANT U BELIEVE IT!!!! I cant believe it's really been 6 years...just crazy....anyhoots! Im gettin all worked up and excited but i gotta be asleep right now cuz i gotta wake up when its still pitch black tomorrow morning....i didnt intend to be typing/talking for this long...this has been a live broadcast from the lovely and fantabulous jessi...until next time...eat your fruits and veggies.

Pride hurts...and I got the bump to prove it

Ok. So I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything here. I'll admit it. I got some serious pride. Now granted I don't have pride when it comes to much but when I do have it BOY I got a hard time controllin it. And BOY does it bite me in the butt.

Exhibit A
So Reese, Nicole, Jeremy, and I are all hangin out at the apt right. Jeremy and Reese went for a run. Nicole and I chilled at the apt after I got home from work, and then I started workin on Reese's stocking again. Jeremy and Reese went and tossed football (i had to sit this one out...I think im gettin a cold...booooo) so I stayed plopped on the couch workin on the stocking and then i decided to be nice and make dinner for everyone (dont get excited..im not betty crocker...i made hamburger helper beef stroganuff...nuthin exciting...although it is QUITE delicious if i do say so myself! Made with that quality L-O-V-E! lol) Anyhoots...So reese and jeremy finally arrive at the apt. We eat dinner. We then precede to watching "Four Christmases" (FABO movie...def recommend to thou art fellow movie viewers). I ate some pudding. It was a nice night. But then Reese had the world's smartest idea that we'd all play a game. We were gonna play Catch-a-Phrase. Sooooo just for a little el historio about catch-a-phrase read on...the last time reese and i played catch-a-phrase together as a team we got a little rambunctious. Now when I say "we" i mean "ME". So what? I got a little loud and was KINDA yelling bc he couldnt figure out the word i was trying to get him to say even with my OBVIOUSLY amazing and perfect (DUH) clues and gestures...it was all in good fun tho! I really wasn't bein competitive that night! But that was when the competition was sensed radiating from him...it smelled like old bologna...and i didnt like it. From that night on the innate drive to be the #1 competitor came out in him and ever since then ive had a hard time playin any games with him. And not even bc hes acting competitive...but bc i know that ,whether he shows it or not, he HATES to lose and he LOVES to win...and i dont like when others get pleasure out of me losing...is that childish? Most definitely. Is that pride? At it's best. Or would it be at it's worst? I dunno...it's pride tho and thats the point im tryna make. I really don't mind admitting if im wrong, if i am defeated, etc for the most part...i am EXTREMELY in tune with the fact that i am OFTEN wrong (and ill admit it when i am wrong...even if its diffifult to state sometimes) and i am often defeated in games/sports/etc cuz welp...ya win some ya lose some. And sometimes I tolerate that fine...and wellllll sometimes i dont...it's just the way it goes. I do try my best and bow out gracefully but sometimes i have a harder time than others...Ok so before i start rambling im gonna go back to tonight and catch-a-phrase.

So Reese and I are on the same team right? And wat's crazy is just PLAYING the game with him got me all into it and competitive...its terrible...i hate admitting this...i was so weak to my competitive drive tonight. And for real...i MEAN IT when i say im really not competitive...i just have to add "for the most part" at the end of that statement as a caveat. lol. Soooo after a few rounds of playing the competitor in me was growing tired. All i could hear was the rapidly sounding buzzer waiting to go off and all i wanted to do was win...but i could careless if reese and i beat nicole and jeremy...i just wanted to prove that i was really good at both being the guesser AND being the person to act out and lead reese to the answer...it all boiled down to competition against HIM. And not even bc he was being his full blown competitive self tonite...in fact he was obviously trying really hard to not be competitive cuz he knows how i dont like it when he gets that way with me cuz of wat it brings out in me...competitiveness and frustration...so essentially he was bein Mr. Boyfriend of the Year (as he usually is...i def got a good one :) ) and it didnt matter to me the effort he was tryna make to change his inner competitor around me bc of how he knows it makes me feel...it was too late...thru my eyes all i saw was a ferocious competitor hoping to defeat me (remember...we are on the same team....) Now just to ADD in there....he def was competing against me (his teammate) to be the best guesser and the best actor/clue-giver person but i really have a feelin that it was ME this time creating the competition. How sad. BAD JESSI! So I have the little word saucer thing and the phrase was "bait and tackle" so i had to get him to say that...he was having a RATHER difficult time with the word "tackle" which is ridiculous bc a few rounds before i had the phrase "fishing tackle" to act out and he got it but this time i did the SAME gesture and said the SAME thing and he couldnt get the world TACKLE!! In sheer frustration i began to switch it up cuz he clearly wasnt gettin it...so i thought id talk sports to him (quick interjection...ladies...if u cant get thru to your husbands/boyfriends/brothers etc...talk sports or somehow relate it to sports and theyll get it)...i began to describe football and how if he has the ball id run after him and try to tackle him...SO in my fervency i began to run towards his middle section to imitate a TACKLE. This is when the damage was done. The timing was perfect. I start goin in towards him and his elbow comes up and ever so conveniently elbows me in my forehead. Bone against bone. I fell back on the couch half laughing...half my pride was hurt cuz he i was tryna be the best competitor and i get elbowed in the freakin forehead by an elbow the size of my knee. Not cool guys. NOT COOL. So immediately i ask for ice...i asked nicely...i realized it wasnt his fault (ENTIRELY lol). He starts to make a baggy with ice cubes in it. NOT what i wouldve got for myself. So I asked why he didnt just hand me a bag of frozen food or something. I quickly realized that my pride had the potential of getting the best of me so i apologized and said watever is fine but that bump was just the beginning of my pride's attempt to run rampage all over reese and make him feel like as pathetic as an ant's christmas dinner. Thankfully i realized this inner deep and UNWANTED rage and did my best to just not talk at all or just be short cuz i knew wat i was unfortunately capable of saying (good thing im atleast wise enuf to recognize it and try and work thru it right?? come on people im not the worst person alive i promise!!). Anyhoots...reese sensed my shortness and my obvious frustration. I dont wear masks very well when it comes to sadness/frustration/anger sooooooo yeah. It happens. After he sensed my frustration he started up with Mr. Wonderful again. GOSH DARN IT MAURICE CANT U JUST BE A TOTAL DOUCHE SOMETIMES SO I DONT FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON ALIVE WHEN MY FLAWS ARE HOISTED ON THE WORLD'S TALLEST FLAGPOLE! And just to clarify i am NOT bein sarcastic when i say "he started up with mr wonderful again"...he truly is so unbelievably gentle, loving, and patient with me...yes he has his flaws but im tellin ya...right when he sense me frustrated/sad/angry/etc it seems like all he cares about me and making me feel better. He gets so genuinely concerned and he really feels bad if he knows hes a part of my temporary mood. You'd think id be ranting and raving about how awesome that is right? Well i AM...but gosh darn it when i realize IM being a complete DOUCHE and IM letting pride get the best of me and essentially I ALLOW MYSELF to be the mood i am in i dont wanna be loved and hav someone be patient with me cuz i SURE dont like myself when im like that so it makes it RATHER difficult to let myself be loved by another...especially the person who added to my initial spark!

For the rest of the game time I didn't like playing....reese wanted to play on jeremy's team cuz he thought theyd b better as a team so i was with nicole...and i kept playin...but i really had no desire...i really just wanted to be pathetic and go to bed. Dont judge me. lol. I knew that all i needed was time to unwind (blogging right now is really helping hahaha) and gather myself back together but then i didnt wanna be a total sore loser and let my pride get the best of me so i tried to unwind still out there with everyone else. I dont want to be a sore loser. I dont want to be a raging competitor against the man i love most. I dont want this rather LARGE bump on my forehead. I dont want to not be able to play games with reese (although its lookin like that might be the case hahaha). I dont want to be consumed with pride. I dont want to be an ugly person. I want to be naturally patient. I want to be able to play games with my ridiculously competitive boyfriend without getting overly competitive myself. I dont wanna stoop to the point of just nagging at him bc I feel helpless and dont know wat else I can do. But most importantly im unbelievably thankful i have a mister who loves me for my pretty and for my ugly. Who can occassionally unintentionally bring out my ugly but then back down when he sees my frustration and change his focus to repairing my hurt and frustrations. It sometimes makes me feel WORSE about myself when i already realize the ugly in the me and then he jumps in with all his prettiness but hey...there's times when the roles r switched and im havin a pretty me day and the best in him isnt shining. That's life. We got our good qualities that we love to love...and we got our EEWIE, SMELLY, NOT SO PLEASANT traits that we hate...but we still gotta look at the ugly in the mirror, too...and hopefully change that hiding "DANG U UGLY" that lies within us all into a beautiful swan. I like swans. I hope you like swans, too. SWAAAAAAAN! Ok for real tho...i really that wat came out in me tonight wasnt pretty...and unfortunately God thinks he's funny so he made me LOOK a little busted too as evidenced by the welt on my forehead. Very unfortunate. It wasn't funny initially...but its gettin funnier and funnier as i cool down and the real Jessi is comin back to fruit. AMEN ALLELUIAH!! If the lump is noticeable enough to take a pic tomorrow i will and ill post it for documenation that my pride and my ugly got the best of me.

In the mean time...Im gonna keep workin on changin all that inner ugly that hides out and pops up rather inconveniently so that future forehead injuries do not ensue...plus i like the pretty parts of jessi in comparison to the ugly parts. I love that all of the pretty and ugly put together make up ME but i sure do hope that the ugly one day just becomes part of the segment of my journey called the PAST. I'd like it be something that made me stronger for realizing it, confronting it, and conquering it. Not something that mucks up my pretty.

Tonight I found myself in a battle with myself, pride, ugly, and all. And i lost. So now ill surrender and admit my defeat to my loverrrrrr. He probably already knows it's comin cuz once i gather myself together i always admit when im in the wrong...so im sure hes waiting on me to pour everything out, explain how i feel/felt, blah blah blah hahaha. I'm glad he cares enough to listen and love me tho. Glad I can get myself together enuf to realize i got a lot of pretty but darn it i got some ugly, too...and im glad i love myself enough to accept me for who i am but at the same time love myself enough to strive to be who i am intended to be. And im one lucky lady to have a God and a best friend to love me as well... ugly and all. I love him and his ugly, too. And I love me some God! But He's not ugly. He wins the prettiest of all pretty award. Show-off. lol.

Dear God,
i realize i was rather ugly tonight and i pray you hope transform all of that into something beautiful. I thank you for loving me even when im far from wat u created me to be and i thank you for putting people in my life to love me the way you love me. Furthermore, i pray your power of healing would be bestowed on my forehead thus to decrease the size of this lump. Amen.

Tis the season!!

Lovin the Christmas season! With Reesaferd back for the weekend andthe Christmas spirit a-brewin' there was a whole lot of christmas cheer spreadin thru our apartment! This was the first year I got to really get into decorating and this is the my first very own Christmas tree!! and reese's too!! And what excites me most is that this will be our first Christmas where he doesn't have a time limit home...when he comes back on the 16th he's back for GOOD! And hopefully he finds a job in cincinnati so he stays HERE! But that's a whole different story...back to Christmas!!!

We aren't really getting each other gifts this year because of money being tight..essentially all of his money is in savings and mine i feel like i never see hahaha...I just recently signed on the dotted line to start having 10% of my paycheck stashed away for retirement (crazy isnt it...retirement?!?! haha) AND i get money taken out each paycheck (pre-taxed which is sweet) to finish payin off my Lasik since I used a flexible spending account sooooo until i start pickin up overtime when im out of orientation my paychecks will continue to do their job but we def wont be playin the ballin santa clause! With every Christmas I get less and less focused on presents tho...dont get me wrong i love to give gifts but im in the process of thinkin up new ways to give instead of just material gifts. The ideas are brewin but no final decisions yet...I'll continue to let alla that marinade and hopefully have a new way to bring Christmas cheer for next year! But for this year I don't have toooooo much shoppin to do...But still got PLENTY of christmas activities! What I'm lookin forward to MOST is the festival of lights + Polar Express in 4D!!! I've wanted to go to the festival of lights ever since i came to xavier but never been able to...freshman year i just outright missed it and the other 3 years i had known/been with maurice and i said id never go until i could go with him so this is our year!! I see commercials for it and get butterflies inside...nerdy? yes...do i care? negativo! I also cant wait for the annual Jesus party with my naptown ladies!!! LOVE. IT. and LOVE. THEM. Ok sooooo i cant concentrate anymore...desperate housewives is on...and there is all types of insanity happenin on here...when i first saw desperate housewives i was like "ummm NOT my kind of show"...now im kinda addicted n love it..i didnt like it cuz i thought it was all about white picket fences and irritatingly "pleasantville type" people but the more i watch it the more i love that it...there's always a good message it gives out and it cracks me up w all the normalcy aka craziness that goes on behind the pretty houses and attempts to be "perfect" cuz its SOOOOO true...unfortunately there's this idea of the stereotypical suburbia that has infected so many...this thought that with seclusion in a "nice area" with "nice houses" and "good people" (aka people who make good money) there should be no problems.. i say "poor people...they r SO confused about life in general" haha...eeeeeee shows back on...ol gurl stabbed herself in the stomach n shes tryna put the blame on her ex-hubster...crazy hefa...i feel bad for her tho..people who stoop that low r laying that low internally...so sad...ok bye...LOVE sittin here with our Christmas tree lighting the way! ps. our tree's name is Tondo (pronounced "tawn-doe) for no reason other than i just like the name Tondo..Let your light shine TONDO! and keep entertainin me desperate housewives!!!

Geeked for my 4 days off

WAHOO FOR WORKING 3 12's AND THEN HAVING 4 DAYS OFF WITHOUT PTO!! I am so geeked for my 4 days off, too. Just found out last night reesaferd found a ride home for the weekend so we'll be able to...r u ready for this...we'll be able to go on our hunt for the perfect CHRISTMAS TREE!!!! OMG im so excited i cant contain myself...lol...ive never had my OWN christmas tree and reese and this will also be the first time reese n i go christmas tree shopping and decorating together!!! I plan on crankin the christmas tunes, maybe pop a bottle of champagne (or hot cocoa...same difference...lol) and go at it with the decoratin!

I also am gonna start with a new project. I am MAKING...yes making...reese and my stockings this year...I found this kit at a fabric store and it looks complex but the ladies behind the counter said I could do it so hopefully they are right! If not...violence will be the answer (my mommy n daddy taught me RIGHT! lol)

Other things on the TO DO list for the stretch off: Singers (the group i sang in at xavier) show, Jack's gymnastic meet (hes 6 and the cutest little gymnast u hav ever seen...hes my little man..ive babysat/been apart of their family since Jack was 6 mo and Jess was 5 i believe), sleep in, finish decorating the house, and go christmas shopping! I can't really afford to go all out w christmas gifts n buy something for everyone id like to but ima do wat i can! Life is expensive in case yall didnt know...n i dont even got kids to support yet!! yikers...maybe reese was right about just havin 2-3 kids instead of 4..we'd prolly go broke with 4...n kids n all the hubs and i WILL be takin sweet lovin romantic getaways for the 2 of us even with kids! we r gona make sure it happens!

Ok...time to start the day off by gettin BUFF!! ima monster...but dont be intimidated...i only unleash fury with ice cream is involved...or when i need to vent but reesaferd is the only one that gets that fury. It's included in the job description. God bless his soul. lol.

God is good. God is great. Reesaferd is my giant ape!! LOVE to all :)

"The Seriousness of Graeter's Ice Cream" brought to you by Picture This Productions...

Curtain opens. Jessi, being the amazing girlfriend that she is, is at Graeters buying a pint of cookies n cream for her lovely significant other reesaferd, and a pint of choc chip cookie dough for herself. After forking over the greenery and bagging up her goodies she skipped merrily out of the world's greatest ice creamery and hopped into her car, Dolores Merchinski. "Oh I can't WAIT for reesaferd and I to delight in the deliciousness of our individual desserts!" she cheerfully said to herself in a high-pitched and jolly tone. Curtain closes.

Curtain opens. Jessi has just made her joyful entrance into the apartment where her lovely reesaferd awaited for her on the couch doing his usual weekend football routine (watching 2 different games on 2 different flat screens).

"Look what I got us!" Jessi proclaimed as she showed off the pints of ice cream. "You said you wanted cookies n cream so I got you your own pint babe!"

"Wow babe...you're the best!"

(DUH! Jessi thought). Jessi smiles keeping her thoughts to herself, and then places the two pints of sweet lovin in the freezer for later indulgence. Suddenly, some of Jessi's most dearest friends in the whole world arrived at the apartment. It was time to begin to journey to their squeaky friend Cynae's baby shower! Oh how exciting and delightful! Jessi and the lovely ladies of the 317 hopped into the car and began their fun-filled journey. Curtain closes.

Curtain opens. The ladies are in Dolores Merchinski on the drive back from the babylicious baby shower. The ladies are talking about people making messes and not cleanin up after themselves and the irritation this brings. Jessi's cellular device is resounding. Tis Reesaferd calling!

"Well hey there darlin!" Jessi said with a smile

"Hey babe...just so you know..Nicole and I got into a water fight so there might still be water around the apt. Also, I left 1.5 hrs ago to drive back to school but I left my pint of ice cream out so it's probably melted. "

Jessi and Reesaferd continued their conversation for a bit longer and then they parted ways. Jessi couldn't believe what a coincidence it was that she was just venting about the frustration of people leaving messes and not cleaning up after themselves, and then that conversation bw her and the love of her life happened. How silly. Furthermore, Jessi was very happy that atleast reesaferd didn't make a BIG boo boo and eat her ice cream and then leave it out half eaten to waste away.

When Jessi got home she immediately began rescue measures to try and revive the cookies n cream. It wasn't entirely puddled so she performed CPR for approx 4 minutes and then placed the pint back into the freezer for her man to enjoy later. Curtain closes.

Curtain opens. Time has passed now. Jessi has been loving her occassional forbidden rendevous with her cookie dough ice cream. She enjoyed having a few bites at a time so to savor the succulence of the sweet, sweet ice cream. But one day...things changed for the worst. Jessi had just gotten home from a long 12 hr day at the hospital saving lives and changing the outcome, and all she wanted was to delight in a few bites of her forbidden love...the cookie dough ice cream. Jessi would have to deliver Reesaferd to Lexington, KY that same night after a long day of saving lives so he could get back to school and all she needed was a few bites of her ice cream. As she took the cute little pint out of the freezer, Reesaferd, looking innocent as can be, nonchalantly says, "I mixed my left over cookies n cream into what was left of your cookie dough...it tastes pretty good."

"YOU DID WHAT?!?!"

Thunder began to crash and lightning split the sky!

"You mixed YOUR pint of ice cream that YOU left

out to perish into MY perfectly fine and delicious

choc chip cookie dough?!?!?!"

"I don't understand?!?!" Jessi thought as she thrashed through the apt enraged. "What makes you think you can a) mix YOUR sloppy seconds refrozen ice cream into my still fresh tasting pint and b) EAT MY ICE CREAM, PERIOD?!?!?!" Jessi was furious as Reesaferd KNEW what the business was when it came to Jessi and her ice cream.

Reesaferd then fell to his knees and pleaded for forgiveness as he wept at Queen Jessi's beautiful feet. As Jessi gazed down into her lover's eyes she couldn't help but take him back...even after he committed one of the deadliest sins known to mankind. Jessi then helped Reesaferd to his feet. For visualization, this looked like Jessi telling Reesaferd to get his big gorilla self up (Jessi is too fragile, dainty, and beautiful to assist in activities that could potentially cause physical pain). The love birds then embraced. But Jessi will never forget that sunny turned stormy evening when her ice cream was eaten and tainted by the impurities of another.

Let this be a lesson for all. If you have your own ice cream pint and you let it perish in the heat, for then your significant other to revive it so you would still have some to nibble on...DONT...i repeat DONT mix your impure ice cream with her/his innocent ice cream...furthermore, if you are ever at the jessi/reesaferd/nicole/abitha residence and there's ice cream in the freezer, ask who's it is...and if it's jessi's....just shut the fridge and walk away.

THE END

Documentation of the seriousness of ice cream to Jessi found below:

Nae's Baybay Shower!!!

Sunday was DEF Funday! Ranck, pickle, bruc-e and i all made a trip down to lexington for nae's baby shower! I'd like to add the ranck, pickle, and bruc-e also made an extra trip to WHO KNOWS WHERE when they got lost on their way to my apt...how sad...lol. I'm so happy that we all got to share that special day with Cynae...i think all us did...reminds us of the good ol clownin days in high school...we have so many RIDICULOUS memories and good times and its so good to know we're still all friends! Also, id like to add that cynae's ridiculosity STILL prevails..the high squeaky voice LIVES ON and STRONG...she STILL cant sing..lol..and im so glad to see her so happy :) Some pics to document that the baby shower occurred (IM NOT LYING! SHES HAVIN A BABY!) found below:

*CONGRATS TO CYNAE AND JOSH!*

and congrats to me...for being awesome...Amen.

It's My Mommy's Birthday!!!

My mother dearest is the greatest in the whole wide world!!! I'm so thankful for her..her portrayal of strength and courage, her wisdom, her faithfulness to Christ, and her amazing mothering skills (i mean..she's a beast..she raised ME! lol jk jk jk). Anyhoots...HAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYY BIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRTTTTTHHHHHHDDDDDAAAAYYYYYYYYY to the lovely mother of mine :)

Weddings, The encounter w Turkey*, and healin the past

Friday: I volunteered at Crossroads (our home church) with the wedding team. It was so much fun! We basically made sure everything went smoothly for the bride and groom on their super special day. I really wanted to get involved more in our church community so when I heard they needed help on the wedding team I was like HECK YES! Sounds fun, maybe stressful at times if your dealin w/ a bridezille, and i can get pointers for our wedding (whenever that may be..lol)! I really wanted to volunteer w/ the kidos in kids club but they need people to be there consistently every weekend and i can't do that thanks to hospitals bein open on the weekends..lol. So when I emailed Susan (she leads the wedding team) and told her about my schedule and need for flexibility she said id fit right in! After I was done helpin out around the Crossroads community I headed out to pick up Reesaferd!! He got a ride home last minute and then went out w a long time friend for a bit while I was at crossroads so i went and picked him up and brought him home where that boy belongs! He had been tellin me about this song he heard in his dance class...sayin the first time he heard it he stopped dancing, went up to the teacher and said WHAT IS THIS CALLED? MY WIFE AND I NEED TO DANCE TO THIS AT OUR WEDDING! lol. It truly is perfect..in every single way..and I never would've found that on my own..soooo essentially we haven't got engaged ("officially) and haven't started plannin a wedding but we think we're dead set on our first dance song! lol. I'm not spillin the beans tho...peoples gotta wait til the weddin to hear it!! That's right...wait in anticipation! haha

Saturday: My gurl Jess (my other 1/2 of j-squared) came over cuz she was in town. Note to self: I love that gurl! We can talk for ever (well...we both could prolly talk to ourselves forever so put us together and its a dag-gone mess lol)..I got the 411 on her recent updates n i gave her my scoop as well. I love our convos so much cuz we hav similar thought patterns, beliefs, outlooks on life etc so its sometimes like I'll be talkin about a topic and questioning this and that about it but then she'll chime in and say something and im just baffled at how things she says is wat ive been needin to hear or think about. I am, no doubt, very blessed to have such an amazing woman as a close friend. She's my gurl for real for real.

Then Saturday night Reese and I went to church. He was at a football game w his boys and i was at the apt w/ jess so we just met up at church. But there was DEF a twist to our meeting. I spot him immediately as I walk into the atrium (a very LARGE big open space where free coffee/drinks are served at crossroads). I mean, he's hard to miss...and my eyes r set in radar mode for him..lol. As I start to get closer, peanut butter sandwich in my hand (I knew he'd be hungry and need it) I see a girl next time- which is no big deal...I'm not a "ur not allowed to talk to other gurls" kind of girlfriend. He didn't see me until I was right up next to him since his back was faced where I entered the building, and I just look at up at him and smile and hand him his sandwich. Then, I ask "and who is this?" (in a kind and plain voice...i just love meetin new people especially people a part of reese's life) and he says kind of under his breath her name. I smiled and said hi to her with a gentle nod of my head acknowledging that "I come in peace" haha. She then went her way and reese took my hand and we went ours. Now...when he initially said her name i didnt hear it clear enough since he played the mumble game so i asked him again when we walked away..."What was her name again?" "Turkey*" he says (i dont wanna use her real name cuz thats unnecessary so ill call her turkey). My heart starts to flutter in an unusual manner. "Turkey* WHO?" (knowin dag-gone well what Turkey* he was talkin about). He then said her last name and I just stood there as he was gettin his drink re-filled with a look on my face that said more than 1000 words. I knew exactly who she was via stories I had been told, and I had never been too fond of her n lacked some respect for her bc of these stories...I was able to keep her out of my mind tho bc she was from years ago (except for when she kept tryin to talk to reese when she knew dag-gone well wat the business was...POOR decision on any female's part...wat happened to respect ya know?). Well, apparently i have more disdain for the girl than i thought bc my stomach twisted in knots and all i could think of were the things i knew about her (aka only negative things for real) and how i couldnt believe she had the audacity to get his attention n talk to him. Granted...she had every right to and she might have been completely innocent in wanting to just say hi and have casual chit chat, but i wasnt thinkin of anything other than EEW and THE AUDACITY..haha. I'm sure she's a nice girl, I really do...I think she made some poor decisions but dont we all. I just felt like I had a knife thrust into my stomach and then twisted around. It's almost like it doesn't matter whether you rationally know its been years etc etc ...when it's someone you love...someone you cant picture yourself without and someone you know never belonged with and never should belong with anyone else, it just makes you wanna physically vomit when you think of someone else from their past...regardless of the degree to wat was shared...it's just nauseating and makes u wish u had one of those men in black red flashy erase all memory thoughts hahaha. And for real, this was my first time ever bein face to face w one of his girls from the past (luckily he doesnt have many...). Ive met a few innocent and barely anything of significance infatuations, but that was it. And this whole time i been sayin how id prolly be fine w meetin old gurls n wat not, but truth is its hard...and apparently my pride is stronger than i thought. The feelin of "this hefa needs to know the business and RESPECT IT" tries to pop up..ok...i lied...it DOES pop up...and YES i feel childish in even ever thinkin that but i gotta be real cuz saturday proved to me that it does. And I been prayin like crazy ever since hahaha. First of all, I know for a FACT that maurice loves no one but me and the thought of other gurls nauseates him just like the thought of other guys makes me wanna vomit (EEW)...and i dont know whether it's a female thing or just a jessi thing but regardless of how faithful, loyal, loving, adoring, honest, etc reese is i couldnt stop focusing on wat, at one point was. I could see the pain in reese's eyes when id look at him cuz he knew exactly the thoughts that were permeating my mind and it pained me too bc i dont WANT to think those things...i dont WANT the past to hurt...just like i dont want MY past to hurt him and yet i know at times it does...Man, and that's a whole different ball game...here i am all types of flustered and almost feelin haunted and this is only one gurl i met. Maurice has met 3 guys from my past (rangin from little infatuation to more) and while i hav always appreciated him for bein so kind upfront i know that his heart hurts, too. And to top it all off, I'm still EXTREMELY close to one of their families, im still rather good friends with another, AND i have a child from a past relationship. If the tables were turned and i had to deal with wat he does id prolly go crazy...id have to fight like crazy against all those thoughts from the evil one that try n make u lose focus on the GREAT thing God has given u...Now my stomach is twisting thinkin about all that must haunt him. We've talked about this issue before...actually on several occassions...because it's such a hard pill to swallow. In the beginning we were both like "oh watever ur past is ur past" and then, as we continued to grow closer and closer, the past was NOT just the past...it hurt. It's not like we we're angry at each other for our pasts and we both realize that without our pasts we wouldnt be all that we are today (every person and situation helps mold)...but sometimes i just wish there was never any female before me...and there was no other male before him. It'd make things so much easier! GEEZ! For the most part, we're good...thru prayer and talkin about stuff we hav healed alot of pains that were bound to hurt when we began to grow together as close as we did and continue to do...apparently i still have some healing that needs to take place tho. Do me a favor and pray for me, yeah? Much appreciated :) And pray for reese, too...that those things that occassionaly may haunt him be healed so that we can let go of the hurt associated w eachothers' past and focus on the gift we have now. Oh and if u hav one of the men in black memory erasers that can selectively erase certain things dont be stingy...hit me up! lol

For any of yas who havent found "THE one" yet...please be careful and be HESITANT before u give urself (physically, mentally, spiritually) to another..it may seem meaningless and trivial now..but our bodies are temples...and a few years ago i woulda said "yea yea yea i know" and then wouldnt hav taken that to heart but TRULY..i cant emphasize it enough..YOU in entirety are God's temple..and God DOES have someone for you to love and be your best friend thru thick and thin for the rest of ur life...just be patient...dont waste ur time on those "relationships" u know arent "IT"...and remember that one day u will have that love/relationship that God intended us to have and share...and you will be bringin ALLLLLLLLLLLLL of you to the table...so think carefully of ur actions/decisions bc they WILL come to light...and as trivial as they may seem to u now...they have the potential to haunt the person you love so much...the person ud lay down ur life for...and there'll be NOTHING u can personally do to keep those past decisions from haunting and bringin pain to ur loved one's heart and mind...do YOUR temple and your future REAL DEAL a favor and make wise decisions now in hopes that your love wont be haunted by the past. Yes, it can be worked thru n make u stronger...but take it from me...i wish it was never a battlefield created...

Hopefully, if i ever run into Turkey* or some other past girl again i handle my thoughts better and i am stronger...realizing that NOTHING..nothing from the past..present...or future..is stronger than wat maurice and i share...thus, no need stressin or havin negative thoughts...leave the past where it belongs (healed and IN THE STINKIN PAST trailin in my farts! did i go too far? i apologize lol). Apparently, im still a work in progress (GEEZ God cant u just make me perfect?!?! haha), but im tryin...and full healing will come in time...I'm so thankful for the love I have been blessed with...and I wish I could've come to him n been able to say "I've saved my entire being for you" and i wish he could've said the same...I wish we woulda met at like..15 and then had been together ever since hahaha...then there'd be no other infiltrating past figures! lol. How ideal right? Anyhoots! No where to go but FORWARD! As we have been doin for the majority...just occassionally people like TURKEY come along n make work a little harder to keep goin forward..but gosh darn it VICTORIOUS WE WILL RISE! ok...im gettin to be too much again...love yourself..love others..love God...and make ur relationship decisions so that, when that day comes, u dont have to hav u or ur beloved find themselves in an encounter with TURKEY*! (i know, i know..prophetic right?lol ) I hope u get the message...and i hope it marinades like a well seasoned steak.

I love my cellulite..

That's right. You didn't misread the title. I LOVE MY CELLULITE. And yes, I HAVE CELLULITE! I realize I weigh a whopping 122 lbs and thanks to my length my little-ness if emphasized, but TRUST..i got cellulite...Location: my once prized possessions...my legs. More so on the posterior side, but it is scattered throughout. I stressed about it quite alot for a while...and occassionally when I sit down on a firm surface I get a little bummed that the cottage cheese from my squished thighs is lookin right at me. I particularly find myself noticing it and dislikin it more when I haven't worked out in a few days or when I've been eating real bad. I think my general feelin of BLAH just makes me notice my undesirable traits a little more. I feel like most people, particularly females, can relate.

For the most part, tho, I really don't mind it! Well..I've LEARNED not to mind it...and I'm n the process of lovin it cuz it doesn't matter how much I work out or eat right I don't think it's gonna go anywhere thanks to genetics, and the lovely and stubborn composition of cellulite. Reesaferd has helped me alot in learnin to love it ,too...i think he's just blinded by love cuz he says he loves my legs and thinks they are perfect...cellulite and all...he also says he can barely see it. I wish I saw what he saw. lol. And actually, that's what I'm starting to do...seeing myself the way He sees me and the way God sees me. Maurice sees my body as entirely flawless...and often when I complain about little things here and there he says to me, "I wish you could see what I see" or "I wish you loved your body the way I do" ...that really hit me hard...cuz he genuinely loves every stinkin ounce of me, and he looks at me as if i have absolutely no flaws...and at first i thought he was just sayin it to be a good boyfriend (ps. he gets REALLY made at me when i say that to him cuz it offends him) but i honestly think he sees no flaws. I started thinkin about it all, and I changed the scenario around and realized that i GENUINELY see absolutely nothing in his body that id wanna tweek or change (such a stud man! lol) so why do i think hes incapable of seein no flaws in me? And why do i have to see the unchangable things about my body as flaws?

The majority of the time I love my body...of course there's times where I play the "what if i had a little more here or a little more there or tweek this a little bit" game, but 97% of the time I truly love my body...for its appearance and for its health! And since my battle since bein preggo is my cellulite i figure i should start lovin that, too. I'm still the same person regardless of what's growing on my backside or any other seemingly undesirable changes my body finds itself doin as I get older (DUH, I know I'm still young..but my body is DEF not wat it was in high school folks!)...and I love who I am...so I need to love what i look like, too...flaws and all!! So this started my "i love my cellulite" kick. I don't care if it sounds like a self-help gig cuz if it makes me more comfortable with it then right on! lol. I've also been more consistent with workin out aka gettin buff (lol) for a while so that makes me FEEL so much better! And if positive changes are the result then i shall accept those changes with open arms..lol. In the mean time, I'm gonna work these long, muscular, yet cellulitey legs like there's no tomorrow! Some 90-something percet of women are experiencin the same thing in some form (cellulite tends to have an affinity to women..how blessed are we) so I am not alone! I hope I'm also not alone in the strive to love it...and to love that "perfectly" created body is...We women can be so hard on ourselves sometime...and it's such a shame cuz if we weren't such hard critics on ourselves we'd prolly find a lot of happiness in lovin our bodies and seeing our bodies the way someone else does (unless that someone else is a mean douche-bag whose opinion doesnt matter anyway..those kind of people happen unfortunately..lol). Oh yea, and SCREW what the media says women are supposed to look like...let's all take the Dove commerical approach yeah? haha...Empower yourselves women...you are beautiful...and we don't give ourselves enough credit...love yourself...and if you find yourself in a similar situation as me...love your cellulite, too...just dont forget to be healthy, too!

Matthew 5: 43-48

Matthew 5:43-48 Love for Enemies "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I'm struggling with my worldly thoughts. I have VERY few people that I can say I don't like enough to not handle being around...very few as in...one. There's some other people I'd rather not be around, but I can stand it for short periods of time...just one that I'd be fine to never run into again...ok, maybe 2. One guy. One girl.

I do my best to kinda feel people out and not spending large amounts of time around people that I see potentially bringin out certain feelings/emotions/reactions in me that I'd rather not exhibit but are hard to suppress given the provoker. I don't like to get frustrated or angry at people, and I don't like when it's easier for me see the weaknesses of an individual than to see their strengths. EVERYONE has their strengths and weaknesses. EVERYONE has the potential of getting on someone else’s nerves and not EVERYONE is liked by EVERYONE. And there’s nothing wrong with any of that. It’s reality. Often times we seem to surround ourselves with others who share common traits/likes/dislikes/lifestyles/etc because it’s easier to be with others like us. I don’t see there being a problem with that as long as we don’t discriminate and entirely shut out anyone who ISN’T like us.

I like surrounding myself with a good mixture of people..i like hearing different perspectives..i like a little challenge to help me grow..but I also like my close friends who I truly believe we have similar DNA bc we are so similar in so many ways and just the right differences that compliment each other. The reason I have VERY VERY few people on my “UGHHHH don’t like” list is because I choose not to focus on people’s flaws..I find the things I love about them and I focus on that. Often times I’ll recognize the things I don’t like so much about the person and then I’ll question myself as to why I don’t like those traits..i try and see why certain things bother me and then I try and adjust myself and pray for personal growth/patience/change if it’s more of a personal problem that is keeping me from growin deeper with that person…OR if I find that the traits are just principle issues that I don’t respect or like then I simply try and distance myself JUST ENOUGH to still be friends with that person while not letting those certain traits get under my skin. I am all too aware of my own weaknesses and I’m sure there’s plenty of people who limit their time around me bc maybe those weaknesses are the most annoying those possible to someone else…and that’s totally fine. I realize I’m not perfect and I don’t expect everyone to be my “best friend”…all I want is for people to love me enough to pray for me and to hopefully see the Christ in me and the good in me. I know who I am, I know my flaws and I know my strengths…and I love me. Flaws and all! Haha.

So, back to my philosophy on friends. I really do *love* people in general…flaws and all…I just realize that certain characteristics in individuals works my nerves more than others and, thus, I try and remove myself temporarily from that person/provoking characteristic so that I can continue to focus on the good and not get taken over by my worldly agitation and lack of patience. I try to be patient, I REALLY DO! And I think I do a darn good job at it…even when Im EXTRA irritated I think I do a really good job of removing myself from the situation, clarifying my thoughts, calming down, and THEN addressing the issue in a loving and rationale way…the majority of the time this is how I handle things…but every now and then I have a hard time and I just get irritated!

This “every now and then” moment happened within this past year…I was SO patient and prayed and prayed and prayed that God would help me focus on the positives in this individual and continue to love her and take away my rather intense frustration towards her. I def think the prayers helped bc a few years ago when I just said what’s on my mind IMMEDIATELY when I thought of it in the heat of anger I woulda gone CRAZY and unleashed every last one of my thoughts and frustrations in a less than Christian manner. Now, I handle things SO much better…but it aint easy…oooooohhhh no it aint easy. Especially when the person keeps workin their way under my skin persistently. So, I kept praying for peace in my mind, patience with this girl, and I prayed that I’d be understanding…try and understand why she is the way she is so then MAYBE it’d be easier to deal knowing her story. Eventually, I blew up…I apologized afterwards and I genuinely meant it (I meant EVERYTHING I said, but not the manner in which I said it), but I def blew up. And even after tryin to reconcile things she just erked me entirely. And she still does to this day. We don’t speak…we don’t see each other…and we haven’t since we haven’t had to. For the most part, this has been FINE AND DANDY with me…I’m not frustrated all the time and im much more at peace without all that drama and extra-ness…BUT, I started to get concerned with my comfort in never seeing her and my enjoyment in not having the engage with her entirely after matthew 5:43-48 began to marinade. I had heard it before, but for some reason it was marinading now…here I am tryin to grow in my faith, in love, in Christ, and yet I cringe when I see her name on facebook and when her name pops up I’m thinking “I hope she’s doin well but GEEZ im so happy I don’t got to be around her”…how sad, right? I mean, like I said earlier…im not goin to like everyone enough to hang around all the time and THAT’S OK..but to cringe when I first hear/see her name and then rejoice that she is far removed from my life is just sad…and far from what Christ would want of me. Being a Christian isn’t easy dag-gone it…sometimes I just wanna not like someone and remove them entirely from my mind and be happy bc of it…I mean, for real..DO I REAALLLLYYYY gotta love her? God tells me yes. And my heart tells me yes. My mind just says HELL NO! RUN AWAY!!! Hahaha…it’s been an unsettling issue in my spirit for a while now…but I REALLY don’t want to talk to her and that’s what I feel like im bein led to do..i don’t even know what id say tho?!? I still feel the same about her…there are certain things I just cant tolerate and she possesses those things and I don’t see any desire in her to change that…its like its embedded in her..i suppose I could start focusing on her strengths more…cuz she has plenty…shes not like the worst person in the entire world...no where near it.. but its like all I can focus on when I hear her name is the things that erk me…and that’s not fair to her and im carryin unnecessary baggage…

“…He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?...” à YIKERS! That hurts…I KNOW that God wants me to love, ESPECIALLY those that are difficult to love…he clearly states it…and it makes sense…what’s so honorable and great about loving those who are easy to love? Nada…zip…zilch. It’s just so hard…my worldliness butts in and just makes this living Christian thing quick the challenge…but I know it’s all worth it. And my reward in heaven is so much greater than gratification here on earth…its just hard…

God, encourage me to be more like you…help give me the strength to grow in love and enrich my spirit and set aside my pride and the desire to live comfortably so that I can live more with you and live in the peace and love that only you can give. Help me renew relationships that are broken. Help me to see the good in people as I hope others will see the good in me regardless of my flaws. Give me patience and peace that surpasses all understanding. Help me to be more like you…humble me…forgive me for faults/thoughts/words…renew in me a new spirit. And please bless those I have lacked in blessing. You have the power to change my thoughts and my heart…make me more like you Lord.

Sometimes I think it'd be easier to be bald....

For the longest time I have had semi-long hair...the longest layer has tended to hang around right above my humble little ladies and ive essentially been battling damaged hair forever..i think when i hit middle school i started thinkin i should "do" my hair and that meant blow-drying and straightening...i think my hair could somewhat handle it at that stage, but after years of forcing my naturally wavy/curly hair to be what it is not my hair rebelled and decided to just dry up, abound with split ends, and adopt a not-so-soft texture...not cute. THEN, i started the phase of my life where i actually embraced my hair al naturale and let it stay curly. Throw in a little product, scrunch a bit, and WAH-LAH! Then i decided to self-color it...one of the many poor decisions i made in high school. First of all, I'd like to take this moment to re-live the, initially, purple hair as dilley and chels tell me "Oh it looks so cute!" Hefas. Wasn't nothin cute about it. lol. EVENTUALLY it was tho..once the color faded into more of a light brownish. Another time I died my hair red...which i dont think looked bad but it was no "EUREKA!" fabulous look for me neither. Regardless of what the color looked like, my hair was FRIED after the hair dying episodes. So, I began the journey towards healthy hair...tryin to get it trimmed semi-often, not coloring it anymore, and trying to avoid the flat iron. THEN my face acted a hot mess, I ended up taking Accutane for my skin "issues" and let me tell ya what Accutane's main mechanism of action is...it completely shuts off ALL sebaceous glands...ALL...not just to your face, but to those lovely hair follicles as well soooooo i essentially had NO OIL/NO MOISTURE goin to my face nor my lovely locks...therefore, my hair was breaking off...and fast. The ends of my hair, no matter what i did, were a hot mess...at all times. Wearing my hair curly made it less noticeable but the damage was still done. So since then ive been tryna rebuild this head of hair of mine. Everytime i went to get it "trimmed" my hair stylist would have to take off like 1.5 inches in order to clean up the ends somewhat while still keepin my hair long...to completely get rid of the damage i would've had to cut my hair probably up to my shoulders..something I was unwilling to do. NOW, after much much time of not using a blow dryer/flat iron/heat in general/color my hair is rather long, the majority of it is soft, and the ratio of split ends : intact hair strands has greatly decreased. Below are 2 pics of my hair as of today..the first one shows a better all around pic and the second one i think documents the healthiness of my hair the best..No fly-aways, lovely and sleek with no effort other than waiting for my hair to dry on its own..how convenient

So, naturally, now that my hair is long and for the most part healthy I am considering a hair change...not because i dont like my hair but i think i just want to change things up. Since it's taken 9.2 thousand years to get my hair this long AND healthy at the same time i am rather hesitant to cut it off in fear that the process of growin my hair out healthy again wont be finished until my hair has naturally turned grey...lol. BUT i think id look very sexy and sophisticated with a shoulder length bob (and i have a board of judges who agree) or some style around that length maybe a little shorter..and it'd be a nice change...but i think im more into the IDEA of it then the actually choppin it off idea..ummm PS. just looked up at the muted TV only to see some actress in a tank top, obviously bra-less, and RATHER cold...being that she practically filled the entire 46inch screen it was very hard to see any other than her boobies screaming for a bra to hug them...ok, sorry..that just really caught me off guard...back to my hair. OH WAIT! just looked up again and now there's detectives around her and shes lying face down (thank ya jesus) on a couch lookin rather lifeless...what am i watching? haha. Ok for real tho..back to my hair...SOOOO a part of me wants change, but i think the majority of me is too chicken to do it. Plus, i really like my hair...its unbelievably easy to do (take a shower..wrap it up in a towel...and either go to bed or just take the towel down after a bit and let it continue to dry on its own..) and i love my natural waves/curls and the length. If my hair doesnt dry the way i want it to, I just pull it back. It's so stress-free its ridiculous...my kind of hairstyle...LOW MAINTENANCE! But still lovely :) In regards to coloring my hair to change it up im just really hesitant bc of how sensitive my hair is to unnatural applications..plus, my hair has basically dyed itself! Somehow i used to be a golden blonde and mainly throughout my 4 years at Xavier did my hair pull a Optimus Prime and transform on me! For the majority of my life i been a golden blonde...now my hair is quite a few shades darker and it has a reddish/bronzish base to it...still got the natural highlights tho! I really like my hair color the way it is, too...so i wouldnt really wanna do too much changin it up...just maybe some more drastic highlights/lowlights..maybe some caramel or honey color? But then if i do that am i gonna ruin everything ive worked for!?!?! Is cutting my hair gonna be fabulous at first and then am i just gonna look back on pics of my lengthy locks in lustful longing?!?! OH THE DECISIONS!!! Can't i just have a personal stylist here at my beck and call to style my long hair differently every week so i dont hav to use my energy on it...or to cut my hair and make it super cute but then put in extensions when im sick of the short hair? Should I just go BALD?!?! I mean to be honest i dont got THAT bad of a head shape..other than the fact that i have a flat spot at the crown of my head and there's a good possibility my head will look a little grande without hair...and my strong chin will prolly look much stronger without some length to soften it...but it prolly wouldnt be too hard to make my bald head a shiny superstar tho!! haha...I am thankful for my long hair tho...its not the thickest but i got plenty of it...doesnt always do wat i want but it has its super fabulous moments and it keeps me warm like a natural scarf...and i think it fits me..i dont like spending too much time on my hair or make up so i typically dont do much with either of these categories and bein that my hair is low low maintenance (except for how long it takes to get all the nappies untangled with conditioner in the shower) it works for me! Also, the more and more i let it be watever it wants to be i seem to think it fits me more and more..sooooo who knows if im ever actually gona change anything with this head of hair of mine...i just hope that if anything ever does change its cuz i CHOSE to change it and its not due to some out-of-my hands reason...For now, i think ill just go get this head of hair of mine trimmed up soon...we'll see if anything else follows...

From sleep to babies...

I *LOVE* SLEEP! and i love my body feelin well-rested (which doesn't happen often because my body is VERY finnicky and requires routine and a minimum of a solid 7 hours of sleep to feel well-rested)...since adjusting to workin nights I have been sleepin fine and dandy during the day, but on my days off i get totally thrown off bc either i continue to sleep during the day and stay up all night and dont get to see many people or do much since the world is essentially unavailable at those hours, OR i tweak my schedule to accomodate "normal living" which, in turn, sends my body into rage leaving me extremely fatigued, head throbbing, and reesaferd typically gets spurts of a cranky attitude...so uncool on so many levels...

TODAY, I'm actually doin ok so far..i worked mon-tues-wednesday night and then is stayed up ALL day thursday and then finally went to sleep at 830 last night..When I woke up this morning at 930 i felt ok..decently well-rested and my headache is only mild for the time being...I'm excited bc I actually got to watch Ellen, eat breakfast when normal people do, and I'm sitting in my living room and I actually have natural light brightening the apt! *Fabulous* I'm plannin on running some errands (the dreaded grocery store visit followed by trips to different stores lookin for more ideas for decorating the apartment and then workin out). Exercising is QUITE the chore since I been working nights bc the gym closes when im awake at night and want to go work out so either i dont work out or i have to sacrifice sleep. And it's not like I can just go for a run outside at 3am...probably not the safest. I'll do some exercises around the house, but it gets old feelin locked up inside the house all the time...sometimes I'll sit out on the patio with my lovely decorations and just bundle up and sit and stare at the lovely dark scenery that engulfs me. Gotta get fresh air somehow! I switch back to day shift November 16 which excites me bc then my days off will actually feel like days off, but I'm kinda nervous cuz i SUCK at getting up in the morning...it's weird...I'll get the SAME amt of sleep thru the night as i do during the day when i work night shift but for some reason i wake up so much easier at 6pm versus 6am...6am just isnt natural...but then again workin night shift isnt either sooooo im screwed. HaHa! Gotta that make that money and save lives so i guess sacrifices must be made..lol. I got my cycle for when I'm out of orientation and on my own and it's pretty sweet...i have 2 different times thru my 6 wk cycle where i could take 5 days of PTO and essentially have 16 days off in a row...now that's just fantabulous! That's 2 vacations right there! I really like how children's has a cycle, too, bc i can essentially know everyday im workin for the entire year! I know that's nothing new to you mon-fri workers but thats not the case for us hospital peoples! There's no "I work every mon, tues, and thursday" for us...it changes mostly every week...so I LOVE knowing which days i work in my 6wk cycle and then can plan accodingly since my cycle just plunks out thru the year! I'm plannin on pickin up OT tho once im out of orientation...got big plans that require moolah! haha... I'm nervous about rotating nights/days tho...I'm prayin my body can handle it bc I really like having days OFF and I really only get that workin days it feels like..also, i like both the atmosphere of day shift AND night shift so I hope to be able to do both...if i cant...night shift is the only option since there aren't any straight day shift positions available sooooo thats how im livin at the bottom of the todem (spelling?) pole!

NEXT subject-->SO my apartment is lookin more and more like a *home* Reesaferd and I have done some painting, bought a beautiful bed set, and now I'm workin on some lovely decor to give that homey touch...it just takes me a while haha...as of now the house looks like it's trying really hard at lookin complete but still has a few more miles to the finish line. What sucks about all this is that our lease is up at the end of May and if we have the money for a house we are DEF moving! Also, if reese gets a job in indy we will obviously not be renewing our lease...regardless of all this i really want to keep decorating...it just makes the place really feel like home instead of a basic floorplan that holds our furniture. I REALLY can't wait to have our own house to decorate...it must be nice knowin the time and effort into makin the house feel homey will LAST for a while...but that's just not the chapter in life we're livin yet! All in due time...

SPEAKING of "chapter's in life"...i been getting more and more nervous about having kids...Now, have no doubt there are no plans for lil baybays anytime soon for reese and i but eventually there will be and sometimes i really worry...Not bc i dont think reese and i will be great parents...thats not an issue at all...and im not worried about the finances of havin a family consisting of more than reese and i bc the God will provide...what makes me nervous is the health of our children..I'm surrounded by parents who got pregnant and the entire pregnancy never even thought that their baby wouldn't come out "perfect" like most parents think in blissful ignorance...when you're pregnant there's so much focus on the excitement, and thoughts of how beautiful and perfect the baby will be...the only worries are usually the lack of sleep...but "oh no, what if my baby is born with a heart defect and will require open heart surgery within days of being born followed by more surgeries to come, and the possibility that he/she won't make it"...when you aren't around sick kids all the time you don't think "oh geez, yea my baby looks perfect in health NOW but what if in a year he/she develops neuroblastoma or some other cancer?" I really HATE to be debby downer, but this is what i see...i see families sitting next to their newborn unable to be held, intubated, open chested, and sustained by surgical intervention and many drugs...when I went to the PICU to observe for a night I heard stories of perfectly healthy kids who have lived perfectly healthy lives up until 17 when suddenly they were diagnosed by cancer and then pass a year later...I see the hearts of families sitting on their shoulders, and I see beautiful little babies and kids sicker then any little innocent child should be and their parents waiting with hope that soon they will be able to take their little ones home...Don't get me twisted here, I'm am all to aware that the majority of kids ARE healthy and DO make it to adulthood just like you and I have and I'm also aware that many of the kids we see and treat DO go home with mom and dad and MAN DOES THAT FEEL GOOD! But what gets to me is the thought of my baby being born sick...or living a normal child life and then suddenly we're living a whole new story...it absolutely scares the mess out of me...When I was pregnant with Tori (Jaliyah) I had NO WORRIES other than maintaining good grades and avoiding the seemingly unavoidable drama of you know who..I made sure to eat healthy and wat not but NEVER did i even consider the fact that she wouldn't be born perfect...10 fingers and 10 toes..a heart that beats strong and effectively, lungs that breathe life into her, and all the other organs that do as they were intended to...Now I feel like maurice and i are gonna get pregnant and im gonna be worried about EVERYTHING! I'm gonna make the ultrasound tech do a THOROUGH 2 hour exam of our growing little one to make sure everything is as should! AND im gonna request this lengthy exam Q2weeks!! hahaha...What keeps me sane and stops my worrying is knowing that God is good...and that HE is in control if i let Him be...and he wants all of His children to prosper...I know that I have NO control over whether my babies have heart defects or end up with cancer..I simply have no idea what the future holds...At the end of the day knowing that God is a GOOD God and a LOVING God and a HEALING God gives me peace...but my humanly thoughts often get in the way and it's hard not to question why God allows the things he does...and why can't all babies make it to adulthood? And why can't all adults live long healthy lives...especially when they took the time to actually care for their health...I just pray God will continue to prepare my heart and my mind so that when things don't go my way I will be able to face the changes with His strength and love...There's no way I'd NOT have kids just bc of my worries for them...But sometimes, seein what i see and knowing what i know, it's hard not to worry and, at times, think of the worst case scenario...Gotta keep makin my strides and allowing God to build and fill me up... and when life takes a difficult turn i hope i can remember to let HIS will be done...

WOW, this blog ended up kind of sad!!! Sad, but hopeful I guess...hope will always exist where God does! Ok...gotta spend this day wisely now that im actually awake for it! God is good...love is great...and omelets are a fabulous start to the day!!