Pride hurts...and I got the bump to prove it

Ok. So I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything here. I'll admit it. I got some serious pride. Now granted I don't have pride when it comes to much but when I do have it BOY I got a hard time controllin it. And BOY does it bite me in the butt.

Exhibit A
So Reese, Nicole, Jeremy, and I are all hangin out at the apt right. Jeremy and Reese went for a run. Nicole and I chilled at the apt after I got home from work, and then I started workin on Reese's stocking again. Jeremy and Reese went and tossed football (i had to sit this one out...I think im gettin a cold...booooo) so I stayed plopped on the couch workin on the stocking and then i decided to be nice and make dinner for everyone (dont get excited..im not betty crocker...i made hamburger helper beef stroganuff...nuthin exciting...although it is QUITE delicious if i do say so myself! Made with that quality L-O-V-E! lol) Anyhoots...So reese and jeremy finally arrive at the apt. We eat dinner. We then precede to watching "Four Christmases" (FABO movie...def recommend to thou art fellow movie viewers). I ate some pudding. It was a nice night. But then Reese had the world's smartest idea that we'd all play a game. We were gonna play Catch-a-Phrase. Sooooo just for a little el historio about catch-a-phrase read on...the last time reese and i played catch-a-phrase together as a team we got a little rambunctious. Now when I say "we" i mean "ME". So what? I got a little loud and was KINDA yelling bc he couldnt figure out the word i was trying to get him to say even with my OBVIOUSLY amazing and perfect (DUH) clues and gestures...it was all in good fun tho! I really wasn't bein competitive that night! But that was when the competition was sensed radiating from him...it smelled like old bologna...and i didnt like it. From that night on the innate drive to be the #1 competitor came out in him and ever since then ive had a hard time playin any games with him. And not even bc hes acting competitive...but bc i know that ,whether he shows it or not, he HATES to lose and he LOVES to win...and i dont like when others get pleasure out of me losing...is that childish? Most definitely. Is that pride? At it's best. Or would it be at it's worst? I dunno...it's pride tho and thats the point im tryna make. I really don't mind admitting if im wrong, if i am defeated, etc for the most part...i am EXTREMELY in tune with the fact that i am OFTEN wrong (and ill admit it when i am wrong...even if its diffifult to state sometimes) and i am often defeated in games/sports/etc cuz welp...ya win some ya lose some. And sometimes I tolerate that fine...and wellllll sometimes i dont...it's just the way it goes. I do try my best and bow out gracefully but sometimes i have a harder time than others...Ok so before i start rambling im gonna go back to tonight and catch-a-phrase.

So Reese and I are on the same team right? And wat's crazy is just PLAYING the game with him got me all into it and competitive...its terrible...i hate admitting this...i was so weak to my competitive drive tonight. And for real...i MEAN IT when i say im really not competitive...i just have to add "for the most part" at the end of that statement as a caveat. lol. Soooo after a few rounds of playing the competitor in me was growing tired. All i could hear was the rapidly sounding buzzer waiting to go off and all i wanted to do was win...but i could careless if reese and i beat nicole and jeremy...i just wanted to prove that i was really good at both being the guesser AND being the person to act out and lead reese to the answer...it all boiled down to competition against HIM. And not even bc he was being his full blown competitive self tonite...in fact he was obviously trying really hard to not be competitive cuz he knows how i dont like it when he gets that way with me cuz of wat it brings out in me...competitiveness and frustration...so essentially he was bein Mr. Boyfriend of the Year (as he usually is...i def got a good one :) ) and it didnt matter to me the effort he was tryna make to change his inner competitor around me bc of how he knows it makes me feel...it was too late...thru my eyes all i saw was a ferocious competitor hoping to defeat me (remember...we are on the same team....) Now just to ADD in there....he def was competing against me (his teammate) to be the best guesser and the best actor/clue-giver person but i really have a feelin that it was ME this time creating the competition. How sad. BAD JESSI! So I have the little word saucer thing and the phrase was "bait and tackle" so i had to get him to say that...he was having a RATHER difficult time with the word "tackle" which is ridiculous bc a few rounds before i had the phrase "fishing tackle" to act out and he got it but this time i did the SAME gesture and said the SAME thing and he couldnt get the world TACKLE!! In sheer frustration i began to switch it up cuz he clearly wasnt gettin it...so i thought id talk sports to him (quick interjection...ladies...if u cant get thru to your husbands/boyfriends/brothers etc...talk sports or somehow relate it to sports and theyll get it)...i began to describe football and how if he has the ball id run after him and try to tackle him...SO in my fervency i began to run towards his middle section to imitate a TACKLE. This is when the damage was done. The timing was perfect. I start goin in towards him and his elbow comes up and ever so conveniently elbows me in my forehead. Bone against bone. I fell back on the couch half laughing...half my pride was hurt cuz he i was tryna be the best competitor and i get elbowed in the freakin forehead by an elbow the size of my knee. Not cool guys. NOT COOL. So immediately i ask for ice...i asked nicely...i realized it wasnt his fault (ENTIRELY lol). He starts to make a baggy with ice cubes in it. NOT what i wouldve got for myself. So I asked why he didnt just hand me a bag of frozen food or something. I quickly realized that my pride had the potential of getting the best of me so i apologized and said watever is fine but that bump was just the beginning of my pride's attempt to run rampage all over reese and make him feel like as pathetic as an ant's christmas dinner. Thankfully i realized this inner deep and UNWANTED rage and did my best to just not talk at all or just be short cuz i knew wat i was unfortunately capable of saying (good thing im atleast wise enuf to recognize it and try and work thru it right?? come on people im not the worst person alive i promise!!). Anyhoots...reese sensed my shortness and my obvious frustration. I dont wear masks very well when it comes to sadness/frustration/anger sooooooo yeah. It happens. After he sensed my frustration he started up with Mr. Wonderful again. GOSH DARN IT MAURICE CANT U JUST BE A TOTAL DOUCHE SOMETIMES SO I DONT FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON ALIVE WHEN MY FLAWS ARE HOISTED ON THE WORLD'S TALLEST FLAGPOLE! And just to clarify i am NOT bein sarcastic when i say "he started up with mr wonderful again"...he truly is so unbelievably gentle, loving, and patient with me...yes he has his flaws but im tellin ya...right when he sense me frustrated/sad/angry/etc it seems like all he cares about me and making me feel better. He gets so genuinely concerned and he really feels bad if he knows hes a part of my temporary mood. You'd think id be ranting and raving about how awesome that is right? Well i AM...but gosh darn it when i realize IM being a complete DOUCHE and IM letting pride get the best of me and essentially I ALLOW MYSELF to be the mood i am in i dont wanna be loved and hav someone be patient with me cuz i SURE dont like myself when im like that so it makes it RATHER difficult to let myself be loved by another...especially the person who added to my initial spark!

For the rest of the game time I didn't like playing....reese wanted to play on jeremy's team cuz he thought theyd b better as a team so i was with nicole...and i kept playin...but i really had no desire...i really just wanted to be pathetic and go to bed. Dont judge me. lol. I knew that all i needed was time to unwind (blogging right now is really helping hahaha) and gather myself back together but then i didnt wanna be a total sore loser and let my pride get the best of me so i tried to unwind still out there with everyone else. I dont want to be a sore loser. I dont want to be a raging competitor against the man i love most. I dont want this rather LARGE bump on my forehead. I dont want to not be able to play games with reese (although its lookin like that might be the case hahaha). I dont want to be consumed with pride. I dont want to be an ugly person. I want to be naturally patient. I want to be able to play games with my ridiculously competitive boyfriend without getting overly competitive myself. I dont wanna stoop to the point of just nagging at him bc I feel helpless and dont know wat else I can do. But most importantly im unbelievably thankful i have a mister who loves me for my pretty and for my ugly. Who can occassionally unintentionally bring out my ugly but then back down when he sees my frustration and change his focus to repairing my hurt and frustrations. It sometimes makes me feel WORSE about myself when i already realize the ugly in the me and then he jumps in with all his prettiness but hey...there's times when the roles r switched and im havin a pretty me day and the best in him isnt shining. That's life. We got our good qualities that we love to love...and we got our EEWIE, SMELLY, NOT SO PLEASANT traits that we hate...but we still gotta look at the ugly in the mirror, too...and hopefully change that hiding "DANG U UGLY" that lies within us all into a beautiful swan. I like swans. I hope you like swans, too. SWAAAAAAAN! Ok for real tho...i really that wat came out in me tonight wasnt pretty...and unfortunately God thinks he's funny so he made me LOOK a little busted too as evidenced by the welt on my forehead. Very unfortunate. It wasn't funny initially...but its gettin funnier and funnier as i cool down and the real Jessi is comin back to fruit. AMEN ALLELUIAH!! If the lump is noticeable enough to take a pic tomorrow i will and ill post it for documenation that my pride and my ugly got the best of me.

In the mean time...Im gonna keep workin on changin all that inner ugly that hides out and pops up rather inconveniently so that future forehead injuries do not ensue...plus i like the pretty parts of jessi in comparison to the ugly parts. I love that all of the pretty and ugly put together make up ME but i sure do hope that the ugly one day just becomes part of the segment of my journey called the PAST. I'd like it be something that made me stronger for realizing it, confronting it, and conquering it. Not something that mucks up my pretty.

Tonight I found myself in a battle with myself, pride, ugly, and all. And i lost. So now ill surrender and admit my defeat to my loverrrrrr. He probably already knows it's comin cuz once i gather myself together i always admit when im in the wrong...so im sure hes waiting on me to pour everything out, explain how i feel/felt, blah blah blah hahaha. I'm glad he cares enough to listen and love me tho. Glad I can get myself together enuf to realize i got a lot of pretty but darn it i got some ugly, too...and im glad i love myself enough to accept me for who i am but at the same time love myself enough to strive to be who i am intended to be. And im one lucky lady to have a God and a best friend to love me as well... ugly and all. I love him and his ugly, too. And I love me some God! But He's not ugly. He wins the prettiest of all pretty award. Show-off. lol.

Dear God,
i realize i was rather ugly tonight and i pray you hope transform all of that into something beautiful. I thank you for loving me even when im far from wat u created me to be and i thank you for putting people in my life to love me the way you love me. Furthermore, i pray your power of healing would be bestowed on my forehead thus to decrease the size of this lump. Amen.