Ok...so now what I wanted to write about...
Old news: I work in a NICU now...
Today news: my heart breaks with every withdrawal baby that i hear scream, see tremble, and hold tightly trying to calm them...
We get more withdrawal babies than id like to know exist (although even prior to this job i knew that unfortunately there are MANY babies out there born addicted to drugs)...knowing they are out there breaks my heart...holding them in my arms...borderline rips my heart out and absolutely crushes me.
Today I walked over to a little babe's crib...who wasn't my baby for the day but the nurse was busy and the little one was screaming so since i had some downtime i made my way over to his bedside...I pulled the little munchkin out of his crib, held him tight, and assisted him w his paci (some babies need a little help holding that bad boy in there haha)...after a minute or so (which felt like a LIFETIME) of him bursting out with a shrilling cry i found myself just staring at him...staring into those suffering eyes..hurt by the feel of his tremoring little frame...
A part of me just wanted him to get it together, quiet down, and snuggle into my arms...but i grew sadder knowing that he couldnt calm down bc of choices someone else made for him...whether intentional or not. Then I actually wanted him to scream. Because honestly...he was dealt some SERIOUS cards right out of the gates...and the reality he was born into just isnt fair...
He finally calmed down...so i propped him up on my chest...his little diaper booty in one hand...my other hand laid on top of him...my head snuggled up next to his. And my heart just sank. If it would've been just me and him in a room alone a tear PROBABLY would've found it's way down my cheek.
I didn't want to put him down. Ever. I wanted to KNOW he'd end up going home to a healing mommy...and not just added to the vicious cycle of addition. I wanted him to know that his mommy had a rough path of her own she was traveling..and I wanted to know that she loved herself and him enough to continue to get help...and i prayed hed grow up knowing her in a different way, forgiving her for mistakes, and for being better for it. Then I thought of her...about what kind of journey she's lived thus far...about how she got here, looking into the face of her son who was withdrawing....about the pain she most surely carries in her heart...about the layers and strategies she uses to hide that pain.
And gosh darn it my heart just HURT!!! And it still does...for the mother who found herself caught in the web of addiction...and for the baby who didnt ask for this....
Addictions, whatever type they may be, stem from a story....a story sometimes so deep the individual that is addicted cant even pinpoint when and where the story began...they dont even realize the story exists. Unfortunately, that individual's addiction will indefinitely affect SOMEONE in their life...whether the effect is a positive or negative one simply depends...but indefinitely SOMEONE will be affected. In some cases...the affected can choose whether to stick around or not...in a newborn's case...they never had a choice. It's just plain and simply unfair..
By no means is this a bash on the mom(s) of withdrawal babies...the moms are just as sick as the babes and my heart breaks just as much for them...for the cycle they have fallen into...i just pray that the ones that do get help while they are pregnant continue to get help...and i pray for the moms who genuinely dont seem to care...bc i can bet that if they could be removed from the life they are currently living (and have usually lived for a long time) and truly given a FRESH START (which unfortunately is borderline impossible for most) u would find them on their knees...and the pain that they've been forced to bury deep will weep out along the tears...
Praying for these babies tonight...praying for their mommies....praying for that breaking point to be NOW...praying for a turn around...praying for the second (or 10,000th) chance that will break them free....
