Tales from the bedside

First of all...if anyone from my cchmc residency has just read the title of this blog--> BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!! lol and I hope ur final presentations were just dandy lol

Ok...so now what I wanted to write about...

Old news: I work in a NICU now...

Today news: my heart breaks with every withdrawal baby that i hear scream, see tremble, and hold tightly trying to calm them...

We get more withdrawal babies than id like to know exist (although even prior to this job i knew that unfortunately there are MANY babies out there born addicted to drugs)...knowing they are out there breaks my heart...holding them in my arms...borderline rips my heart out and absolutely crushes me.

Today I walked over to a little babe's crib...who wasn't my baby for the day but the nurse was busy and the little one was screaming so since i had some downtime i made my way over to his bedside...I pulled the little munchkin out of his crib, held him tight, and assisted him w his paci (some babies need a little help holding that bad boy in there haha)...after a minute or so (which felt like a LIFETIME) of him bursting out with a shrilling cry i found myself just staring at him...staring into those suffering eyes..hurt by the feel of his tremoring little frame...

A part of me just wanted him to get it together, quiet down, and snuggle into my arms...but i grew sadder knowing that he couldnt calm down bc of choices someone else made for him...whether intentional or not. Then I actually wanted him to scream. Because honestly...he was dealt some SERIOUS cards right out of the gates...and the reality he was born into just isnt fair...

He finally calmed down...so i propped him up on my chest...his little diaper booty in one hand...my other hand laid on top of him...my head snuggled up next to his. And my heart just sank. If it would've been just me and him in a room alone a tear PROBABLY would've found it's way down my cheek.

I didn't want to put him down. Ever. I wanted to KNOW he'd end up going home to a healing mommy...and not just added to the vicious cycle of addition. I wanted him to know that his mommy had a rough path of her own she was traveling..and I wanted to know that she loved herself and him enough to continue to get help...and i prayed hed grow up knowing her in a different way, forgiving her for mistakes, and for being better for it. Then I thought of her...about what kind of journey she's lived thus far...about how she got here, looking into the face of her son who was withdrawing....about the pain she most surely carries in her heart...about the layers and strategies she uses to hide that pain.

And gosh darn it my heart just HURT!!! And it still does...for the mother who found herself caught in the web of addiction...and for the baby who didnt ask for this....

Addictions, whatever type they may be, stem from a story....a story sometimes so deep the individual that is addicted cant even pinpoint when and where the story began...they dont even realize the story exists. Unfortunately, that individual's addiction will indefinitely affect SOMEONE in their life...whether the effect is a positive or negative one simply depends...but indefinitely SOMEONE will be affected. In some cases...the affected can choose whether to stick around or not...in a newborn's case...they never had a choice. It's just plain and simply unfair..

By no means is this a bash on the mom(s) of withdrawal babies...the moms are just as sick as the babes and my heart breaks just as much for them...for the cycle they have fallen into...i just pray that the ones that do get help while they are pregnant continue to get help...and i pray for the moms who genuinely dont seem to care...bc i can bet that if they could be removed from the life they are currently living (and have usually lived for a long time) and truly given a FRESH START (which unfortunately is borderline impossible for most) u would find them on their knees...and the pain that they've been forced to bury deep will weep out along the tears...

Praying for these babies tonight...praying for their mommies....praying for that breaking point to be NOW...praying for a turn around...praying for the second (or 10,000th) chance that will break them free....

Freedom :)

So we've been at this debt snowball business (courtesy of dave ramsey FPU) for about 3.5 months now and have already knocked off around $10,000 of debt!!! Granted we've been workin our tails off to do it and have really been disciplined with our budget...its just so nice to see the fruit of our hard work tho!

And then as we were goin over our budget and debt snowball for the next month we just got so excited bc its not going to be too much longer till we are debt free! Freedom from being enslaved to the lender!!! And then what's even more exciting is that once we are debt free, we'll save up an emergency fund of 3-6 months of living expenses, and then we can save for our house down payment!!!! AHHHH that just excites me so much! Well..sometimes i get nervous about the whole owning a house business (WE hav to fix everything when it messes up..WE have to pay for storm damage..etc etc)...i guess what i think is most exciting is just the freedom that comes w being debt free...it feels good to manage our money instead of our money managing us...money can have as much power as u allow urself to give it... im just super excited to be free from debt and then have US managing money for our goals and dreams...

and i really really really just want everyone to be able to feel this same way...too many people r slaves to that good ol greenery...now dont get me wrong we all need money...and money in itself is not good...nor bad...its neutral...and its wat we make it...i just feel like too often we give money the power and then we let money manage us...and then before u know it ur strugglin to tread above water...

i REALLY feel like a basic how to manage ur money class should be required in high school bc its not very often kids/teens will hear about money and how to manage it prior to college...

anyhoots....im now getting distracted by the tv...old episode of greys...the one w the bomb in the guys' chest...perfect location...anyhoots...i suck and hav lost all ability to continue this blog... main point: excited about the future and being debt free...hoping that others feel/will feel this way too...

Life as a Newbie

Well...here I am again...one year later I am yet again finding myself as the "newbie" in the unit...I'm a perdy outgoing individual so me being shy is no issue..and i like people...yet another "plus" when "starting over" and meeting new people...but it still kinda blows. Especially when I came from a unit where i actually enjoyed going to work simply cuz i worked with fun, great people! I was most DEFINITELY spoiled...

So far in the NICU everyone has been pleasant..and rather nice. Haven't met an "eat your young" type of nurse yet...but there is an obvious difference in atmosphere when reminiscing on my clownin days at children's..Naturally, I crack up at about...well...everything. I picture things in my mind and somehow make them into this ridiculously obsurd extension of what it really is and then will literally start laughing out loud to myself. It got me in trouble back in the school days...lol.

In the CICU i had enough goofy people to clown w on the regular so never did i feel bottled up with all of my own self-made funnies...in the NICU i just keep getting the urge to make the babies dance w me (obviously the ones who r stable enough...come on now i know my lines and do not cross them lol) or make up songs for the babies but then i just look REALLY STUPID (more than usual) bc i have no one to share in the fun w me other than with the newborn who either a) don't open their eyes much or b) can open their eyes but just stare back at me blankly like "seriously lady?"

I'm hoping that it's just cuz the people take a bit longer to open/loosen up bc not sure if they got the memo but we are there for 12.5 hours..12.5 FOLKS...so I'm gona need for us to find that lovely balance between work and having fun doing wat u do! Or maybe they are having fun...and the kind of free-spirited, lively, goofy fun i love is just not their kind of fun. Which is totally fine...obviously we are all made different. But that leaves little ole jessi bottled up w the burning desire to make a baby do the chicken dance only to hesitate bc she'd run the risk of exile and transport str8 to the psych floor..well...atleast that's how i feel. lol. I dramatize occasionally :)


In all seriousness tho i think i just miss my crew at children's...my goofy spirit was able to flouish there amongst the other loonies that surrounded me. And i think i had more people "like" me in the sense of socializing...outgoing...fun-loving..always lookin for a laugh...and awesome (awesome only pertaining to me tho of course hahahaha jk jk jk)....Not to mention the CICU was a louder, faster paced environment so being loud and large spirited was kind of a given...i fit in rather well in that environment lol

I'm still thinkin positive tho...and im still GRATEFUL cuz i def work with nice people so maybe im being greedy for not just bein happy w that. Plus, there's always something to learn from others...esp those who r different than u so the contrast could very well be a good thing...maybe ill realize ive been too loud and rambunctious all these years. In fact, my friends and i WERE told at camp in the 6th grade that we were, and i quote, "too happy" lol ....I dunno tho...dont think there's much harm in hoping for the ability to say u love the people u work with, u enjoy goin into work bc of the crew u get to work alongside, n u actually have FUN at work bc of that crew...i honestly think it's extremely important to have that bc when ur day is super stressful and ur kid isn't doin so well its nice to have the support and the pick-me up from a friend who's rt there and can relate...

Attitude is everything so im stayin positive...lookin for the best in the NICU and the lovely people ive met so far...prayin God would use me here in the way He needs me to...and hoping i keep the "lines of communication open" so i can actually receive wat He has to say and do wat He wants me to do...

In the mean time...ill continue in the life as a newbie...and my search for a clowning buddy will continue haha...just give me one and ill make my schedule identical to theirs hahahha..once again...i dramatize things sometimes lol..anyhoots...

FORWAAAAAAARD MARCH!!

ps. shout outs to my cicu clownin buddies...the laughter u produced is greatly missed...