An early morning moment with God

Here I am...at 3:45am awake with my mind running rampant..I'm awake originally bc im workin nights for the next 3 weeks so its hard for me to fall asleep at "regular times" even when i dont have to work. I tried to lay down and sleep anyway but my mind wouldn't stop thinking (read: worrying). Since Reese graduated in December he's been lookin for a job and so far we haven't had much luck. I don't know if we just aren't lookin in the right places or if it's just cuz of the economy but all i know is he still doesnt have a job...or really any interviews for that fact. And for a while i was ok and at peace knowin that if just someone would give him an interview and give him a shot they'd realize they made the best decision for their business, but getting that initial interview has been difficult. And him having NO experience doesnt help either..with playing basketball all 4 years of college he didnt really have time for internships/jobs during school so he is *truly* a *new grad at the entry level* and in this market there doesnt seem to b much room for new grads with no experience.

Then i started worrying what he'll even end up doing...will we have to move somewhere else to find him a job? How long will this waiting process take? Is he not gonna want to focus on the excitement on us getting married bc he's too consumed with worry about not having a job? What if he gets a job finally but they wont let him off for our wedding/honeymoon since hes so new?! what if he instead goes back to school since he cant find a job? then he REALLY wont be able to take off a week for our wedding/honeymoon which would fall smack dap in the middle of a semester. Should i even keep planning the wedding?!? Or should i wait until i know more?!?

As u can see..my mind was spiraling...downward...fast. All i was able to focus on was the worst case scenario...and for the most part ive been so hopeful and positive, waiting patiently for wat God had in store for us...but then this fear of the unknown started taking over and i couldnt shake it. All i wanted to focus was on our wedding...but i couldnt. All i could think about was "wat does our future hold?"...but wat worried me most was that i wasnt thinkin about the future with faith that God would protect and provide...i was full of doubt. Full of fear. Fear of the unknown. So worrisome. So fearful. So focused on wat i couldnt control and wat i didnt know. So far from trusting God.

I subscribe to "the daily" from crossroads so i get daily scripture and thoughts to reflect on and as i was sitting here at my computer checkin my email i saw my new "daily" and the passage was "galatians 2:11-14" which talks about Peter giving into fear and how it that fear caused him to lead his heart away from God. After reading the passage there was a question that asked me to think about a time i was fearful and wat the consequences were of giving into that fear. Then it asked me to think of a fear affecting my life NOW, confess it to Jesus and ask him to replace that fear with peace and the belief that he would protect me and provide for me. I do *not* think it's coincidence that it was THIS night that i became so overwhelmed with this fear of maurice and his job hunt/our future only to be led out into the living room to read email since i couldnt sleep and then read this passage! Even when my prayers were weak and my words proclaimed trust in Him yet my heart yelled FEAR God heard me...and He came to me...in a simple email bringing me His word...restoring my peace.

YES...there is so much that is unknown...and i am ashamed to say that, often times, my initial reaction to that unknown is fear even when i know that i have a protector and a provider in Jesus.

Phillipeans 4:6-7 tells me not to be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard my heart and my mind in Jesus Christ.

Psalm 46 states 1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. 5 God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. 7 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. 8 Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth. 9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire. 10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."11 The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 27 tells me "The Lord is my light and my salvation—so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?"

2 Timothy 1:7 tells me that God has given me a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. So, this FEAR that i am feelin is NOT him...by me allowing myself to be consumed by fear i make evident my lack of faith in Him as my protecter and provider. I have sold him short and insulted him...I, like Peter, allowed fear to rule instead of God...and where did that get me? Worried, more fearful, FAR from peaceful, and with no answers. My worries and fears will get me no where. My faith in him will bring me peace. My trust in him to rule as protecter and provider will allow him to be the GREAT GOD that he is.

Lord work on my heart and my mind. Sometimes it's so easy for me to fear the unknown and to worry about things that aren't in my control. Please renew my mind. Fill me with your peace. Open my eyes so i can see what u have laid out for maurice and i. Open my ears so i can hear you calling out to me. Open my heart and pour your peace into me. Take away this fear that does nothing but pull me farther from you. Thank you for always having a hand in my life ready to comfort me and lead me. Thank you for being a protecter and provider. Thank you for keeping me in your love and grace. I pray that you would keep maurice and i strong and rooted in you as we continue this journey. Give us patience and help us to let go of the control we desire to possess. I thank you in advance for the job opportunity you have for maurice and the plans that you have in store for us. Forgive me for my doubts. Protect my mind from doubting in the future. I want to be grounded in you so i can have the overwhelming peace that only you can give. Thank you for your living word. Thank you for hearing me. And thank you helping me simmer cuz id get no sleep at all if my mind kept racing at that pace, and now that u have filled me with calm i ask that you'd be so generous as to let me rest and sleep. Bless Maurice and fill his heart with your peace. Show him the path you have laid for him. I pray he trusts you and your plans for him...and i hope that his trust holds firm against any fears that would try to consume him. Let him know how much i love him, and help me to show him my love at all times even when im a hot mess. Thank you loving me enough to always hear my cry and answer me even when ive allowed my heart and mind to stray. Your patience and faithfulness humble me. In your son's name i pray. Amen