2 is better than 1

Soooooo we are 99.9% finalized on October 30, 2010 at Bellarmine Chapel! That's right! My alma mater!!! We aren't saying we're getting married at "Xavier" so to spare the tender feelings of my long-time UC fan fiance lol...but i mean really i think bellarmine is a great church for us! The first time we met was at Xavier (when he so boldy came into my dorm room to introduce himself and violate my blankie by sittin on it...how rude...haha), I obviously am an XU graduate and i absolutely loved my four years there (although thank ya Jesus May 2009 finally came around cuz as much as i loved xavier i was burnt out thanks to being a nursing major)...another reason Cincinnati in general works for us is because this is where we grew TOGETHER, it's where HE and both sides of his family are from, and Bellarmine is where i often attended mass while an undergrad. No, Bellarmine isn't the most beautiful church ull ever see and it doesnt have a very long aisle for me to make my grand entrance (petty comments i know i know...im so shallow lol) but it MEANS something to us and we are very excited to finally have a date and a church! Now we just gotta find a reception hall/venue...

As for the "engagement period"...I'm not gonna lie. Call me vain or wateva ya please but i LOVE glancing down at my left hand and seeing my beautiful ring shine back at me...it's like it's saying "Jessi! Ur soon goin to be his WIFE! And he'll be ur HUSBAND!! and im the bling to prove it!" hahaha. No but seriously...i am so excited to be on this journey and to start a new chapter in our lives. I gotta admit tho, I'm slightly scared. Now no jumpin the gun here. Lemme lay this out first and foremost I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT MAURICE ANTHONY BROWN HAS BEEN PUT IN MY LIFE BY GOD TO BE MY HUSBAND, *LIFE-LONG* COMPANION, AND ETERNAL BEST FRIEND...and that doesnt scare me what-so-ever! It makes me so unbelievably full of gratitude that God would love me so much as to give me such a great gift as Maurice for me to love and grow with for the rest of our lives. What scares me is the challenges that we will indefinitely face. It should come as no or little surprise that I am a rather head-strong, independent, outspoken women who cherishes my space, time of solitude, and i often like having things done the way id do them, and when/how/why/etc id like those things to be done...even tho i can be QUITE laid back and roll w the punch i sure do have some serious type A qualities. Now the good thing about all that is dag-gone it i get stuff DONE and i do it GOOD to the fullest of my potential...i dont need help (although its appreciated) bc often times i've already completed the task before i realize that maybe i could've used some help. OR what ill do is ask for help from the get go but then get frustrated cuz the task at hand isnt completed the way I would've done it so then i end up doin it anyway. Terrible, I know. And waht makes things even WORSE is that to 95% of the general population i would never get frustrated with...id be the laid-back Jessi and id realize that not everybody does things like me (and that can be a rather good thing). So then we'd all move on and still be happy honky-dory. But not when it comes to my living arrangements. Not when it comes to my house. Not when it's the things in the place that's supposed to be my place of rest. I get rather particular when it comes to things around the house. At home I feel like i can fully unwind...kick back and feel at peace...i like things at my house to be relatively in my control bc i realize that life in general is entirely OUT of my control (yet often another rather good thing) so having some control w the flow of my house just kind of gives me peace...some sanity if you will. But what SCARES me about all this in regards to marriage is that for the rest of my life ill be sharing a house with another adult and eventually little squirts that will turn into bigger squirts who will all have opinions of their own and will all like things a certain way...my luck, they will all want things exactly opposite the way i do...so OUT THE DOOR goes any chance of me havin any control on my life hahaha. So, recently ive been havin some frequent "my way or the highway" moments with my unbelievably patient and carefree fiance. I get in these moods when I just want to sit in silence, I don't want jokes cracked every 2 seconds, I dont really even feel like having to think about somebody else's feelings and just LET LOOSE and say whatever i want, do watever i want, and just the world be Jessi's world. Having these moments is frustrating for more than one reason. #1) i get frustrated that i even get that frustrated which then just compounds the situation. My emotions tell me im frustrated, I want to be alone, I don't feel like laughin at jokes, etc but my heart and mind are sayin "Jessi...this is ridiculous. Snap out of it sister!" Then i just get more and more frustrated as i try to rationally STOP bein such a douche-bag yet i just cant seem to yet! It's a vicious circle i tell u. Vicious. And it's frustrating realizing that YES, im being a complete nut case and quite the unpleasant individual cuz thats not who i am the majority of the time. I just have episodes. And i dont like them. No i dont. I just want to be nice, happy, and love maurice and his presence every second of everyday. But God gives us emotions to feel...and feeling is a blessing...so essentially wat this means is I have to allow myself to feel while at the same time try and find wat got me all revved up to begin with so that i can get to the bottom of it, resolve it, and move on. All this requires work. And when you're frustrated the LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO is admit there's something you have to personally work on. And to be honest, that just blows when all u wanna do is act like a 4 year old throwing at temper tantrum even when u know ur ridiculous for wanting to (for clarification i do NOT allow myself to throw the tantrum publicly even in the publicity of my home. But i am most definitely wanting to internally and if u r ever around me when this turmoil is occuring inside of me u will know because my face makes it evident. I'm not a hard book to read lol).

Ok, on to #2) Now this will sound RIDICULOUS. Why? Because it is. Entirely. I tend to hold this extremely high standard for myself...even in my realization that i am not and never will be "perfect" bc i am human (which typically settles GRRRRREAT in my bones) i still think things like "i should've known better", "if only i could be more (fill in the blank)", etc etc...unfortunately i occassionally worry "what if im not the wife maurice thought he signed up for? what if im not good enough at fulfilling that role? are my thoughts of wat an ideal wife is even wat God sees as how a wife should be and wat she should do? or are my thoughts all a hot-mess thanks to societal and cultural pressures as to wat being a "good wife" entails?" In the end...after i have an internal debate regarding the topic for quite some time I usually stop. Smack myself out of it. And pray that God would help me to be the woman and wife that he intended me to be. I gotta let Him mold me (always havin to relinquish control...glory glory). So like i said from the get go, i realize that this is a RIDICULOUS worry of mine bc he loves me enough now even more than he did 2.5 years ago..and enough to want to MARRY me so apparently im doin something right! Not to mention, we women beat ourselves up enough bc we always feel like there's something more we should be doing...something wrong w us that we need to change whether physical/emotional/etc...and it's just gotta stop it really does. Challenge urself to better urself yes. Always thinkin there's something ur NOT doin or something u need to change cuz ur not good enough the way u r...NOT so hot. Dont judge me for thinkin all the "good wife" stuff tho. I'm just being real with wat i been wrestlin with.

And now #3) These "moments" of mine are further frustrating bc i truly love maurice with all my heart. He is the kindest, sweetest, most patient (continue with all of the greatest qualities an individual can possess lol) individual and he is who i love the most and unfortunately since he is truly the only individual that gets the ENTIRE JESSI PACKAGE he gets the WRATH as well. Bummer isnt it. Even when im frustrated at something no where near related to him the poor man gets the wrath. I *always* apologize for my...well...we'll call them my "unfortunate moments" ..bc i truly dont like that side of me, but MAN do i just feel like the world's worst future wife when i get in those funks. I realize that i am only human and therefore i cant be little miss perfect (which actually makes me want to gag at the thought of it anyway..the little miss perfect role isnt cute to me...at all...lol) but i keep on prayin for more patience PARTICULARLY with maurice who is the only individual i feel i can be totally open with at all times. I dont want to be a cotton headed ninny muggins. I promise, I really dont!

So whats "SCARY" about all this is the constant realization that welp...i got a lot to work on...and alot of the individual supremacy i want to have i HAVE to let go of in order to allow our marriage to grow as it should...and to me, someone who really likes that little bit of control, the thought of losing that can be scary. And the realization that REGARDLESS of how much we love each other and see eye to eye on so many things we ARE gonna have LOTS of things to work on TOGETHER...AS A TEAM...it no longer can be like the many group projects i was a part of (read: the whole group is supposed to work together to reach the final product but bc i can be so type A i just do the entire thing)...I cant make decisions on my own REGARDLESS of how RIGHT i think (read: "know" lol) i am...I cant get frustrated and then sit in seclusion for hours and then never address the issue...I am FOREVER accountable to somebody else...and EVERY decision will and SHOULD be made TOGETHER...and while a large part of me thinks thats FABO...there's still that part of me that wants things to just go my way. We are all born with some degree of personal superiority...and we all inherently selfish wanting to satisfy our needs first bc honestly its usually wat gives us the quick easy...but the quick easy isnt wats best for us. And we can grow if we only have ourselves to hold us accountable.

And THATS why im so EXCITED to marry him. I will always be challenged to grow and be better...no more sitting stagnant in MY ways, but actually learning to be constantly acting/thinking/loving for the sake of another...and the rewards of that will be beyond anything i can imagine, I'm sure of it. But the transition to get there...to really start letting go of the "ME complex" i unfortunately possess will be difficult and maybe a bit scary bc u really start seein who u are when ur challenged and pushed out of ur comfort zone..Sometimes what comes to light ya REALLY dont like...and even tho reese is my comfort zone in MANY ways, I realize he will also be God's way of pushing me OUT of the same comfort zone. And i realize that while im prolly not gona like seein my "unfortunate moments" come to light and itll seem scary in the process of changing a lifetime of possessing those hidden secrets, I know that once those things are brought to light ill actually be able to SEE them for wat they are...and then change them. God and i know it's all for my good. And God knows im a wee bit apprehensive about that aspect of marriage...but im in it to win it!! The sacrifices will eventually seem so little for what will be given. And at the same time of bein a bit scared, im so *EXCITED* to see how I, personally, and US as a married team grow. Growth that I'd never see without my mister challenging me and supporting me the whole way. As much as i hate to admit sometimes...2 is most definitely better than 1.