2 is better than 1

Soooooo we are 99.9% finalized on October 30, 2010 at Bellarmine Chapel! That's right! My alma mater!!! We aren't saying we're getting married at "Xavier" so to spare the tender feelings of my long-time UC fan fiance lol...but i mean really i think bellarmine is a great church for us! The first time we met was at Xavier (when he so boldy came into my dorm room to introduce himself and violate my blankie by sittin on it...how rude...haha), I obviously am an XU graduate and i absolutely loved my four years there (although thank ya Jesus May 2009 finally came around cuz as much as i loved xavier i was burnt out thanks to being a nursing major)...another reason Cincinnati in general works for us is because this is where we grew TOGETHER, it's where HE and both sides of his family are from, and Bellarmine is where i often attended mass while an undergrad. No, Bellarmine isn't the most beautiful church ull ever see and it doesnt have a very long aisle for me to make my grand entrance (petty comments i know i know...im so shallow lol) but it MEANS something to us and we are very excited to finally have a date and a church! Now we just gotta find a reception hall/venue...

As for the "engagement period"...I'm not gonna lie. Call me vain or wateva ya please but i LOVE glancing down at my left hand and seeing my beautiful ring shine back at me...it's like it's saying "Jessi! Ur soon goin to be his WIFE! And he'll be ur HUSBAND!! and im the bling to prove it!" hahaha. No but seriously...i am so excited to be on this journey and to start a new chapter in our lives. I gotta admit tho, I'm slightly scared. Now no jumpin the gun here. Lemme lay this out first and foremost I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT MAURICE ANTHONY BROWN HAS BEEN PUT IN MY LIFE BY GOD TO BE MY HUSBAND, *LIFE-LONG* COMPANION, AND ETERNAL BEST FRIEND...and that doesnt scare me what-so-ever! It makes me so unbelievably full of gratitude that God would love me so much as to give me such a great gift as Maurice for me to love and grow with for the rest of our lives. What scares me is the challenges that we will indefinitely face. It should come as no or little surprise that I am a rather head-strong, independent, outspoken women who cherishes my space, time of solitude, and i often like having things done the way id do them, and when/how/why/etc id like those things to be done...even tho i can be QUITE laid back and roll w the punch i sure do have some serious type A qualities. Now the good thing about all that is dag-gone it i get stuff DONE and i do it GOOD to the fullest of my potential...i dont need help (although its appreciated) bc often times i've already completed the task before i realize that maybe i could've used some help. OR what ill do is ask for help from the get go but then get frustrated cuz the task at hand isnt completed the way I would've done it so then i end up doin it anyway. Terrible, I know. And waht makes things even WORSE is that to 95% of the general population i would never get frustrated with...id be the laid-back Jessi and id realize that not everybody does things like me (and that can be a rather good thing). So then we'd all move on and still be happy honky-dory. But not when it comes to my living arrangements. Not when it comes to my house. Not when it's the things in the place that's supposed to be my place of rest. I get rather particular when it comes to things around the house. At home I feel like i can fully unwind...kick back and feel at peace...i like things at my house to be relatively in my control bc i realize that life in general is entirely OUT of my control (yet often another rather good thing) so having some control w the flow of my house just kind of gives me peace...some sanity if you will. But what SCARES me about all this in regards to marriage is that for the rest of my life ill be sharing a house with another adult and eventually little squirts that will turn into bigger squirts who will all have opinions of their own and will all like things a certain way...my luck, they will all want things exactly opposite the way i do...so OUT THE DOOR goes any chance of me havin any control on my life hahaha. So, recently ive been havin some frequent "my way or the highway" moments with my unbelievably patient and carefree fiance. I get in these moods when I just want to sit in silence, I don't want jokes cracked every 2 seconds, I dont really even feel like having to think about somebody else's feelings and just LET LOOSE and say whatever i want, do watever i want, and just the world be Jessi's world. Having these moments is frustrating for more than one reason. #1) i get frustrated that i even get that frustrated which then just compounds the situation. My emotions tell me im frustrated, I want to be alone, I don't feel like laughin at jokes, etc but my heart and mind are sayin "Jessi...this is ridiculous. Snap out of it sister!" Then i just get more and more frustrated as i try to rationally STOP bein such a douche-bag yet i just cant seem to yet! It's a vicious circle i tell u. Vicious. And it's frustrating realizing that YES, im being a complete nut case and quite the unpleasant individual cuz thats not who i am the majority of the time. I just have episodes. And i dont like them. No i dont. I just want to be nice, happy, and love maurice and his presence every second of everyday. But God gives us emotions to feel...and feeling is a blessing...so essentially wat this means is I have to allow myself to feel while at the same time try and find wat got me all revved up to begin with so that i can get to the bottom of it, resolve it, and move on. All this requires work. And when you're frustrated the LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO is admit there's something you have to personally work on. And to be honest, that just blows when all u wanna do is act like a 4 year old throwing at temper tantrum even when u know ur ridiculous for wanting to (for clarification i do NOT allow myself to throw the tantrum publicly even in the publicity of my home. But i am most definitely wanting to internally and if u r ever around me when this turmoil is occuring inside of me u will know because my face makes it evident. I'm not a hard book to read lol).

Ok, on to #2) Now this will sound RIDICULOUS. Why? Because it is. Entirely. I tend to hold this extremely high standard for myself...even in my realization that i am not and never will be "perfect" bc i am human (which typically settles GRRRRREAT in my bones) i still think things like "i should've known better", "if only i could be more (fill in the blank)", etc etc...unfortunately i occassionally worry "what if im not the wife maurice thought he signed up for? what if im not good enough at fulfilling that role? are my thoughts of wat an ideal wife is even wat God sees as how a wife should be and wat she should do? or are my thoughts all a hot-mess thanks to societal and cultural pressures as to wat being a "good wife" entails?" In the end...after i have an internal debate regarding the topic for quite some time I usually stop. Smack myself out of it. And pray that God would help me to be the woman and wife that he intended me to be. I gotta let Him mold me (always havin to relinquish control...glory glory). So like i said from the get go, i realize that this is a RIDICULOUS worry of mine bc he loves me enough now even more than he did 2.5 years ago..and enough to want to MARRY me so apparently im doin something right! Not to mention, we women beat ourselves up enough bc we always feel like there's something more we should be doing...something wrong w us that we need to change whether physical/emotional/etc...and it's just gotta stop it really does. Challenge urself to better urself yes. Always thinkin there's something ur NOT doin or something u need to change cuz ur not good enough the way u r...NOT so hot. Dont judge me for thinkin all the "good wife" stuff tho. I'm just being real with wat i been wrestlin with.

And now #3) These "moments" of mine are further frustrating bc i truly love maurice with all my heart. He is the kindest, sweetest, most patient (continue with all of the greatest qualities an individual can possess lol) individual and he is who i love the most and unfortunately since he is truly the only individual that gets the ENTIRE JESSI PACKAGE he gets the WRATH as well. Bummer isnt it. Even when im frustrated at something no where near related to him the poor man gets the wrath. I *always* apologize for my...well...we'll call them my "unfortunate moments" ..bc i truly dont like that side of me, but MAN do i just feel like the world's worst future wife when i get in those funks. I realize that i am only human and therefore i cant be little miss perfect (which actually makes me want to gag at the thought of it anyway..the little miss perfect role isnt cute to me...at all...lol) but i keep on prayin for more patience PARTICULARLY with maurice who is the only individual i feel i can be totally open with at all times. I dont want to be a cotton headed ninny muggins. I promise, I really dont!

So whats "SCARY" about all this is the constant realization that welp...i got a lot to work on...and alot of the individual supremacy i want to have i HAVE to let go of in order to allow our marriage to grow as it should...and to me, someone who really likes that little bit of control, the thought of losing that can be scary. And the realization that REGARDLESS of how much we love each other and see eye to eye on so many things we ARE gonna have LOTS of things to work on TOGETHER...AS A TEAM...it no longer can be like the many group projects i was a part of (read: the whole group is supposed to work together to reach the final product but bc i can be so type A i just do the entire thing)...I cant make decisions on my own REGARDLESS of how RIGHT i think (read: "know" lol) i am...I cant get frustrated and then sit in seclusion for hours and then never address the issue...I am FOREVER accountable to somebody else...and EVERY decision will and SHOULD be made TOGETHER...and while a large part of me thinks thats FABO...there's still that part of me that wants things to just go my way. We are all born with some degree of personal superiority...and we all inherently selfish wanting to satisfy our needs first bc honestly its usually wat gives us the quick easy...but the quick easy isnt wats best for us. And we can grow if we only have ourselves to hold us accountable.

And THATS why im so EXCITED to marry him. I will always be challenged to grow and be better...no more sitting stagnant in MY ways, but actually learning to be constantly acting/thinking/loving for the sake of another...and the rewards of that will be beyond anything i can imagine, I'm sure of it. But the transition to get there...to really start letting go of the "ME complex" i unfortunately possess will be difficult and maybe a bit scary bc u really start seein who u are when ur challenged and pushed out of ur comfort zone..Sometimes what comes to light ya REALLY dont like...and even tho reese is my comfort zone in MANY ways, I realize he will also be God's way of pushing me OUT of the same comfort zone. And i realize that while im prolly not gona like seein my "unfortunate moments" come to light and itll seem scary in the process of changing a lifetime of possessing those hidden secrets, I know that once those things are brought to light ill actually be able to SEE them for wat they are...and then change them. God and i know it's all for my good. And God knows im a wee bit apprehensive about that aspect of marriage...but im in it to win it!! The sacrifices will eventually seem so little for what will be given. And at the same time of bein a bit scared, im so *EXCITED* to see how I, personally, and US as a married team grow. Growth that I'd never see without my mister challenging me and supporting me the whole way. As much as i hate to admit sometimes...2 is most definitely better than 1.

*Pics from the Proposal*

I have some pretty darn awesome photographer friends ...ok so maybe they aren't actual photographers but they captured some GREAT pics from one of the most special days of my life and I'm so very grateful! I'm also grateful my super fabo fiancee had my friends there at the proposal so that pics could be takin to capture the moment! Or i suppose the "immediately after" moment lol. Documentation of emerging from the basement below:

*MY MAID (technically "matron" lol) OF HONOR* Love her!

I should be a hand model. Dont hate. ps. Candycane nails=awesome! hahaha

Cheesin TOO hard..lovin the looks of my ring finger :)

CANT WAIT TO HAVE THE WEDDING BAND CUZ THATLL MEAN WE ARE MARRIED! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!

The hunt continues

This whole wedding planning business is crazy! I saw how on wedding shows on TV were really expensive but i just figured thats bc these people were doin all this extra stuff and while alot of them were WEDDINGS ARE STINKIN EXPENSIVE!! With both Reese and my families + closest friends we are lookin at around 240 people and im tellin ya...these prices im gettin from people are CRAZY!!! Too dag-gone expensive...even churches are expensive! Granted we are looking at downtown cathedrals but $1000 just for the rental fee?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?!? Exploitation much?? I'm just tryna marry my mister not go BANKRUPT! GEESH!

And then searching for reception venues has been quite the doosy, too! I feel like I want to narrow my list down to just a handful before i go actually look at the venues bc i dont want 1000 stops at different venues to pick one! I want it to look nice and all but the main thing i want is for people to have FUN!! I really like the idea of the reception at a hotel so i wont have to worry about people driving drunk (i have no tolerance for it), but every place ive tried callin so far their wedding coordinators are unavailable at that given time...figures...lol.

I just cant wait to finally have the ceremony and venue booked and the date set and OFFICIAL!!! That would make me vewy vewy happy....yes it would. lol. Anyhoots...for now the hunt for the ceremony/venue site continues...and thus so does the hunt for a date...hopefully this hunt ends soon so i can get on the funner part of planning! Yes...i said FUNNER and i dont intend of correcting that...thank you...and if people even read this blog and happen to have any wedding ceremony/reception sites to recommend here in indy or even in cincinnati let a sistah know!!! Take care now...byebye then!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! TORTURE!!!!

I can't do it...I can't wait. Feb 5, 2011 is the *probable* (NOT definite) wedding date. We've been talking wedding talk for a long time being that we knew we'd be getting married for almost 2.5 years now and we always envisioned a winter or fall wedding...but mostly a winter wedding. It just sounds so classy, warm, beautiful...and we just picture ourselves getting married in the late fall or winter. BUT I CANT WAIT UNTIL FEB 5 2011!! It sounded great at first. February is a romantic month in general...itll be cold outside but nice and cozy inside at our wedding with all our loved ones. It'll be cheaper than standard May-October weddings since it's considered an "off-season month"...but i just wanna marry him :( I want him to be my husband. I want to be his wife. We have God centered at our relationship and our lives but I want it to be "official". I want to be MARRIED to my best friend, the one I'll spend the rest of life's journey with, the one God put in my life to push me to limits i never thought i could reach and to give me the greatest gift anyone could ever ask for, his love. Yea i know it sounds a little mushy...little corny...cliche maybe too...but i mean it i really really do. I have felt so ALIVE ever since he came into my life...being loved by him is hands down the greatest gift God has given me (other than God's love itself! haha). And being able to love him back is so rewarding...really let myself simply be me...and love unconditionally without any worry or doubt of my outpouring being abused, betrayed, unappreciated... Since I've let God pour into me I've seen blessings after blessings unfold...and i truly believe Reese is one of them...God sent me someone who would love me just as He loves me...it's like I have God's love in tangible form via Reese! lol. Seriously tho!!

And I just feel so brand new since ive set my heart on God and since Ive finally let myself fully love another...These past 2.5 years have made my heart grow 10 to the 10th power in size I just know it!! hahahaha...and im just so full and alive with him that its hard waiting another to be joined as man and wife!! I'm so ready for that next chapter in our journey...He's been my husband for over 2 years in my heart and spirit...but im ready for it to be official...I want the union, I want the last name to be shared with him, I want it all...

I understand weddings take time to plan especially when ya got big families on both sides, but more than ever all of that seems so minute to me...I just want to be his wife. The "dream wedding" would be great and all but whether its beautiful, well planned, etc or NOT...in the end we'd still be MAN AND WIFE and THATS wat is most important to me...

The fiancee (still sounds weird to me hahaha) REALLY likes the date feb 5, 2011 but he wants to be married sooner, too...hes more patient than me tho...he's willing to look into earlier dates but i really think his heart is set on feb 5...we will see tho...dec 4 2010 is still in the running, too...i really could go for september or october tho...LOVE the idea of winter wedding...but i LOVE the thought of being married to him even more...so we'll see...until then...please pray with me for my patience...and for wisdom...am i being too hasty? or is this God's push in me??

Oh Lord grant me your peace...rest this heart and mind of mine...and make wat YOU want to happen, happen...you know so much better than I (good thing!)...i thank you for giving me love on earth TWICE in my life thru ur son and thru maurice...and in my family and close friends, too...uve just been so good to me...thank you God for your goodness...now if you could rest this heart and mind of mine id be much appreciative :) and id really love a sooner wedding date, too soooo if u could make that happen AWESOME...unless ur plans r different then please just help me to follow u and not myself... you are loved and adored...Love, ur daughter Jessi

**Happy New Year**

Just wanted to have a blog with the date "January 1, 2010" sooooooo now i can go. This year let's all focus on loving more!!! And eating delicious breakfasts such as bacon and eggs (a classic)...im gonna go do that right now!!! Buttery biscuit. Add gravy. Love to all!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Happy New Year's Eve! Let the Journey continue!!

What am I gonna be doin goin into 2010?? Chillin at the parentals house with the fiancee..playing pool...watching the bowl games..and just relaxin...and im lovin it..haha. Reese and I are such old folk. When discussing what we wanted to do to bring in the new year we discussed goin out, goin to friends' houses, and then almost simultaneously we looked at each other and said "let's just chill" hahahaha...we're such losers. But the good thing is we BOTH are so we got each other to hang with so it works!!!

As for a New Years resolution? I dont really have one...its a good idea and all but if u know there's something that needs to change in ur life or that u need to weed out, improve on, build into, etc than why wait for the new year? Start THE DAY you realize it! Another day is never guaranteed and ya gotta make the most of the NOW so i try and make my changes and tweek wat needs to be tweeked with every moment im given. Now dont get me wrong i do plenty of these moments: "Man I know i need to work on my patience...buuuuuuuut im really irritated and this just isnt even rt" and i start playin the excuse game and then say ill work on my patience next time. It happens ok? Dont judge me. lol. And for the record God has worked on me and my patience level quite a bit...but im still a work in progress...still gettin molded to become wat my creator intended me to be...

Things that I HOPE TO DO in 2010 tho is to continue to grow in relationship w God, plan reese and my wedding with my mama, possibly GET MARRIED (but its lookin more like early 2011...we want a classy yet SUPER FUN winter wedding), take the time to really enjoy the wedding plannin process, and possibly get involved in the music ministry at our church, Crossroads. Something else I plan on continuing to do is digging into my faith and searching for where God wants me to be in my faith journey. I was raised catholic, but ive been goin to an "inter-faith" church for the past 3 years and i LOVE IT and have GROWN SO MUCH because of it, but i OFTEN have different members of my immediate/extended family encouraging me to "come back" to catholicism bc of this, that, and the other and they r so genuine in their concern and sometimes it makes me rethink things...like maybe there's something about catholicism ive missed and need to re-look at...i dunno...to me its just a bunch of religion...and i pray about it constantly and i feel at peace with my decision about crossroads and my growth in my faith and relationship with God...until somebody brings up the "come back to catholicism" talk...Now, i have NOTHING against the catholic church...if that works for u and ur growth in ur faith and relationship w God then RIGHT ON...but i just dont havnt experienced that in the catholic faith...and i dont see the need to claim a sect of christianity...i just want to LOVE GOD GEEEEEEEEZ!! Why am I questioned and why are people concerned about me just bc i dont go to a catholic church?? IM LOVING GOD, GROWING IN HIM, LETTING HIM GROW IN ME, AND ACTIVELY PURSUING HIM DAILY...in accompaniment with attending weekly service, volunteering in my church community, and loving every minute of being a part of such a great community...i just dont get how the religious sect can be SO important??

I still want to have a catholic wedding, tho. The catholic church has played such a large part in reese and my life and we have so much respect for the catholic church...it also would be pleasing to our families since the majority of our families (both sides of mine, the dads side of his) are catholic...and we really are still searching and still looking to deepen our faith...however that may be...catholic...or interfaith...etc. We just love God, want to grow in and with him, and we will do that in watever way He leads us to. I hope that we are supported by our loved ones with watever path we are lead to. And i hope i can find a final peace about it all. I hope we all can find a peace about it all.

Anyhoots! I pray everyone has a safe entry into 2010 and u treat everyday as a chance to make those "new years resolutions" a RIGHT NOW possibility. May God surround you all with His love, peace, and blessings...HE IS GOOD!!! So thankful for 2009 and all he showed me, gave me, taught me, helped me accomplish, and challenged me with. Lookin forward to 2010!! Let the journey continue!!!!!

Soon to be Mrs. Brown :)

HE PROPOSED!!!! The day finally came...I knew it was coming for a while (us getting engaged, that is) but now it finally is a reality and i got the ring to prove it! And it's BEAUTIFUL!! He did a great job...it's absolutely perfect :)

How'd he do it? Well here's the story...

Every year my 317 ladies and I have our annual Jesus Party (He is the reason for the season yall!!), and this year the date was set for Saturday Dec 26, 2009. Apparently, Reese had been planning the party behind the scenes..even tho i thought I was the whole time..silly me...lol. My 317 ladies had known apparently for a quite a while his plans of proposing to me on the day of our jesus party so he would talk with my friends so that THEY would then basically pull my puppet strings to dance the way reese wanted me to dance...so essentially i had a part in planning my proposal as well hahaha. Anyhoots..just for background he essentially planned the DAY, LOCATION, TIME, etc of the Jesus party (which i guess could also be now called the proposal party). Usually we just have the girls at the party but this year we included significant others bc we said we were gonna make it more of a "celebration party" bc so many of us had something to celebrate (graduation, getting out of orientation, a recent move, etc) so there were more people at the party than usual...apparently this was orchestrated as well...i been bamboozled for real...

REWIND to Reese and Jessi's first kiss....picture it. We are at the Kovatch house and about to play a game of pool, best of 3 wins. If he wins, I have to crawl across the table and kiss him on the cheek. If I win, he has to wear a Dwight Freeney jersey for a week. Result--> I lost. So i made my way across the pool table (no damage was done to the leveling of the table..thank ya jesus im light...oh yea and dont yall start thinkin i was crawlin all trifalen and sexy cuz yall KNOW i was goofin off the whole way lol). At the end of the pool table crawl/jig I went to kiss him on the cheek...and that turned into the first kiss. How beautiful right? hahahaha.

FAST-FORWARD to Dec 26, 2009.

Reesaferd: "You been sayin we'd have a re-match in pool...so lets go then"

The beautiful one: "WHY NOW?!? all my friends are here and i dont wanna go downstairs to play a game of pool."

Then, after remembering reesaferd stating that i ask too many questions and ill prolly never allow him to propose to me bc of all the questions i ask, i decided not to ask anymore questions and just go play the game of pool.

Game one. Jessi the fabulous wins. Reesaferd racks the table. Reesaferd wins. Jessi begins to rack the table.

The beautiful one realizing reesaferd wont even roll down the balls in the far corner pocket: "Dang you can't even help me out?"

Reesaferd: "You lost...u rack em"

As I rolled around to the last pocket..I reached down into the pocket for the balls and there it was! The most beautiful brown box I've ever seen. By the time I pulled it out and looked up at him he was on one knee, making my heart melt with his words, and tearin up (it was allergies guys really...allergies...). My answer? Well I sat and deliberated for a while...weighed the pros and cons... oh who am i kiddin i said YES before he could finish all his beautiful words hahahaha...i kinda wish i couldve suppressed my natural reaction to say YES just to harrass him and give him a hard time but i was too excited, the ring was too pretty, and i love him too dag-gone much.

"Everyone upstairs already knows...dont they?" I asked.

"Oh yeah" he replied.

"Well just for the that then let's play another game and make em wait!" hahahaha

After we finished the last game of the 3 (i lost...dont judge me) we headed upstairs and when we opened the door i had my closest friends and my family there with balloons, poppers, cameras, hugs, and shouts for the newly engaged couple!!!

*IT WAS PERFECT*

We both knew that a ring/engagement was in the future bc we've know for essentially our entire 2.5 year relationship that we'd be getting married one day (he still claims he knew from the first day he met me...apparently the first time we met he told his friend, nicole, "I'm gonna marry her one day"...and she actually validates this claim...i still think it was a lightweight, not serious remark but he stands by his claim that he KNEW he'd marry me one day). I'm so happy that this day was SO special, tho...even tho we both knew itd happen at some point he planned everything so perfect so that this day would be special and a memorable milestone in our lives. He's the greatest :)

Now we're just SO GEEKED to get the ball rollin and get married!!! I'd marry him today if there wasn't wedding planning to do!! I just can't wait to enter into a new level with him in marriage...can't wait to be MRS. JESSICA BROWN and the female co-ceo of the Goof Troop family (that's what we are callin out family...the goof troop..t-shirts will be available soon for Goof Troop members and supporters)

Now it's time for WEDDING PLANNING!!!! Not that i havent been lookin into stuff for the past 2 years hahahahha...but now i actually get to PLAN!!! and I actually will GET MARRIED!!! Oh im just so geeked...and SO BLESSED and thankful that God led us to eachother...Can't wait to start the next chapter of our lives as Mr. and Mrs. Brown :)

LET THE WEDDING PLANNING BEGIN!!