Matthew 5: 43-48

Matthew 5:43-48 Love for Enemies "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I'm struggling with my worldly thoughts. I have VERY few people that I can say I don't like enough to not handle being around...very few as in...one. There's some other people I'd rather not be around, but I can stand it for short periods of time...just one that I'd be fine to never run into again...ok, maybe 2. One guy. One girl.

I do my best to kinda feel people out and not spending large amounts of time around people that I see potentially bringin out certain feelings/emotions/reactions in me that I'd rather not exhibit but are hard to suppress given the provoker. I don't like to get frustrated or angry at people, and I don't like when it's easier for me see the weaknesses of an individual than to see their strengths. EVERYONE has their strengths and weaknesses. EVERYONE has the potential of getting on someone else’s nerves and not EVERYONE is liked by EVERYONE. And there’s nothing wrong with any of that. It’s reality. Often times we seem to surround ourselves with others who share common traits/likes/dislikes/lifestyles/etc because it’s easier to be with others like us. I don’t see there being a problem with that as long as we don’t discriminate and entirely shut out anyone who ISN’T like us.

I like surrounding myself with a good mixture of people..i like hearing different perspectives..i like a little challenge to help me grow..but I also like my close friends who I truly believe we have similar DNA bc we are so similar in so many ways and just the right differences that compliment each other. The reason I have VERY VERY few people on my “UGHHHH don’t like” list is because I choose not to focus on people’s flaws..I find the things I love about them and I focus on that. Often times I’ll recognize the things I don’t like so much about the person and then I’ll question myself as to why I don’t like those traits..i try and see why certain things bother me and then I try and adjust myself and pray for personal growth/patience/change if it’s more of a personal problem that is keeping me from growin deeper with that person…OR if I find that the traits are just principle issues that I don’t respect or like then I simply try and distance myself JUST ENOUGH to still be friends with that person while not letting those certain traits get under my skin. I am all too aware of my own weaknesses and I’m sure there’s plenty of people who limit their time around me bc maybe those weaknesses are the most annoying those possible to someone else…and that’s totally fine. I realize I’m not perfect and I don’t expect everyone to be my “best friend”…all I want is for people to love me enough to pray for me and to hopefully see the Christ in me and the good in me. I know who I am, I know my flaws and I know my strengths…and I love me. Flaws and all! Haha.

So, back to my philosophy on friends. I really do *love* people in general…flaws and all…I just realize that certain characteristics in individuals works my nerves more than others and, thus, I try and remove myself temporarily from that person/provoking characteristic so that I can continue to focus on the good and not get taken over by my worldly agitation and lack of patience. I try to be patient, I REALLY DO! And I think I do a darn good job at it…even when Im EXTRA irritated I think I do a really good job of removing myself from the situation, clarifying my thoughts, calming down, and THEN addressing the issue in a loving and rationale way…the majority of the time this is how I handle things…but every now and then I have a hard time and I just get irritated!

This “every now and then” moment happened within this past year…I was SO patient and prayed and prayed and prayed that God would help me focus on the positives in this individual and continue to love her and take away my rather intense frustration towards her. I def think the prayers helped bc a few years ago when I just said what’s on my mind IMMEDIATELY when I thought of it in the heat of anger I woulda gone CRAZY and unleashed every last one of my thoughts and frustrations in a less than Christian manner. Now, I handle things SO much better…but it aint easy…oooooohhhh no it aint easy. Especially when the person keeps workin their way under my skin persistently. So, I kept praying for peace in my mind, patience with this girl, and I prayed that I’d be understanding…try and understand why she is the way she is so then MAYBE it’d be easier to deal knowing her story. Eventually, I blew up…I apologized afterwards and I genuinely meant it (I meant EVERYTHING I said, but not the manner in which I said it), but I def blew up. And even after tryin to reconcile things she just erked me entirely. And she still does to this day. We don’t speak…we don’t see each other…and we haven’t since we haven’t had to. For the most part, this has been FINE AND DANDY with me…I’m not frustrated all the time and im much more at peace without all that drama and extra-ness…BUT, I started to get concerned with my comfort in never seeing her and my enjoyment in not having the engage with her entirely after matthew 5:43-48 began to marinade. I had heard it before, but for some reason it was marinading now…here I am tryin to grow in my faith, in love, in Christ, and yet I cringe when I see her name on facebook and when her name pops up I’m thinking “I hope she’s doin well but GEEZ im so happy I don’t got to be around her”…how sad, right? I mean, like I said earlier…im not goin to like everyone enough to hang around all the time and THAT’S OK..but to cringe when I first hear/see her name and then rejoice that she is far removed from my life is just sad…and far from what Christ would want of me. Being a Christian isn’t easy dag-gone it…sometimes I just wanna not like someone and remove them entirely from my mind and be happy bc of it…I mean, for real..DO I REAALLLLYYYY gotta love her? God tells me yes. And my heart tells me yes. My mind just says HELL NO! RUN AWAY!!! Hahaha…it’s been an unsettling issue in my spirit for a while now…but I REALLY don’t want to talk to her and that’s what I feel like im bein led to do..i don’t even know what id say tho?!? I still feel the same about her…there are certain things I just cant tolerate and she possesses those things and I don’t see any desire in her to change that…its like its embedded in her..i suppose I could start focusing on her strengths more…cuz she has plenty…shes not like the worst person in the entire world...no where near it.. but its like all I can focus on when I hear her name is the things that erk me…and that’s not fair to her and im carryin unnecessary baggage…

“…He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?...” à YIKERS! That hurts…I KNOW that God wants me to love, ESPECIALLY those that are difficult to love…he clearly states it…and it makes sense…what’s so honorable and great about loving those who are easy to love? Nada…zip…zilch. It’s just so hard…my worldliness butts in and just makes this living Christian thing quick the challenge…but I know it’s all worth it. And my reward in heaven is so much greater than gratification here on earth…its just hard…

God, encourage me to be more like you…help give me the strength to grow in love and enrich my spirit and set aside my pride and the desire to live comfortably so that I can live more with you and live in the peace and love that only you can give. Help me renew relationships that are broken. Help me to see the good in people as I hope others will see the good in me regardless of my flaws. Give me patience and peace that surpasses all understanding. Help me to be more like you…humble me…forgive me for faults/thoughts/words…renew in me a new spirit. And please bless those I have lacked in blessing. You have the power to change my thoughts and my heart…make me more like you Lord.

Sometimes I think it'd be easier to be bald....

For the longest time I have had semi-long hair...the longest layer has tended to hang around right above my humble little ladies and ive essentially been battling damaged hair forever..i think when i hit middle school i started thinkin i should "do" my hair and that meant blow-drying and straightening...i think my hair could somewhat handle it at that stage, but after years of forcing my naturally wavy/curly hair to be what it is not my hair rebelled and decided to just dry up, abound with split ends, and adopt a not-so-soft texture...not cute. THEN, i started the phase of my life where i actually embraced my hair al naturale and let it stay curly. Throw in a little product, scrunch a bit, and WAH-LAH! Then i decided to self-color it...one of the many poor decisions i made in high school. First of all, I'd like to take this moment to re-live the, initially, purple hair as dilley and chels tell me "Oh it looks so cute!" Hefas. Wasn't nothin cute about it. lol. EVENTUALLY it was tho..once the color faded into more of a light brownish. Another time I died my hair red...which i dont think looked bad but it was no "EUREKA!" fabulous look for me neither. Regardless of what the color looked like, my hair was FRIED after the hair dying episodes. So, I began the journey towards healthy hair...tryin to get it trimmed semi-often, not coloring it anymore, and trying to avoid the flat iron. THEN my face acted a hot mess, I ended up taking Accutane for my skin "issues" and let me tell ya what Accutane's main mechanism of action is...it completely shuts off ALL sebaceous glands...ALL...not just to your face, but to those lovely hair follicles as well soooooo i essentially had NO OIL/NO MOISTURE goin to my face nor my lovely locks...therefore, my hair was breaking off...and fast. The ends of my hair, no matter what i did, were a hot mess...at all times. Wearing my hair curly made it less noticeable but the damage was still done. So since then ive been tryna rebuild this head of hair of mine. Everytime i went to get it "trimmed" my hair stylist would have to take off like 1.5 inches in order to clean up the ends somewhat while still keepin my hair long...to completely get rid of the damage i would've had to cut my hair probably up to my shoulders..something I was unwilling to do. NOW, after much much time of not using a blow dryer/flat iron/heat in general/color my hair is rather long, the majority of it is soft, and the ratio of split ends : intact hair strands has greatly decreased. Below are 2 pics of my hair as of today..the first one shows a better all around pic and the second one i think documents the healthiness of my hair the best..No fly-aways, lovely and sleek with no effort other than waiting for my hair to dry on its own..how convenient

So, naturally, now that my hair is long and for the most part healthy I am considering a hair change...not because i dont like my hair but i think i just want to change things up. Since it's taken 9.2 thousand years to get my hair this long AND healthy at the same time i am rather hesitant to cut it off in fear that the process of growin my hair out healthy again wont be finished until my hair has naturally turned grey...lol. BUT i think id look very sexy and sophisticated with a shoulder length bob (and i have a board of judges who agree) or some style around that length maybe a little shorter..and it'd be a nice change...but i think im more into the IDEA of it then the actually choppin it off idea..ummm PS. just looked up at the muted TV only to see some actress in a tank top, obviously bra-less, and RATHER cold...being that she practically filled the entire 46inch screen it was very hard to see any other than her boobies screaming for a bra to hug them...ok, sorry..that just really caught me off guard...back to my hair. OH WAIT! just looked up again and now there's detectives around her and shes lying face down (thank ya jesus) on a couch lookin rather lifeless...what am i watching? haha. Ok for real tho..back to my hair...SOOOO a part of me wants change, but i think the majority of me is too chicken to do it. Plus, i really like my hair...its unbelievably easy to do (take a shower..wrap it up in a towel...and either go to bed or just take the towel down after a bit and let it continue to dry on its own..) and i love my natural waves/curls and the length. If my hair doesnt dry the way i want it to, I just pull it back. It's so stress-free its ridiculous...my kind of hairstyle...LOW MAINTENANCE! But still lovely :) In regards to coloring my hair to change it up im just really hesitant bc of how sensitive my hair is to unnatural applications..plus, my hair has basically dyed itself! Somehow i used to be a golden blonde and mainly throughout my 4 years at Xavier did my hair pull a Optimus Prime and transform on me! For the majority of my life i been a golden blonde...now my hair is quite a few shades darker and it has a reddish/bronzish base to it...still got the natural highlights tho! I really like my hair color the way it is, too...so i wouldnt really wanna do too much changin it up...just maybe some more drastic highlights/lowlights..maybe some caramel or honey color? But then if i do that am i gonna ruin everything ive worked for!?!?! Is cutting my hair gonna be fabulous at first and then am i just gonna look back on pics of my lengthy locks in lustful longing?!?! OH THE DECISIONS!!! Can't i just have a personal stylist here at my beck and call to style my long hair differently every week so i dont hav to use my energy on it...or to cut my hair and make it super cute but then put in extensions when im sick of the short hair? Should I just go BALD?!?! I mean to be honest i dont got THAT bad of a head shape..other than the fact that i have a flat spot at the crown of my head and there's a good possibility my head will look a little grande without hair...and my strong chin will prolly look much stronger without some length to soften it...but it prolly wouldnt be too hard to make my bald head a shiny superstar tho!! haha...I am thankful for my long hair tho...its not the thickest but i got plenty of it...doesnt always do wat i want but it has its super fabulous moments and it keeps me warm like a natural scarf...and i think it fits me..i dont like spending too much time on my hair or make up so i typically dont do much with either of these categories and bein that my hair is low low maintenance (except for how long it takes to get all the nappies untangled with conditioner in the shower) it works for me! Also, the more and more i let it be watever it wants to be i seem to think it fits me more and more..sooooo who knows if im ever actually gona change anything with this head of hair of mine...i just hope that if anything ever does change its cuz i CHOSE to change it and its not due to some out-of-my hands reason...For now, i think ill just go get this head of hair of mine trimmed up soon...we'll see if anything else follows...

From sleep to babies...

I *LOVE* SLEEP! and i love my body feelin well-rested (which doesn't happen often because my body is VERY finnicky and requires routine and a minimum of a solid 7 hours of sleep to feel well-rested)...since adjusting to workin nights I have been sleepin fine and dandy during the day, but on my days off i get totally thrown off bc either i continue to sleep during the day and stay up all night and dont get to see many people or do much since the world is essentially unavailable at those hours, OR i tweak my schedule to accomodate "normal living" which, in turn, sends my body into rage leaving me extremely fatigued, head throbbing, and reesaferd typically gets spurts of a cranky attitude...so uncool on so many levels...

TODAY, I'm actually doin ok so far..i worked mon-tues-wednesday night and then is stayed up ALL day thursday and then finally went to sleep at 830 last night..When I woke up this morning at 930 i felt ok..decently well-rested and my headache is only mild for the time being...I'm excited bc I actually got to watch Ellen, eat breakfast when normal people do, and I'm sitting in my living room and I actually have natural light brightening the apt! *Fabulous* I'm plannin on running some errands (the dreaded grocery store visit followed by trips to different stores lookin for more ideas for decorating the apartment and then workin out). Exercising is QUITE the chore since I been working nights bc the gym closes when im awake at night and want to go work out so either i dont work out or i have to sacrifice sleep. And it's not like I can just go for a run outside at 3am...probably not the safest. I'll do some exercises around the house, but it gets old feelin locked up inside the house all the time...sometimes I'll sit out on the patio with my lovely decorations and just bundle up and sit and stare at the lovely dark scenery that engulfs me. Gotta get fresh air somehow! I switch back to day shift November 16 which excites me bc then my days off will actually feel like days off, but I'm kinda nervous cuz i SUCK at getting up in the morning...it's weird...I'll get the SAME amt of sleep thru the night as i do during the day when i work night shift but for some reason i wake up so much easier at 6pm versus 6am...6am just isnt natural...but then again workin night shift isnt either sooooo im screwed. HaHa! Gotta that make that money and save lives so i guess sacrifices must be made..lol. I got my cycle for when I'm out of orientation and on my own and it's pretty sweet...i have 2 different times thru my 6 wk cycle where i could take 5 days of PTO and essentially have 16 days off in a row...now that's just fantabulous! That's 2 vacations right there! I really like how children's has a cycle, too, bc i can essentially know everyday im workin for the entire year! I know that's nothing new to you mon-fri workers but thats not the case for us hospital peoples! There's no "I work every mon, tues, and thursday" for us...it changes mostly every week...so I LOVE knowing which days i work in my 6wk cycle and then can plan accodingly since my cycle just plunks out thru the year! I'm plannin on pickin up OT tho once im out of orientation...got big plans that require moolah! haha... I'm nervous about rotating nights/days tho...I'm prayin my body can handle it bc I really like having days OFF and I really only get that workin days it feels like..also, i like both the atmosphere of day shift AND night shift so I hope to be able to do both...if i cant...night shift is the only option since there aren't any straight day shift positions available sooooo thats how im livin at the bottom of the todem (spelling?) pole!

NEXT subject-->SO my apartment is lookin more and more like a *home* Reesaferd and I have done some painting, bought a beautiful bed set, and now I'm workin on some lovely decor to give that homey touch...it just takes me a while haha...as of now the house looks like it's trying really hard at lookin complete but still has a few more miles to the finish line. What sucks about all this is that our lease is up at the end of May and if we have the money for a house we are DEF moving! Also, if reese gets a job in indy we will obviously not be renewing our lease...regardless of all this i really want to keep decorating...it just makes the place really feel like home instead of a basic floorplan that holds our furniture. I REALLY can't wait to have our own house to decorate...it must be nice knowin the time and effort into makin the house feel homey will LAST for a while...but that's just not the chapter in life we're livin yet! All in due time...

SPEAKING of "chapter's in life"...i been getting more and more nervous about having kids...Now, have no doubt there are no plans for lil baybays anytime soon for reese and i but eventually there will be and sometimes i really worry...Not bc i dont think reese and i will be great parents...thats not an issue at all...and im not worried about the finances of havin a family consisting of more than reese and i bc the God will provide...what makes me nervous is the health of our children..I'm surrounded by parents who got pregnant and the entire pregnancy never even thought that their baby wouldn't come out "perfect" like most parents think in blissful ignorance...when you're pregnant there's so much focus on the excitement, and thoughts of how beautiful and perfect the baby will be...the only worries are usually the lack of sleep...but "oh no, what if my baby is born with a heart defect and will require open heart surgery within days of being born followed by more surgeries to come, and the possibility that he/she won't make it"...when you aren't around sick kids all the time you don't think "oh geez, yea my baby looks perfect in health NOW but what if in a year he/she develops neuroblastoma or some other cancer?" I really HATE to be debby downer, but this is what i see...i see families sitting next to their newborn unable to be held, intubated, open chested, and sustained by surgical intervention and many drugs...when I went to the PICU to observe for a night I heard stories of perfectly healthy kids who have lived perfectly healthy lives up until 17 when suddenly they were diagnosed by cancer and then pass a year later...I see the hearts of families sitting on their shoulders, and I see beautiful little babies and kids sicker then any little innocent child should be and their parents waiting with hope that soon they will be able to take their little ones home...Don't get me twisted here, I'm am all to aware that the majority of kids ARE healthy and DO make it to adulthood just like you and I have and I'm also aware that many of the kids we see and treat DO go home with mom and dad and MAN DOES THAT FEEL GOOD! But what gets to me is the thought of my baby being born sick...or living a normal child life and then suddenly we're living a whole new story...it absolutely scares the mess out of me...When I was pregnant with Tori (Jaliyah) I had NO WORRIES other than maintaining good grades and avoiding the seemingly unavoidable drama of you know who..I made sure to eat healthy and wat not but NEVER did i even consider the fact that she wouldn't be born perfect...10 fingers and 10 toes..a heart that beats strong and effectively, lungs that breathe life into her, and all the other organs that do as they were intended to...Now I feel like maurice and i are gonna get pregnant and im gonna be worried about EVERYTHING! I'm gonna make the ultrasound tech do a THOROUGH 2 hour exam of our growing little one to make sure everything is as should! AND im gonna request this lengthy exam Q2weeks!! hahaha...What keeps me sane and stops my worrying is knowing that God is good...and that HE is in control if i let Him be...and he wants all of His children to prosper...I know that I have NO control over whether my babies have heart defects or end up with cancer..I simply have no idea what the future holds...At the end of the day knowing that God is a GOOD God and a LOVING God and a HEALING God gives me peace...but my humanly thoughts often get in the way and it's hard not to question why God allows the things he does...and why can't all babies make it to adulthood? And why can't all adults live long healthy lives...especially when they took the time to actually care for their health...I just pray God will continue to prepare my heart and my mind so that when things don't go my way I will be able to face the changes with His strength and love...There's no way I'd NOT have kids just bc of my worries for them...But sometimes, seein what i see and knowing what i know, it's hard not to worry and, at times, think of the worst case scenario...Gotta keep makin my strides and allowing God to build and fill me up... and when life takes a difficult turn i hope i can remember to let HIS will be done...

WOW, this blog ended up kind of sad!!! Sad, but hopeful I guess...hope will always exist where God does! Ok...gotta spend this day wisely now that im actually awake for it! God is good...love is great...and omelets are a fabulous start to the day!!

Happy 1st day of NOVEMBER!

Can't believe it's November already! I felt like it was just yesterday I was having a persistent heart attack while studying for state boards! Now I've officially been an RN for 4 months! And it seems like Reesaferd just left to go back to school from summer break, and now he only has 45 more days til he is back **FOR GOOD**!! I'm uber excited but it hasn't fully set in yet. Basically for the past 2.5 years our relationship has been months of distance with periodic "home breaks" so I'm used to him comin home but then havin to go back...I can't wait for him to move all his stuff back and settle in at home where he belongs :) We have talked alot about our distance relationship and even though both of us would've LOVED to have been to reach out and touch each other at any given moment we see that, once again, God's way is the best way! While I do think that both of us are such good communicators that our communication would be good regardless, but we truly are SO THANKFUL for God pushing the *hold button* and creating the physical distance bw us bc we were literally forced to build a relationship on friendship, open communication, and trust. It gave us a chance to see how strong we are as a couple...while we KNOW life will provide us with plenty of other trials, we feel like these first few years hav been a trial in itself and we have done so well and hav only grown stronger in and with one another so its encouraging...I'm not gona lie tho, there were plenty of days where all i could do is play the poor old jessi show and envy those who had their loved ones w them at the drop of a dime ...and sometimes i got frustrated thinkin "God, we have a love rooted in you and a love that's genuine and true WHY must you keep us apart?" but im so thankful God knows better than me :) Me with all my issues...all my doubts that i used to hav in relationships ...w all my insecurities and in denial that i could hav a man who genuinely loves me for ALL that i am-the strong aspects of me and the parts of me that are weaker n a bit annoying even to me! lol ... But i truly believe that by seeing his persistent faithfulness and unstaggering focus on US and doing whatever he can for us and our growth even in our distance I have lost all doubt, all second guessing, all uncertainty. This man and what we have been so blessed to have and live don't go a day without moments of amazement...My growth individually and my growth in relationship have evolved beyond wat i ever couldve imagined...I see myself more and more becoming the person God designed me to be...and I'm lovin this person so much more than that crazy chic i was lettin myself become years ago...can I get an AMEN for deliverance! My naptown girls can testify to my growth i think the most hahaha. Anyhoots...ALL SMILES for the permanent return of my Mr. !!

We've been talkin alot about plans for when he's back...especially where we are gonna live and where he's goin to work. We'd like to stay in Cincinnati for several reasons: (a) his family is here and we both hav good friends here (b) we LOVE our church, Crossroads, and are biased in the belief that no other church is better haha (c) i LOVE my job at children's and dont want to leave! and (d) i love our relationship with my relatives and being a part of my cousins' lives and i wouldn't be able to be as involved if we moved back to indy (e) i kind of sorta LOVE sittin on the serpentine wall on the river and walkin thru the park and throwin football on the greenspace there on the river...such a place of peace for me. For now, Maurice is just going to apply at places in both Cincinnati and Indy and wherever he lands a good job that he can see himself enjoyin we will most likely end up. While there a definite reasons as to why I and we would like to stay here in cincy i OBVIOUSLY wouldnt mind movin back to Indy!! Love my friends, love my family, plenty of hospitals including 2 children's hospitals, and i just love the city of Indy...it'd be kind of crazy tho cuz now Chels and her familio will b movin closer to Cincinnati so we'd kind of be flip floppin when in reality we were born to be neighbors hahahaha. Another thing ive grown to love about cincinnati is the opportunity for growth and change that NEEDS to happen in this city...there are so many areas that need a little extra love, concern, and helpin hands...but then again every city has it's fair share of the need for TLC. BUT as of now we gots NO IDEAR as to wat we'll be doin cuz maurice needs to graduate first and find him a j-o-b! haha...im sure we'll end up exactly where we're meant to be so i suppose i should just let that be!!

Sooooo it's 11:30 (2330 lol) and im something ridiculously tired but i GOT to stay up til at least 3 or 4 (preferably later tho) so that i can sleep all day tomorrow and be ready for 12 hours of work tomorrow night! My body and sleep schedule thrive on routine and working 3 nights of the week and then tryin to be "normal" on the off days so to spend time w family/friends doesnt really do anything for a body that thrives on routine...very unfortunate situation at times lol...I like workin night shift for several reasons, but the main drawback is days off bc they throw me off instead of rejuvenate me and it kinda sux that i miss daylight on the regular haha...i have found that sleep is HANDS DOWN more important tho! Good thing Krogers is 24 hours....gives me something to do at night when im awake and the rest of the world is konked...I'll be out of orientation beginning of January and then I'll start rotating 3wks days 3wks nights soooo well see how that goes! I really like workin dayshift cuz there are most post-ops, i like the people, and it gets really busy with events that dont really happen on night shift...but i like workin night shift cuz i like the people who works nights as well, the slowed down environment is a breath of fresh air, and i have more time to process everything esp my patient's diagnosis and all that is involved in their care/status....but regardless of whether it's day or night the kids are just as sick and in need of a close eye and constant care...i hope rotating works bc i like both day and night shift...i just dont know if my body will be able to do it. And if it can't, my only other option is working straight nights because there aren't any positions open for straight days. We shall cross that bridge when we get there tho! For now i just gotta keep focusin on gettin better and better and learning all that i can so i can be the best nurse i can be (enter a big cheesy smile and a tacky thumbs up) ! haha...i keep remindin myself "one day at a time jessi...one day at a time"...unfortunately i cant work 4 months and hav the same beastlyness and knowledge of the nurses who have been there for 5+ years..such a shame...haha...Love what i do tho...love my babies...and i keep takin steps back to make sure im lovin the journey...this has been Nurse Jessi...OUT. oh wait PS. GO COLTS!!! 7-0 baby!!! LOVE my colts!! GO BLUE!!! :)

Oh PAYCHECKS??? Where are youuuuu???

SOOOOO I've been working full time since July, yet everytime I look at my bank account I get so bummed out bc I don't see any growth in the number next to the phrase "available balance". It's been 5 stinkin months of full time workin yieldin great paychecks so im thinkin "shouldnt my bank account say i have more moolah?!?!" It's just kind of frustrating...GRANTED i have bought ALOT of great things for the apt, i HAVE an apt, i paid OFF my car, i been able to pay all my bills/groceries/etc, and i was able to pay for my Lasik eye surgery all on my own so i can see the fruit of my labor in what I have bought/paid for but GEESH...I want to SAVE money. I want to see growth in my bank account! I know that time will come...it's just kind of frustrating for now...and I am definitely grateful for all that I have been able to pay for...I'm just ready to have savings...start investing...start building a home down payment fund!! :)

BUT life happens...car brakes wear down and need replacing, student loans need to be paid off, the monthly bills wont ever stop a-flowin...and IN TIME i know ill be able to see financial growth esp in savings...not to mention reesaferd will be graduatin in december (GO REESE!!!) so as long as we dont run into troubles with the economy in regards to hiring new grads he will be working soon too so bills will be split which will be AMAZING!! He obviously hates the fact that he can't help out financially right now, but patience is a virture...and both of us need to work on that! Me needin to be patient with seeing growth in savings...and him needin to be patient with graduating and finding a job. Lord, grant us peace and patience!!!

Anyhoots...I'm thankful for the financial situation I am in and the wonderful job I have...I'm just ready to start seeing a number that reflects growth in my savings..im ready to see the fruit of my labor via the number next to "available balance"! But for now...thankful for what i got...workin on patience for that to come in the future...p.s. life costs too much...hahaha...

My Friends..My Roots...

So this weekend reesaferd and I headed up to the 3-1-7 to celebrate 3 of my main ladies' october birthdays...Included in this fun-filled festivity was LOUD conversating and laughin (ya know..the usual) at Benihanas followed by goofin off at the Vogue (which was WHACK...but we were clownin doin our dag-gone thang so of course we had fun! DUH sillys!!). I am just *so blessed* to have such amazing friends who been by my side all the way back to the high school days...the parties, the infamous "lunch table", all of our poor choices in boyfriends (no one is exempt from this..hahaha), the vacations, the photo shoots, the STRAIGHT CLOWNIN, the drivin around thinkin we were swagalicious FOR REAL...hahahah oh GLORY thank ya Jesus for deliverance!! and for friends/family who love us even when we are a hot mess!! haha! I'm just so appreciative to have such amazing women on my team...to be the trustworthy and nonjudgmental ears when i need to vent, to be able to goof around and clown just like me, to be GENUINELY interested and invested in me and my well-being, to fellowship with, to grow with, to laugh at the past with and celebrate the present and future with, to grub with (WE GETS DOOOWWWWWNNNN), to just DO LIFE with. It is so rare to find a pack of DRAMA FREE, just enjoyin life, always ready for goofin around, and trustworthy females...and to have so many similarities but JUST enough differences to balance each other out...These ladies have seen me thru my toughest times, the best times, and all that comes in between. I just feel so proud to be surrounded by simply AMAZING women...I have many other friends ALL whom I appreciate and love as well, but this specially goes out to my 3-1-7 ladies..yall are my roots...and I cannot be more grateful for your friendship and loyalty...even tho we were ALL a hot mess in high school when we first started hangin out we all somehow turned out to be quite the fine individuals...and i think we owe that in part to eachother..for the individual and group contributions made to help shape us into who we are today...I love you guys!! And I'm so blessed to have you all to share my life with...So thankful for my roots :)

Have no fear! Chef Jessi's Here!!!

AH HAAAAAAAA CALL ME BETTY CROCKER CUZ THE CHEF IS IN THE HOUSE!!! hahaha...turns out my last minute meal idea turned out to be FANTABULOUS! it smelled delicious but i was still a little hesitant, but after i concentrated on a spoonful of my creation i was so geeked! I know it's not like it's a meal fit for the food network, and my older brother tried to put me to shame by makin some crazy ridiculous amazing tilapia meal for my dad and grandma but gosh darn it im so proud of myself for my whipped together in 10 minutes meal!!! Ya gotta start somewhere right?? Hopefully my big bruhder will show a sista some love and help me out with the upgrades!! With my mom and sean around you'd expect me to be chef-boyar-jessi!! I keep tellin myself "in time jessi...in time...." hahaha.. Here's to a delicious nutritious meal!!!! :)