SoOoOoOoOoOo BoReD

So it's 3:13 am as i start to type this. I've been at work now for 8 hours. Still have 4 more to go. Glory. My kid-o was busy at first, but she's been behaving and not doing anything too funky so for the past FOREVER ive just been sitting here. Hanging out with my other lovely nurses. Bored.

I suppose I am happy im bored because that means my kid is doing good (for the circumstances..it's all relative around here lol)...but GEESH ive exhausted all internet searching and i dont feel like reading right now in fear of falling asleep...and i couldnt think of anything really to blog about but seriously i couldnt check facebook again...even tho when im bored thats what i seem to do but i never seem to get anywhere. I just end up messaging a gang of people or i find myself flipping thru someone's pics that i dont even know only to suddenly realize "hey...i dont know this person" and then feel awkward and sign off. Only to sign back on in 30 minutes when i find myself bored again hoping that MAYBE one of my FRIENDS has posted something worth while. Although most of my friends aren't up at this hour sooooooooooooooo essentially the cycle just continues. I probably check all 4 of my email inboxes, facebook, theknot.com, the weather, and sibcy.com 900,000 times in one slow night. Now when it's busy and i got a really ACTIVELY sick kid then it's a WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. I barely get time to breathe which is kind of nice actually bc then when i finally sit down to catch that long lost breath i realize 9 hours have passed and it's almost time to hop in Merchinski (the vehicular) and head home. Not to mention i atleast feel PRODUCTIVE on those days...nights like tonite i feel more like a babysitter...which isnt always the worst thing bein that i love kids...ooooo unless they r fussy kids. Then i dont love them as much hahahaha jk jk jk...well im KIND OF just kidding lol. When they are consistently fussy for 12 hours ya just seem to lose that sympathetic "oh let me comfort you" feeling. Ya fight thru it, but sheesh i wish some of these fussy babies would listen to my wise words when i tell them, oh so lovingly, that they won't be liked in high school if they continue to be so whiney! Hopefully they heed my advice one day. I'm just lookin out for their social lives! They'll thank me one day. If only they knew...

Well now that im officially babbling i realize i DO have some things id like to *share*. Ah yes.. share time. The joys. WOW...IMMEDIATE INTERRUPTION OF THOUGHT NECESSARY: i was just offered a bootleg copy of "Ghetto fights part 3 and 4" by one of our PCA's... umm THANKS but no thanks!! He cracks me up tho...extra ghetto comin at me with BOOTLEGS of GHETTO FIGHTS tho. lol. So ghetto. and SO hilarious. Oh how i love people. Ok soooo back to share time.

*A Time to Travel?*

Maurice and i have been thinkin more and more about me doing traveling nursing and us going somewhere WARM for while! Most traveling nursing agencies won't take nurses until they have at least a year of experience and i wont have one year under my belt until July. Which is FINE bc we wouldn't want to travel until after our *Big Day* anyway. We just figure if Reese hasn't found a job that he really enjoys and is worth staying here for then why not get PAID (living expenses and health insurance are paid for) and go live somewhere WARM for a bit! Not to mention we'd be able to save ALOT of money cuz we'd basically pocket everything...and there's a big tax break for traveling nurses so id even be making more...kinda seems like a win-win situation! Reesaferd was thinkin maybe he could get certified as a personal trainer so then he could find a job wherever we go doing that. Figure we could do our traveling/exploring thing for maybe a year (MAYBE two), and then by the time we come back we'll have a DECENT chunk for a down payment on a *house* and we can be back by our family and friends. We both really want our kids to grow up around their family and our close friends so unless everybody decides to get up and move it looks like we'll end up in indy or cincinnati! But only God knows what's all really gonna happen. The traveling idea sure sounds delicious tho. Although we'd OBVIOUSLY be happy if reese landed a good job now...but let's face it...the market SUCKS. And ALOT of employers dont know what they are missing by not giving mah baby a chance. No they dont.

I'd have to figure something out tho with my job here cuz i love it so much i wouldn't want to set myself up for possibly not being able to work here again when i get back. Plenty of nurses here have left and traveled or worked somewhere else for a bit and then were able to come back, but they just lose their seniority i guess..i have no seniority to lose tho soooooo its all good haha. But we'll see what the man upstairs has in store for us.

Ok...time for 4 o'clocks...got lives to save around here in case u didnt know...changing the outcome baby....changing the outcome...

Over the weekend I had the blessing of being a bridesmaid in one of my good friend's wedding...I had such a GREAT time with friends and sharin debbie and josh's special day with them!! The ceremony and reception were put together so beautifully and everything ran smoothly. Debbie seemed 100% stress free and they both seemed to really enjoy their day. Now I am becoming even more impatient for reese and my wedding. Oct 30 seems so stinkin far away!! We are really enjoying wedding planning tho and the whole "engagement phase". I've heard from so many people that wedding planning is super stressful, but we havent experienced that at all! As of now all we really have to do is book our photographer (who we already have picked...we just have to send the check in), book the cake person, and start lookin into florists.

I'm still unsure whether i wanna do silk flowers or real flowers...if i buy silk flowers on sale i can save a lot of money and they are still beautiful PLUS they wont die and i can make them/put the bouquets together way before the wedding. But i can also save money with fresh flowers by buyin them straight from the grower and then assembling the bouquets on my own w some help with friends/family. I really like that idea but just worry cuz we'd have to put the flowers together the day before the wedding which puts us at risk of having flower problems and then not havin time to pull something else together! I dunno i dunno i dunno...got time to figure it out tho. If anyone has any input let a sista know! :)

I'm just so excited for the wedding tho...I can't wait to be Mrs. Brown..i cant wait to walk down the aisle surrounded by all our friends and family and marry my knight in shining armor :) Debbie's wedding seemed to fly by SO FAST and it made me sad in a way cuz i know that if i thought it went fast then debbie probably thought it FLEW by...and as the bride im sure the day will fly by for me too but i dont want it too!!! I want to slow things down whenever and wherever i can so we can hopefully take it all in and enjoy our day as much as possible! I just feel like im all geeked and excited for our wedding day and ill be this way still for like 7 more months and then in one day it will all be over! But then i suppose the upside is we will then have SO MUCH to look forward to as married couple, future parents, etc. Oh yea...ps. i have been havin baby fever like CRAZY!!! CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY!! I just can't wait to pour my love out into our little ones...reese is gonna be such an amazing dad and i cant wait for all the fun times that havin a little one will bring. Not to mention i feel like our kids are gonna be flippin hilarious and awesome so i cant wait to be entertained lol. I feel like reese and i will entertain our kids just as much as theyll entertain us...we call our family unit the "goof troop" which is too perfect of a title. I've just always felt like a calling of mine is to build into youth and i cant wait to help our very own little one's grow :) We eventually want to be foster parents and/or adopt as well (or if thats God's plan from the get go then we'll do it when called upon), but im really excited for that too. I just feel like ive had all this love poured into me that it is only dutiful and necessary to pour it back out and there isn't a better way than to pour the love into those that are looking up to me for that very love, guidance, and security. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh i just cant wait for marriage, little ones, and all the other blessings God has for us! And i just cant help but be excited for our kids just cuz i really think they r gonna be hilarious...some real pieces of art thats for sure! hahaha! anyhoots enough of all that.

Headin to a marriage conference at Notre Dame this coming weekend so hoping to take in a lot of really great info and continue to build the foundation already laid for reese and my marriage. Not to mention ill get to see family from south bend and my godson!!!! I dont get to see my big bruhder, sister-in-law, and nephew NEARLY as much as i wish i could. If i lived by them id watch keaton on all my days off when they were at work. I hope that someday all my brothers and i can live close to eachother so we can spend more time together...and not just for certain occassions like holidays/birthdays/etc. I wanna be able to just throw together a cookout on a random weekend and have all them and their girlfriends/wives/kids/etc around to kick it with. Maybe someday!! What's crazy about all that longing for being close to them is that reese and have been contemplating temporarily moving somewhere WARM year round for a while (like florida or california type of states ya digssss). I could do traveling nursing so we wouldnt have to pay for rent/utilities/health insurance AT ALL and he could find a job for the length of time im contracted and we can just soak up the fabo weather and fabo savings! Plan is ideal but not sure if itll ever happen...especially if we have kids soon after we are married cuz i dont know how i feel about being new to an area with a little one with no family/friends nearby. It's a thought tho! lol. Anyhoots...probably should get back to work...it's been a slow night so far and im hopin it stays this way so i can chill and get some non-work stuff done! Anyhoots...Be real. Love God. Love yourself. Eat fluffy biscuits. And don't skip breakfast.

When freedom comes

This is a song sung at a service at my church, Crossroads. It is a part of what is called our "free journey" that the entire church community is participating in right now...this song speaks to me in ways that i can not describe. Music, even without words, can move me into an entirely different frame of mind...take my spirit out of my body...and it helps me make sense of my emotions and helps me to share what im feeling internally with others in a way that i cannot do with simple words. Music is my avenue of emotional relief...a form of freedom...and an integral component to my sanity. I'm so thankful for having this outlet...this avenue...this method of connection...and im grateful for the musicians that have been given this gift that they give me..and im grateful that God has given me an outlet by putting this spirit of music in my heart...bringing it to my ears and into my mind...and bringing my spirit to life thru the music i make...

http://crossroads.net/downloads/playMedia/idMedia/1029

We all need freedom from something. There is SOMETHING or SOMETHINGS that we are in bondage to. Chains that we have allowed to burden us and that hinder us from becoming the potential of who God created us to be. I am all too aware of those things that keep me in bondage...my mind gets the best (or more appropriately said the WORST) of me...i become overwhelmed with a lack of patience...i often get short-tempered over little things that TRULY don't matter. I often hold myself to ridiculous expectations even when i KNOW these expectations are not of God and are NOT important to me gainging personal wealth. I sometimes expect others to be on the same page as me...to do unto me as i would do unto them...to automatically understand me at my core and even to be able to relate with me at that level...I am in bondage to expectations. To unnecessary standards. To my impatience and short-temper that pop far more frequently than they used to. To my belief that maurice and i should be on the same wave length at all times and if we aren't one of us is wrong. I'm in bondage to my thoughts. The thoughts that tell me i could've prevented something from happening...the thoughts that make me think i am in control of an outcome and therefore when the outcome isnt what i expected it to be i get frustrated even while at the SAME TIME knowing that God's plan is not MY plan (and that it's best that way). In bondage to maurice and my old baggage that randomly infiltrates our union when it all needs to be left in the past viewed as a stepping stone to get us to where we are NOW. In bondage to jealousy. Jealous of maurice's natural calm spirit and consistent patience. His ability to simply go with the flow and let be what is to be. In bondage to the resentment that i often have towards him for not having to experience the bondage to control/expectations/high standards/and negative thinkin that will occassionally flood my mind.

God wants me to be free from all of this. To be the person He created me to be. To be the person I am 98% of the time and to be free from those pop-up moments of being dragged down by chains..cuz even tho i dont have those moments too too often, when i DO have them they consume me entirely leaving me in a far from light place. A place that feels far and distant from God. And distances me from the man I love so much and who loves me more than i could ever have imagined.

Freedom from myself may take time...the road may hav some rough spots as i work thru letting parts of me die so that I can live in the freedom God wants for me...those rough spots will be all worth it tho..."when freedom comes it will be worth it..." God I pray for your freedom. For your peace and calm. For your joy. Release me from all that keeps me in bondage. Hear the cries of those still kept in chains, whatever those chains for that individual may be. May we all find the freedom you desire us to have. Amen....

"When the freedom comes...it will be worth it...

it will be worth it..when it comes to you

cuz you've got too much on your shoulders

Too much in your head

Too much in your heart...that's poisonous

Root deep, I see, things that keep you from seeing me

My will be done. In everyone.

Cuz you've got burdens on your shoulders.

LIES in your head. Pain in your heart.

That wants you dead.

Spirit, open their eyes. Open their minds. Open their hearts.

And help them know...truth from a lie..foe from a friend

**THAT I AM FOR THEM**

cuz i want FREEDOM on their shoulders

PEACE in their heads

LOVE in their hearts

Again..."

It's been a long time..i shouldnt have left u...

...without a dope beat to step to...step to...step to step to step step to..step to...bricky bricky bricky! Ok...fa real tho its been a long time since ive blogged! Been super busy with fun and exciting wedding planning business, work, and most recently DEBBIE'S (aka d-beezy, d-bizzle, big D) BACHELORETTE PARTY!!! So that's what im gona blog about today...deb's night out (group shot located on the left)!

We started out the night at the hotel in Cbus...gettin all perdy, puttin the gear on, and OPENING PRESENTS!!! I think everyone enjoyed THAT!! Deb's def got some great gifts...hopefully she puts them all to use hahaha. After presents we hopped on the free shuttle to Mongolian Grill for din din. Note to self: pre-think what u want to be eating for dinner and what will taste good in a stir-fry before goin to mongolian grill again! haha. I was so lost. And very overwhelmed. It was silly busy and i was takin forever to try and decide what i thought MIGHT taste good together in my stir fry bowl...i ended up with steak, shrimp, chicken, veggies, potatoes, and BUFFALO SAUCE hahaha...after the grillers threw my sauce onto my mixture i just sat there lookin at my food sauteing and i was thinkin "for real jessi? buffalo sauce on ur stir fry?" My face made evident my lack of confidence in my ingredient choices. One of the grillers turned around and was like " wat u dont trust that we know wat we're doin?!" and im like "(SIGH)my guy my guy my guy.....i dont trust MYSELF!" hahaha...it turned out ok tho...not too shabby. To tag along with my obvious "i dont belong here" feelin I was in stilettos...silver sparkly strappy big bad boy stilettos in accompaniment with an outfit fit for a night on the town...unlike many of the friendly faces wearing hoodies and jeans (jessi's normal attire lol). We definitely stood out as divas goin out for a bachelorette party should!! :) Deb's was decked out in sashes, blinking buttons, a veil, and a crown so i think it was a bit obvious wat we were up too that night.

Then...it was time to make the treacherous journey to the bar (called BIG BANG..it was a piano bar...never been to one.. WAY FUN...a little more country than i like but it was alot of fun!!) I thought i was gona die trudging in my heels to the bar. Rachel, debbie's sister, made a statement earlier that night that the bar was "right across the street from mongolian grill". I got juked!! haha... i love u rachel but that was NOT right across the street...especially not in stilettos and with no coat on a cold night (although that was my own personal FAIL of a decision..dont judge me) haha. But once we got there it was all fun times! We immediately had a round of shots bought for us and we managed to wiggle our way down to the front and get a table! HEYYYYY!!!! Next time we go we gotta get there earlier tho so we can get a table DEAD CENTER on the floor. Deb's would've got more attention and moments of embarrassment if we woulda been closer. It's ok tho...she still got up on stage!!! "HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES KNEES AND TOES. BOOBS! BOOBS!BOOBS! BOOBS!" hahahha! awesome lol

For the rest of the night it was just all fun times! Boogyin on down..a drinky drinky here and a drinky drinky there...enjoyin every second of it! But then...the night took a turn for the worse. The bar was closin down (yeaaaaa we shut it down yall haha) and we called for our taxis. Suddenly, a guy that works at the bar goes "ummm im really sorry but i think ur taxis just got taken by those people"...WHAT?!?! how were we supposed to know it was OUR taxi THEY were gettin into?! and why didnt the bar guy stop them sooner?!?! Well, then they told us we couldnt wait inside the bar anymore soooo it was -700 degrees outside, i had no coat, killer stilettos on, and my feet were DYIN!! We were walkin closer to the main busy road to try and get a taxi only for me, rachel, and i think katie to suddenly be in the back of a pizza place. "Uh uh girls you gotta go!" DANG IT! We needed warmth!! Y couldnt she help a sister out! We eventually got a FREE ride home from angie's biffers (amen alleluiah...God bless his innocent soul with all us loud females packed in the car).

We finally got back to the hotel (insert: we didnt pay for transportation THERE or BACK! shweeeet) and literally within 5 minutes of bein back we had security called on us! FOR REAL?!?!?! FOR REAL PEOPLE?!?! we havent even been back for 5 minutes...thats not NEARLY long enuf to cause such a disturbance that would necessitate a security call. Get over yourselves people! I can understand if we stayed loud for a long time but we literally didnt hav enuf time to even let ourselves simmer! GEESH! We were all too knocked to even hav lasted another 10 minutes...the testy grump shoulda waited a bit longer cuz the only thing she/hed woulda been able to call about then was how loud we were snoring! Eh...watever tho...just glad we didnt get evicted lol. It was DEF nice to have the weekend out with the ladies...the drive up and back with my gurls provided great convos of nursing, our men, our lives, etc and the time with deb's and the other bridesmaids was great too! Nothin to worry about..just havin fun w the ladies and most importantly celebrating debbie's SOON TO wedded statismo!! CANT WAIT FOR THE WEDDING!!! We just might have to hit up the piano bar again that weekend! It was too fun to pass up!!! I can't wait for my bachelorette now too!! Chels and I have been brewin up some shweeeeeet ideas! GEEKED!!!

Ok...well it's back to work tomorrow so i need some snoozies....im STILL recovering from our fun-filled weekend so sleep is a MUST with these 12 hour work days!! Wats sad tho is that im more so recovering just from bein out so late...i mean i drank which i havnt done in QUITE a while but i really think it was the 3 somethin a.m. bedtime that REALLY got me. im a pansy. i know it. and thats fine! carry on!!! Now for some sleep so i can be at my FULL potential to save lives at the good ole j-o-b and CHANGE THE OUTCOME!! lol