Nae's Baybay Shower!!!

Sunday was DEF Funday! Ranck, pickle, bruc-e and i all made a trip down to lexington for nae's baby shower! I'd like to add the ranck, pickle, and bruc-e also made an extra trip to WHO KNOWS WHERE when they got lost on their way to my apt...how sad...lol. I'm so happy that we all got to share that special day with Cynae...i think all us did...reminds us of the good ol clownin days in high school...we have so many RIDICULOUS memories and good times and its so good to know we're still all friends! Also, id like to add that cynae's ridiculosity STILL prevails..the high squeaky voice LIVES ON and STRONG...she STILL cant sing..lol..and im so glad to see her so happy :) Some pics to document that the baby shower occurred (IM NOT LYING! SHES HAVIN A BABY!) found below:

*CONGRATS TO CYNAE AND JOSH!*

and congrats to me...for being awesome...Amen.

It's My Mommy's Birthday!!!

My mother dearest is the greatest in the whole wide world!!! I'm so thankful for her..her portrayal of strength and courage, her wisdom, her faithfulness to Christ, and her amazing mothering skills (i mean..she's a beast..she raised ME! lol jk jk jk). Anyhoots...HAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYY BIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRTTTTTHHHHHHDDDDDAAAAYYYYYYYYY to the lovely mother of mine :)

Weddings, The encounter w Turkey*, and healin the past

Friday: I volunteered at Crossroads (our home church) with the wedding team. It was so much fun! We basically made sure everything went smoothly for the bride and groom on their super special day. I really wanted to get involved more in our church community so when I heard they needed help on the wedding team I was like HECK YES! Sounds fun, maybe stressful at times if your dealin w/ a bridezille, and i can get pointers for our wedding (whenever that may be..lol)! I really wanted to volunteer w/ the kidos in kids club but they need people to be there consistently every weekend and i can't do that thanks to hospitals bein open on the weekends..lol. So when I emailed Susan (she leads the wedding team) and told her about my schedule and need for flexibility she said id fit right in! After I was done helpin out around the Crossroads community I headed out to pick up Reesaferd!! He got a ride home last minute and then went out w a long time friend for a bit while I was at crossroads so i went and picked him up and brought him home where that boy belongs! He had been tellin me about this song he heard in his dance class...sayin the first time he heard it he stopped dancing, went up to the teacher and said WHAT IS THIS CALLED? MY WIFE AND I NEED TO DANCE TO THIS AT OUR WEDDING! lol. It truly is perfect..in every single way..and I never would've found that on my own..soooo essentially we haven't got engaged ("officially) and haven't started plannin a wedding but we think we're dead set on our first dance song! lol. I'm not spillin the beans tho...peoples gotta wait til the weddin to hear it!! That's right...wait in anticipation! haha

Saturday: My gurl Jess (my other 1/2 of j-squared) came over cuz she was in town. Note to self: I love that gurl! We can talk for ever (well...we both could prolly talk to ourselves forever so put us together and its a dag-gone mess lol)..I got the 411 on her recent updates n i gave her my scoop as well. I love our convos so much cuz we hav similar thought patterns, beliefs, outlooks on life etc so its sometimes like I'll be talkin about a topic and questioning this and that about it but then she'll chime in and say something and im just baffled at how things she says is wat ive been needin to hear or think about. I am, no doubt, very blessed to have such an amazing woman as a close friend. She's my gurl for real for real.

Then Saturday night Reese and I went to church. He was at a football game w his boys and i was at the apt w/ jess so we just met up at church. But there was DEF a twist to our meeting. I spot him immediately as I walk into the atrium (a very LARGE big open space where free coffee/drinks are served at crossroads). I mean, he's hard to miss...and my eyes r set in radar mode for him..lol. As I start to get closer, peanut butter sandwich in my hand (I knew he'd be hungry and need it) I see a girl next time- which is no big deal...I'm not a "ur not allowed to talk to other gurls" kind of girlfriend. He didn't see me until I was right up next to him since his back was faced where I entered the building, and I just look at up at him and smile and hand him his sandwich. Then, I ask "and who is this?" (in a kind and plain voice...i just love meetin new people especially people a part of reese's life) and he says kind of under his breath her name. I smiled and said hi to her with a gentle nod of my head acknowledging that "I come in peace" haha. She then went her way and reese took my hand and we went ours. Now...when he initially said her name i didnt hear it clear enough since he played the mumble game so i asked him again when we walked away..."What was her name again?" "Turkey*" he says (i dont wanna use her real name cuz thats unnecessary so ill call her turkey). My heart starts to flutter in an unusual manner. "Turkey* WHO?" (knowin dag-gone well what Turkey* he was talkin about). He then said her last name and I just stood there as he was gettin his drink re-filled with a look on my face that said more than 1000 words. I knew exactly who she was via stories I had been told, and I had never been too fond of her n lacked some respect for her bc of these stories...I was able to keep her out of my mind tho bc she was from years ago (except for when she kept tryin to talk to reese when she knew dag-gone well wat the business was...POOR decision on any female's part...wat happened to respect ya know?). Well, apparently i have more disdain for the girl than i thought bc my stomach twisted in knots and all i could think of were the things i knew about her (aka only negative things for real) and how i couldnt believe she had the audacity to get his attention n talk to him. Granted...she had every right to and she might have been completely innocent in wanting to just say hi and have casual chit chat, but i wasnt thinkin of anything other than EEW and THE AUDACITY..haha. I'm sure she's a nice girl, I really do...I think she made some poor decisions but dont we all. I just felt like I had a knife thrust into my stomach and then twisted around. It's almost like it doesn't matter whether you rationally know its been years etc etc ...when it's someone you love...someone you cant picture yourself without and someone you know never belonged with and never should belong with anyone else, it just makes you wanna physically vomit when you think of someone else from their past...regardless of the degree to wat was shared...it's just nauseating and makes u wish u had one of those men in black red flashy erase all memory thoughts hahaha. And for real, this was my first time ever bein face to face w one of his girls from the past (luckily he doesnt have many...). Ive met a few innocent and barely anything of significance infatuations, but that was it. And this whole time i been sayin how id prolly be fine w meetin old gurls n wat not, but truth is its hard...and apparently my pride is stronger than i thought. The feelin of "this hefa needs to know the business and RESPECT IT" tries to pop up..ok...i lied...it DOES pop up...and YES i feel childish in even ever thinkin that but i gotta be real cuz saturday proved to me that it does. And I been prayin like crazy ever since hahaha. First of all, I know for a FACT that maurice loves no one but me and the thought of other gurls nauseates him just like the thought of other guys makes me wanna vomit (EEW)...and i dont know whether it's a female thing or just a jessi thing but regardless of how faithful, loyal, loving, adoring, honest, etc reese is i couldnt stop focusing on wat, at one point was. I could see the pain in reese's eyes when id look at him cuz he knew exactly the thoughts that were permeating my mind and it pained me too bc i dont WANT to think those things...i dont WANT the past to hurt...just like i dont want MY past to hurt him and yet i know at times it does...Man, and that's a whole different ball game...here i am all types of flustered and almost feelin haunted and this is only one gurl i met. Maurice has met 3 guys from my past (rangin from little infatuation to more) and while i hav always appreciated him for bein so kind upfront i know that his heart hurts, too. And to top it all off, I'm still EXTREMELY close to one of their families, im still rather good friends with another, AND i have a child from a past relationship. If the tables were turned and i had to deal with wat he does id prolly go crazy...id have to fight like crazy against all those thoughts from the evil one that try n make u lose focus on the GREAT thing God has given u...Now my stomach is twisting thinkin about all that must haunt him. We've talked about this issue before...actually on several occassions...because it's such a hard pill to swallow. In the beginning we were both like "oh watever ur past is ur past" and then, as we continued to grow closer and closer, the past was NOT just the past...it hurt. It's not like we we're angry at each other for our pasts and we both realize that without our pasts we wouldnt be all that we are today (every person and situation helps mold)...but sometimes i just wish there was never any female before me...and there was no other male before him. It'd make things so much easier! GEEZ! For the most part, we're good...thru prayer and talkin about stuff we hav healed alot of pains that were bound to hurt when we began to grow together as close as we did and continue to do...apparently i still have some healing that needs to take place tho. Do me a favor and pray for me, yeah? Much appreciated :) And pray for reese, too...that those things that occassionaly may haunt him be healed so that we can let go of the hurt associated w eachothers' past and focus on the gift we have now. Oh and if u hav one of the men in black memory erasers that can selectively erase certain things dont be stingy...hit me up! lol

For any of yas who havent found "THE one" yet...please be careful and be HESITANT before u give urself (physically, mentally, spiritually) to another..it may seem meaningless and trivial now..but our bodies are temples...and a few years ago i woulda said "yea yea yea i know" and then wouldnt hav taken that to heart but TRULY..i cant emphasize it enough..YOU in entirety are God's temple..and God DOES have someone for you to love and be your best friend thru thick and thin for the rest of ur life...just be patient...dont waste ur time on those "relationships" u know arent "IT"...and remember that one day u will have that love/relationship that God intended us to have and share...and you will be bringin ALLLLLLLLLLLLL of you to the table...so think carefully of ur actions/decisions bc they WILL come to light...and as trivial as they may seem to u now...they have the potential to haunt the person you love so much...the person ud lay down ur life for...and there'll be NOTHING u can personally do to keep those past decisions from haunting and bringin pain to ur loved one's heart and mind...do YOUR temple and your future REAL DEAL a favor and make wise decisions now in hopes that your love wont be haunted by the past. Yes, it can be worked thru n make u stronger...but take it from me...i wish it was never a battlefield created...

Hopefully, if i ever run into Turkey* or some other past girl again i handle my thoughts better and i am stronger...realizing that NOTHING..nothing from the past..present...or future..is stronger than wat maurice and i share...thus, no need stressin or havin negative thoughts...leave the past where it belongs (healed and IN THE STINKIN PAST trailin in my farts! did i go too far? i apologize lol). Apparently, im still a work in progress (GEEZ God cant u just make me perfect?!?! haha), but im tryin...and full healing will come in time...I'm so thankful for the love I have been blessed with...and I wish I could've come to him n been able to say "I've saved my entire being for you" and i wish he could've said the same...I wish we woulda met at like..15 and then had been together ever since hahaha...then there'd be no other infiltrating past figures! lol. How ideal right? Anyhoots! No where to go but FORWARD! As we have been doin for the majority...just occassionally people like TURKEY come along n make work a little harder to keep goin forward..but gosh darn it VICTORIOUS WE WILL RISE! ok...im gettin to be too much again...love yourself..love others..love God...and make ur relationship decisions so that, when that day comes, u dont have to hav u or ur beloved find themselves in an encounter with TURKEY*! (i know, i know..prophetic right?lol ) I hope u get the message...and i hope it marinades like a well seasoned steak.

I love my cellulite..

That's right. You didn't misread the title. I LOVE MY CELLULITE. And yes, I HAVE CELLULITE! I realize I weigh a whopping 122 lbs and thanks to my length my little-ness if emphasized, but TRUST..i got cellulite...Location: my once prized possessions...my legs. More so on the posterior side, but it is scattered throughout. I stressed about it quite alot for a while...and occassionally when I sit down on a firm surface I get a little bummed that the cottage cheese from my squished thighs is lookin right at me. I particularly find myself noticing it and dislikin it more when I haven't worked out in a few days or when I've been eating real bad. I think my general feelin of BLAH just makes me notice my undesirable traits a little more. I feel like most people, particularly females, can relate.

For the most part, tho, I really don't mind it! Well..I've LEARNED not to mind it...and I'm n the process of lovin it cuz it doesn't matter how much I work out or eat right I don't think it's gonna go anywhere thanks to genetics, and the lovely and stubborn composition of cellulite. Reesaferd has helped me alot in learnin to love it ,too...i think he's just blinded by love cuz he says he loves my legs and thinks they are perfect...cellulite and all...he also says he can barely see it. I wish I saw what he saw. lol. And actually, that's what I'm starting to do...seeing myself the way He sees me and the way God sees me. Maurice sees my body as entirely flawless...and often when I complain about little things here and there he says to me, "I wish you could see what I see" or "I wish you loved your body the way I do" ...that really hit me hard...cuz he genuinely loves every stinkin ounce of me, and he looks at me as if i have absolutely no flaws...and at first i thought he was just sayin it to be a good boyfriend (ps. he gets REALLY made at me when i say that to him cuz it offends him) but i honestly think he sees no flaws. I started thinkin about it all, and I changed the scenario around and realized that i GENUINELY see absolutely nothing in his body that id wanna tweek or change (such a stud man! lol) so why do i think hes incapable of seein no flaws in me? And why do i have to see the unchangable things about my body as flaws?

The majority of the time I love my body...of course there's times where I play the "what if i had a little more here or a little more there or tweek this a little bit" game, but 97% of the time I truly love my body...for its appearance and for its health! And since my battle since bein preggo is my cellulite i figure i should start lovin that, too. I'm still the same person regardless of what's growing on my backside or any other seemingly undesirable changes my body finds itself doin as I get older (DUH, I know I'm still young..but my body is DEF not wat it was in high school folks!)...and I love who I am...so I need to love what i look like, too...flaws and all!! So this started my "i love my cellulite" kick. I don't care if it sounds like a self-help gig cuz if it makes me more comfortable with it then right on! lol. I've also been more consistent with workin out aka gettin buff (lol) for a while so that makes me FEEL so much better! And if positive changes are the result then i shall accept those changes with open arms..lol. In the mean time, I'm gonna work these long, muscular, yet cellulitey legs like there's no tomorrow! Some 90-something percet of women are experiencin the same thing in some form (cellulite tends to have an affinity to women..how blessed are we) so I am not alone! I hope I'm also not alone in the strive to love it...and to love that "perfectly" created body is...We women can be so hard on ourselves sometime...and it's such a shame cuz if we weren't such hard critics on ourselves we'd prolly find a lot of happiness in lovin our bodies and seeing our bodies the way someone else does (unless that someone else is a mean douche-bag whose opinion doesnt matter anyway..those kind of people happen unfortunately..lol). Oh yea, and SCREW what the media says women are supposed to look like...let's all take the Dove commerical approach yeah? haha...Empower yourselves women...you are beautiful...and we don't give ourselves enough credit...love yourself...and if you find yourself in a similar situation as me...love your cellulite, too...just dont forget to be healthy, too!

Matthew 5: 43-48

Matthew 5:43-48 Love for Enemies "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I'm struggling with my worldly thoughts. I have VERY few people that I can say I don't like enough to not handle being around...very few as in...one. There's some other people I'd rather not be around, but I can stand it for short periods of time...just one that I'd be fine to never run into again...ok, maybe 2. One guy. One girl.

I do my best to kinda feel people out and not spending large amounts of time around people that I see potentially bringin out certain feelings/emotions/reactions in me that I'd rather not exhibit but are hard to suppress given the provoker. I don't like to get frustrated or angry at people, and I don't like when it's easier for me see the weaknesses of an individual than to see their strengths. EVERYONE has their strengths and weaknesses. EVERYONE has the potential of getting on someone else’s nerves and not EVERYONE is liked by EVERYONE. And there’s nothing wrong with any of that. It’s reality. Often times we seem to surround ourselves with others who share common traits/likes/dislikes/lifestyles/etc because it’s easier to be with others like us. I don’t see there being a problem with that as long as we don’t discriminate and entirely shut out anyone who ISN’T like us.

I like surrounding myself with a good mixture of people..i like hearing different perspectives..i like a little challenge to help me grow..but I also like my close friends who I truly believe we have similar DNA bc we are so similar in so many ways and just the right differences that compliment each other. The reason I have VERY VERY few people on my “UGHHHH don’t like” list is because I choose not to focus on people’s flaws..I find the things I love about them and I focus on that. Often times I’ll recognize the things I don’t like so much about the person and then I’ll question myself as to why I don’t like those traits..i try and see why certain things bother me and then I try and adjust myself and pray for personal growth/patience/change if it’s more of a personal problem that is keeping me from growin deeper with that person…OR if I find that the traits are just principle issues that I don’t respect or like then I simply try and distance myself JUST ENOUGH to still be friends with that person while not letting those certain traits get under my skin. I am all too aware of my own weaknesses and I’m sure there’s plenty of people who limit their time around me bc maybe those weaknesses are the most annoying those possible to someone else…and that’s totally fine. I realize I’m not perfect and I don’t expect everyone to be my “best friend”…all I want is for people to love me enough to pray for me and to hopefully see the Christ in me and the good in me. I know who I am, I know my flaws and I know my strengths…and I love me. Flaws and all! Haha.

So, back to my philosophy on friends. I really do *love* people in general…flaws and all…I just realize that certain characteristics in individuals works my nerves more than others and, thus, I try and remove myself temporarily from that person/provoking characteristic so that I can continue to focus on the good and not get taken over by my worldly agitation and lack of patience. I try to be patient, I REALLY DO! And I think I do a darn good job at it…even when Im EXTRA irritated I think I do a really good job of removing myself from the situation, clarifying my thoughts, calming down, and THEN addressing the issue in a loving and rationale way…the majority of the time this is how I handle things…but every now and then I have a hard time and I just get irritated!

This “every now and then” moment happened within this past year…I was SO patient and prayed and prayed and prayed that God would help me focus on the positives in this individual and continue to love her and take away my rather intense frustration towards her. I def think the prayers helped bc a few years ago when I just said what’s on my mind IMMEDIATELY when I thought of it in the heat of anger I woulda gone CRAZY and unleashed every last one of my thoughts and frustrations in a less than Christian manner. Now, I handle things SO much better…but it aint easy…oooooohhhh no it aint easy. Especially when the person keeps workin their way under my skin persistently. So, I kept praying for peace in my mind, patience with this girl, and I prayed that I’d be understanding…try and understand why she is the way she is so then MAYBE it’d be easier to deal knowing her story. Eventually, I blew up…I apologized afterwards and I genuinely meant it (I meant EVERYTHING I said, but not the manner in which I said it), but I def blew up. And even after tryin to reconcile things she just erked me entirely. And she still does to this day. We don’t speak…we don’t see each other…and we haven’t since we haven’t had to. For the most part, this has been FINE AND DANDY with me…I’m not frustrated all the time and im much more at peace without all that drama and extra-ness…BUT, I started to get concerned with my comfort in never seeing her and my enjoyment in not having the engage with her entirely after matthew 5:43-48 began to marinade. I had heard it before, but for some reason it was marinading now…here I am tryin to grow in my faith, in love, in Christ, and yet I cringe when I see her name on facebook and when her name pops up I’m thinking “I hope she’s doin well but GEEZ im so happy I don’t got to be around her”…how sad, right? I mean, like I said earlier…im not goin to like everyone enough to hang around all the time and THAT’S OK..but to cringe when I first hear/see her name and then rejoice that she is far removed from my life is just sad…and far from what Christ would want of me. Being a Christian isn’t easy dag-gone it…sometimes I just wanna not like someone and remove them entirely from my mind and be happy bc of it…I mean, for real..DO I REAALLLLYYYY gotta love her? God tells me yes. And my heart tells me yes. My mind just says HELL NO! RUN AWAY!!! Hahaha…it’s been an unsettling issue in my spirit for a while now…but I REALLY don’t want to talk to her and that’s what I feel like im bein led to do..i don’t even know what id say tho?!? I still feel the same about her…there are certain things I just cant tolerate and she possesses those things and I don’t see any desire in her to change that…its like its embedded in her..i suppose I could start focusing on her strengths more…cuz she has plenty…shes not like the worst person in the entire world...no where near it.. but its like all I can focus on when I hear her name is the things that erk me…and that’s not fair to her and im carryin unnecessary baggage…

“…He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?...” à YIKERS! That hurts…I KNOW that God wants me to love, ESPECIALLY those that are difficult to love…he clearly states it…and it makes sense…what’s so honorable and great about loving those who are easy to love? Nada…zip…zilch. It’s just so hard…my worldliness butts in and just makes this living Christian thing quick the challenge…but I know it’s all worth it. And my reward in heaven is so much greater than gratification here on earth…its just hard…

God, encourage me to be more like you…help give me the strength to grow in love and enrich my spirit and set aside my pride and the desire to live comfortably so that I can live more with you and live in the peace and love that only you can give. Help me renew relationships that are broken. Help me to see the good in people as I hope others will see the good in me regardless of my flaws. Give me patience and peace that surpasses all understanding. Help me to be more like you…humble me…forgive me for faults/thoughts/words…renew in me a new spirit. And please bless those I have lacked in blessing. You have the power to change my thoughts and my heart…make me more like you Lord.

Sometimes I think it'd be easier to be bald....

For the longest time I have had semi-long hair...the longest layer has tended to hang around right above my humble little ladies and ive essentially been battling damaged hair forever..i think when i hit middle school i started thinkin i should "do" my hair and that meant blow-drying and straightening...i think my hair could somewhat handle it at that stage, but after years of forcing my naturally wavy/curly hair to be what it is not my hair rebelled and decided to just dry up, abound with split ends, and adopt a not-so-soft texture...not cute. THEN, i started the phase of my life where i actually embraced my hair al naturale and let it stay curly. Throw in a little product, scrunch a bit, and WAH-LAH! Then i decided to self-color it...one of the many poor decisions i made in high school. First of all, I'd like to take this moment to re-live the, initially, purple hair as dilley and chels tell me "Oh it looks so cute!" Hefas. Wasn't nothin cute about it. lol. EVENTUALLY it was tho..once the color faded into more of a light brownish. Another time I died my hair red...which i dont think looked bad but it was no "EUREKA!" fabulous look for me neither. Regardless of what the color looked like, my hair was FRIED after the hair dying episodes. So, I began the journey towards healthy hair...tryin to get it trimmed semi-often, not coloring it anymore, and trying to avoid the flat iron. THEN my face acted a hot mess, I ended up taking Accutane for my skin "issues" and let me tell ya what Accutane's main mechanism of action is...it completely shuts off ALL sebaceous glands...ALL...not just to your face, but to those lovely hair follicles as well soooooo i essentially had NO OIL/NO MOISTURE goin to my face nor my lovely locks...therefore, my hair was breaking off...and fast. The ends of my hair, no matter what i did, were a hot mess...at all times. Wearing my hair curly made it less noticeable but the damage was still done. So since then ive been tryna rebuild this head of hair of mine. Everytime i went to get it "trimmed" my hair stylist would have to take off like 1.5 inches in order to clean up the ends somewhat while still keepin my hair long...to completely get rid of the damage i would've had to cut my hair probably up to my shoulders..something I was unwilling to do. NOW, after much much time of not using a blow dryer/flat iron/heat in general/color my hair is rather long, the majority of it is soft, and the ratio of split ends : intact hair strands has greatly decreased. Below are 2 pics of my hair as of today..the first one shows a better all around pic and the second one i think documents the healthiness of my hair the best..No fly-aways, lovely and sleek with no effort other than waiting for my hair to dry on its own..how convenient

So, naturally, now that my hair is long and for the most part healthy I am considering a hair change...not because i dont like my hair but i think i just want to change things up. Since it's taken 9.2 thousand years to get my hair this long AND healthy at the same time i am rather hesitant to cut it off in fear that the process of growin my hair out healthy again wont be finished until my hair has naturally turned grey...lol. BUT i think id look very sexy and sophisticated with a shoulder length bob (and i have a board of judges who agree) or some style around that length maybe a little shorter..and it'd be a nice change...but i think im more into the IDEA of it then the actually choppin it off idea..ummm PS. just looked up at the muted TV only to see some actress in a tank top, obviously bra-less, and RATHER cold...being that she practically filled the entire 46inch screen it was very hard to see any other than her boobies screaming for a bra to hug them...ok, sorry..that just really caught me off guard...back to my hair. OH WAIT! just looked up again and now there's detectives around her and shes lying face down (thank ya jesus) on a couch lookin rather lifeless...what am i watching? haha. Ok for real tho..back to my hair...SOOOO a part of me wants change, but i think the majority of me is too chicken to do it. Plus, i really like my hair...its unbelievably easy to do (take a shower..wrap it up in a towel...and either go to bed or just take the towel down after a bit and let it continue to dry on its own..) and i love my natural waves/curls and the length. If my hair doesnt dry the way i want it to, I just pull it back. It's so stress-free its ridiculous...my kind of hairstyle...LOW MAINTENANCE! But still lovely :) In regards to coloring my hair to change it up im just really hesitant bc of how sensitive my hair is to unnatural applications..plus, my hair has basically dyed itself! Somehow i used to be a golden blonde and mainly throughout my 4 years at Xavier did my hair pull a Optimus Prime and transform on me! For the majority of my life i been a golden blonde...now my hair is quite a few shades darker and it has a reddish/bronzish base to it...still got the natural highlights tho! I really like my hair color the way it is, too...so i wouldnt really wanna do too much changin it up...just maybe some more drastic highlights/lowlights..maybe some caramel or honey color? But then if i do that am i gonna ruin everything ive worked for!?!?! Is cutting my hair gonna be fabulous at first and then am i just gonna look back on pics of my lengthy locks in lustful longing?!?! OH THE DECISIONS!!! Can't i just have a personal stylist here at my beck and call to style my long hair differently every week so i dont hav to use my energy on it...or to cut my hair and make it super cute but then put in extensions when im sick of the short hair? Should I just go BALD?!?! I mean to be honest i dont got THAT bad of a head shape..other than the fact that i have a flat spot at the crown of my head and there's a good possibility my head will look a little grande without hair...and my strong chin will prolly look much stronger without some length to soften it...but it prolly wouldnt be too hard to make my bald head a shiny superstar tho!! haha...I am thankful for my long hair tho...its not the thickest but i got plenty of it...doesnt always do wat i want but it has its super fabulous moments and it keeps me warm like a natural scarf...and i think it fits me..i dont like spending too much time on my hair or make up so i typically dont do much with either of these categories and bein that my hair is low low maintenance (except for how long it takes to get all the nappies untangled with conditioner in the shower) it works for me! Also, the more and more i let it be watever it wants to be i seem to think it fits me more and more..sooooo who knows if im ever actually gona change anything with this head of hair of mine...i just hope that if anything ever does change its cuz i CHOSE to change it and its not due to some out-of-my hands reason...For now, i think ill just go get this head of hair of mine trimmed up soon...we'll see if anything else follows...

From sleep to babies...

I *LOVE* SLEEP! and i love my body feelin well-rested (which doesn't happen often because my body is VERY finnicky and requires routine and a minimum of a solid 7 hours of sleep to feel well-rested)...since adjusting to workin nights I have been sleepin fine and dandy during the day, but on my days off i get totally thrown off bc either i continue to sleep during the day and stay up all night and dont get to see many people or do much since the world is essentially unavailable at those hours, OR i tweak my schedule to accomodate "normal living" which, in turn, sends my body into rage leaving me extremely fatigued, head throbbing, and reesaferd typically gets spurts of a cranky attitude...so uncool on so many levels...

TODAY, I'm actually doin ok so far..i worked mon-tues-wednesday night and then is stayed up ALL day thursday and then finally went to sleep at 830 last night..When I woke up this morning at 930 i felt ok..decently well-rested and my headache is only mild for the time being...I'm excited bc I actually got to watch Ellen, eat breakfast when normal people do, and I'm sitting in my living room and I actually have natural light brightening the apt! *Fabulous* I'm plannin on running some errands (the dreaded grocery store visit followed by trips to different stores lookin for more ideas for decorating the apartment and then workin out). Exercising is QUITE the chore since I been working nights bc the gym closes when im awake at night and want to go work out so either i dont work out or i have to sacrifice sleep. And it's not like I can just go for a run outside at 3am...probably not the safest. I'll do some exercises around the house, but it gets old feelin locked up inside the house all the time...sometimes I'll sit out on the patio with my lovely decorations and just bundle up and sit and stare at the lovely dark scenery that engulfs me. Gotta get fresh air somehow! I switch back to day shift November 16 which excites me bc then my days off will actually feel like days off, but I'm kinda nervous cuz i SUCK at getting up in the morning...it's weird...I'll get the SAME amt of sleep thru the night as i do during the day when i work night shift but for some reason i wake up so much easier at 6pm versus 6am...6am just isnt natural...but then again workin night shift isnt either sooooo im screwed. HaHa! Gotta that make that money and save lives so i guess sacrifices must be made..lol. I got my cycle for when I'm out of orientation and on my own and it's pretty sweet...i have 2 different times thru my 6 wk cycle where i could take 5 days of PTO and essentially have 16 days off in a row...now that's just fantabulous! That's 2 vacations right there! I really like how children's has a cycle, too, bc i can essentially know everyday im workin for the entire year! I know that's nothing new to you mon-fri workers but thats not the case for us hospital peoples! There's no "I work every mon, tues, and thursday" for us...it changes mostly every week...so I LOVE knowing which days i work in my 6wk cycle and then can plan accodingly since my cycle just plunks out thru the year! I'm plannin on pickin up OT tho once im out of orientation...got big plans that require moolah! haha... I'm nervous about rotating nights/days tho...I'm prayin my body can handle it bc I really like having days OFF and I really only get that workin days it feels like..also, i like both the atmosphere of day shift AND night shift so I hope to be able to do both...if i cant...night shift is the only option since there aren't any straight day shift positions available sooooo thats how im livin at the bottom of the todem (spelling?) pole!

NEXT subject-->SO my apartment is lookin more and more like a *home* Reesaferd and I have done some painting, bought a beautiful bed set, and now I'm workin on some lovely decor to give that homey touch...it just takes me a while haha...as of now the house looks like it's trying really hard at lookin complete but still has a few more miles to the finish line. What sucks about all this is that our lease is up at the end of May and if we have the money for a house we are DEF moving! Also, if reese gets a job in indy we will obviously not be renewing our lease...regardless of all this i really want to keep decorating...it just makes the place really feel like home instead of a basic floorplan that holds our furniture. I REALLY can't wait to have our own house to decorate...it must be nice knowin the time and effort into makin the house feel homey will LAST for a while...but that's just not the chapter in life we're livin yet! All in due time...

SPEAKING of "chapter's in life"...i been getting more and more nervous about having kids...Now, have no doubt there are no plans for lil baybays anytime soon for reese and i but eventually there will be and sometimes i really worry...Not bc i dont think reese and i will be great parents...thats not an issue at all...and im not worried about the finances of havin a family consisting of more than reese and i bc the God will provide...what makes me nervous is the health of our children..I'm surrounded by parents who got pregnant and the entire pregnancy never even thought that their baby wouldn't come out "perfect" like most parents think in blissful ignorance...when you're pregnant there's so much focus on the excitement, and thoughts of how beautiful and perfect the baby will be...the only worries are usually the lack of sleep...but "oh no, what if my baby is born with a heart defect and will require open heart surgery within days of being born followed by more surgeries to come, and the possibility that he/she won't make it"...when you aren't around sick kids all the time you don't think "oh geez, yea my baby looks perfect in health NOW but what if in a year he/she develops neuroblastoma or some other cancer?" I really HATE to be debby downer, but this is what i see...i see families sitting next to their newborn unable to be held, intubated, open chested, and sustained by surgical intervention and many drugs...when I went to the PICU to observe for a night I heard stories of perfectly healthy kids who have lived perfectly healthy lives up until 17 when suddenly they were diagnosed by cancer and then pass a year later...I see the hearts of families sitting on their shoulders, and I see beautiful little babies and kids sicker then any little innocent child should be and their parents waiting with hope that soon they will be able to take their little ones home...Don't get me twisted here, I'm am all to aware that the majority of kids ARE healthy and DO make it to adulthood just like you and I have and I'm also aware that many of the kids we see and treat DO go home with mom and dad and MAN DOES THAT FEEL GOOD! But what gets to me is the thought of my baby being born sick...or living a normal child life and then suddenly we're living a whole new story...it absolutely scares the mess out of me...When I was pregnant with Tori (Jaliyah) I had NO WORRIES other than maintaining good grades and avoiding the seemingly unavoidable drama of you know who..I made sure to eat healthy and wat not but NEVER did i even consider the fact that she wouldn't be born perfect...10 fingers and 10 toes..a heart that beats strong and effectively, lungs that breathe life into her, and all the other organs that do as they were intended to...Now I feel like maurice and i are gonna get pregnant and im gonna be worried about EVERYTHING! I'm gonna make the ultrasound tech do a THOROUGH 2 hour exam of our growing little one to make sure everything is as should! AND im gonna request this lengthy exam Q2weeks!! hahaha...What keeps me sane and stops my worrying is knowing that God is good...and that HE is in control if i let Him be...and he wants all of His children to prosper...I know that I have NO control over whether my babies have heart defects or end up with cancer..I simply have no idea what the future holds...At the end of the day knowing that God is a GOOD God and a LOVING God and a HEALING God gives me peace...but my humanly thoughts often get in the way and it's hard not to question why God allows the things he does...and why can't all babies make it to adulthood? And why can't all adults live long healthy lives...especially when they took the time to actually care for their health...I just pray God will continue to prepare my heart and my mind so that when things don't go my way I will be able to face the changes with His strength and love...There's no way I'd NOT have kids just bc of my worries for them...But sometimes, seein what i see and knowing what i know, it's hard not to worry and, at times, think of the worst case scenario...Gotta keep makin my strides and allowing God to build and fill me up... and when life takes a difficult turn i hope i can remember to let HIS will be done...

WOW, this blog ended up kind of sad!!! Sad, but hopeful I guess...hope will always exist where God does! Ok...gotta spend this day wisely now that im actually awake for it! God is good...love is great...and omelets are a fabulous start to the day!!

Happy 1st day of NOVEMBER!

Can't believe it's November already! I felt like it was just yesterday I was having a persistent heart attack while studying for state boards! Now I've officially been an RN for 4 months! And it seems like Reesaferd just left to go back to school from summer break, and now he only has 45 more days til he is back **FOR GOOD**!! I'm uber excited but it hasn't fully set in yet. Basically for the past 2.5 years our relationship has been months of distance with periodic "home breaks" so I'm used to him comin home but then havin to go back...I can't wait for him to move all his stuff back and settle in at home where he belongs :) We have talked alot about our distance relationship and even though both of us would've LOVED to have been to reach out and touch each other at any given moment we see that, once again, God's way is the best way! While I do think that both of us are such good communicators that our communication would be good regardless, but we truly are SO THANKFUL for God pushing the *hold button* and creating the physical distance bw us bc we were literally forced to build a relationship on friendship, open communication, and trust. It gave us a chance to see how strong we are as a couple...while we KNOW life will provide us with plenty of other trials, we feel like these first few years hav been a trial in itself and we have done so well and hav only grown stronger in and with one another so its encouraging...I'm not gona lie tho, there were plenty of days where all i could do is play the poor old jessi show and envy those who had their loved ones w them at the drop of a dime ...and sometimes i got frustrated thinkin "God, we have a love rooted in you and a love that's genuine and true WHY must you keep us apart?" but im so thankful God knows better than me :) Me with all my issues...all my doubts that i used to hav in relationships ...w all my insecurities and in denial that i could hav a man who genuinely loves me for ALL that i am-the strong aspects of me and the parts of me that are weaker n a bit annoying even to me! lol ... But i truly believe that by seeing his persistent faithfulness and unstaggering focus on US and doing whatever he can for us and our growth even in our distance I have lost all doubt, all second guessing, all uncertainty. This man and what we have been so blessed to have and live don't go a day without moments of amazement...My growth individually and my growth in relationship have evolved beyond wat i ever couldve imagined...I see myself more and more becoming the person God designed me to be...and I'm lovin this person so much more than that crazy chic i was lettin myself become years ago...can I get an AMEN for deliverance! My naptown girls can testify to my growth i think the most hahaha. Anyhoots...ALL SMILES for the permanent return of my Mr. !!

We've been talkin alot about plans for when he's back...especially where we are gonna live and where he's goin to work. We'd like to stay in Cincinnati for several reasons: (a) his family is here and we both hav good friends here (b) we LOVE our church, Crossroads, and are biased in the belief that no other church is better haha (c) i LOVE my job at children's and dont want to leave! and (d) i love our relationship with my relatives and being a part of my cousins' lives and i wouldn't be able to be as involved if we moved back to indy (e) i kind of sorta LOVE sittin on the serpentine wall on the river and walkin thru the park and throwin football on the greenspace there on the river...such a place of peace for me. For now, Maurice is just going to apply at places in both Cincinnati and Indy and wherever he lands a good job that he can see himself enjoyin we will most likely end up. While there a definite reasons as to why I and we would like to stay here in cincy i OBVIOUSLY wouldnt mind movin back to Indy!! Love my friends, love my family, plenty of hospitals including 2 children's hospitals, and i just love the city of Indy...it'd be kind of crazy tho cuz now Chels and her familio will b movin closer to Cincinnati so we'd kind of be flip floppin when in reality we were born to be neighbors hahahaha. Another thing ive grown to love about cincinnati is the opportunity for growth and change that NEEDS to happen in this city...there are so many areas that need a little extra love, concern, and helpin hands...but then again every city has it's fair share of the need for TLC. BUT as of now we gots NO IDEAR as to wat we'll be doin cuz maurice needs to graduate first and find him a j-o-b! haha...im sure we'll end up exactly where we're meant to be so i suppose i should just let that be!!

Sooooo it's 11:30 (2330 lol) and im something ridiculously tired but i GOT to stay up til at least 3 or 4 (preferably later tho) so that i can sleep all day tomorrow and be ready for 12 hours of work tomorrow night! My body and sleep schedule thrive on routine and working 3 nights of the week and then tryin to be "normal" on the off days so to spend time w family/friends doesnt really do anything for a body that thrives on routine...very unfortunate situation at times lol...I like workin night shift for several reasons, but the main drawback is days off bc they throw me off instead of rejuvenate me and it kinda sux that i miss daylight on the regular haha...i have found that sleep is HANDS DOWN more important tho! Good thing Krogers is 24 hours....gives me something to do at night when im awake and the rest of the world is konked...I'll be out of orientation beginning of January and then I'll start rotating 3wks days 3wks nights soooo well see how that goes! I really like workin dayshift cuz there are most post-ops, i like the people, and it gets really busy with events that dont really happen on night shift...but i like workin night shift cuz i like the people who works nights as well, the slowed down environment is a breath of fresh air, and i have more time to process everything esp my patient's diagnosis and all that is involved in their care/status....but regardless of whether it's day or night the kids are just as sick and in need of a close eye and constant care...i hope rotating works bc i like both day and night shift...i just dont know if my body will be able to do it. And if it can't, my only other option is working straight nights because there aren't any positions open for straight days. We shall cross that bridge when we get there tho! For now i just gotta keep focusin on gettin better and better and learning all that i can so i can be the best nurse i can be (enter a big cheesy smile and a tacky thumbs up) ! haha...i keep remindin myself "one day at a time jessi...one day at a time"...unfortunately i cant work 4 months and hav the same beastlyness and knowledge of the nurses who have been there for 5+ years..such a shame...haha...Love what i do tho...love my babies...and i keep takin steps back to make sure im lovin the journey...this has been Nurse Jessi...OUT. oh wait PS. GO COLTS!!! 7-0 baby!!! LOVE my colts!! GO BLUE!!! :)