Ok. So I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything here. I'll admit it. I got some serious pride. Now granted I don't have pride when it comes to much but when I do have it BOY I got a hard time controllin it. And BOY does it bite me in the butt.
Exhibit A
So Reese, Nicole, Jeremy, and I are all hangin out at the apt right. Jeremy and Reese went for a run. Nicole and I chilled at the apt after I got home from work, and then I started workin on Reese's stocking again. Jeremy and Reese went and tossed football (i had to sit this one out...I think im gettin a cold...booooo) so I stayed plopped on the couch workin on the stocking and then i decided to be nice and make dinner for everyone (dont get excited..im not betty crocker...i made hamburger helper beef stroganuff...nuthin exciting...although it is QUITE delicious if i do say so myself! Made with that quality L-O-V-E! lol) Anyhoots...So reese and jeremy finally arrive at the apt. We eat dinner. We then precede to watching "Four Christmases" (FABO movie...def recommend to thou art fellow movie viewers). I ate some pudding. It was a nice night. But then Reese had the world's smartest idea that we'd all play a game. We were gonna play Catch-a-Phrase. Sooooo just for a little el historio about catch-a-phrase read on...the last time reese and i played catch-a-phrase together as a team we got a little rambunctious. Now when I say "we" i mean "ME". So what? I got a little loud and was KINDA yelling bc he couldnt figure out the word i was trying to get him to say even with my OBVIOUSLY amazing and perfect (DUH) clues and gestures...it was all in good fun tho! I really wasn't bein competitive that night! But that was when the competition was sensed radiating from him...it smelled like old bologna...and i didnt like it. From that night on the innate drive to be the #1 competitor came out in him and ever since then ive had a hard time playin any games with him. And not even bc hes acting competitive...but bc i know that ,whether he shows it or not, he HATES to lose and he LOVES to win...and i dont like when others get pleasure out of me losing...is that childish? Most definitely. Is that pride? At it's best. Or would it be at it's worst? I dunno...it's pride tho and thats the point im tryna make. I really don't mind admitting if im wrong, if i am defeated, etc for the most part...i am EXTREMELY in tune with the fact that i am OFTEN wrong (and ill admit it when i am wrong...even if its diffifult to state sometimes) and i am often defeated in games/sports/etc cuz welp...ya win some ya lose some. And sometimes I tolerate that fine...and wellllll sometimes i dont...it's just the way it goes. I do try my best and bow out gracefully but sometimes i have a harder time than others...Ok so before i start rambling im gonna go back to tonight and catch-a-phrase.
So Reese and I are on the same team right? And wat's crazy is just PLAYING the game with him got me all into it and competitive...its terrible...i hate admitting this...i was so weak to my competitive drive tonight. And for real...i MEAN IT when i say im really not competitive...i just have to add "for the most part" at the end of that statement as a caveat. lol. Soooo after a few rounds of playing the competitor in me was growing tired. All i could hear was the rapidly sounding buzzer waiting to go off and all i wanted to do was win...but i could careless if reese and i beat nicole and jeremy...i just wanted to prove that i was really good at both being the guesser AND being the person to act out and lead reese to the answer...it all boiled down to competition against HIM. And not even bc he was being his full blown competitive self tonite...in fact he was obviously trying really hard to not be competitive cuz he knows how i dont like it when he gets that way with me cuz of wat it brings out in me...competitiveness and frustration...so essentially he was bein Mr. Boyfriend of the Year (as he usually is...i def got a good one :) ) and it didnt matter to me the effort he was tryna make to change his inner competitor around me bc of how he knows it makes me feel...it was too late...thru my eyes all i saw was a ferocious competitor hoping to defeat me (remember...we are on the same team....) Now just to ADD in there....he def was competing against me (his teammate) to be the best guesser and the best actor/clue-giver person but i really have a feelin that it was ME this time creating the competition. How sad. BAD JESSI! So I have the little word saucer thing and the phrase was "bait and tackle" so i had to get him to say that...he was having a RATHER difficult time with the word "tackle" which is ridiculous bc a few rounds before i had the phrase "fishing tackle" to act out and he got it but this time i did the SAME gesture and said the SAME thing and he couldnt get the world TACKLE!! In sheer frustration i began to switch it up cuz he clearly wasnt gettin it...so i thought id talk sports to him (quick interjection...ladies...if u cant get thru to your husbands/boyfriends/brothers etc...talk sports or somehow relate it to sports and theyll get it)...i began to describe football and how if he has the ball id run after him and try to tackle him...SO in my fervency i began to run towards his middle section to imitate a TACKLE. This is when the damage was done. The timing was perfect. I start goin in towards him and his elbow comes up and ever so conveniently elbows me in my forehead. Bone against bone. I fell back on the couch half laughing...half my pride was hurt cuz he i was tryna be the best competitor and i get elbowed in the freakin forehead by an elbow the size of my knee. Not cool guys. NOT COOL. So immediately i ask for ice...i asked nicely...i realized it wasnt his fault (ENTIRELY lol). He starts to make a baggy with ice cubes in it. NOT what i wouldve got for myself. So I asked why he didnt just hand me a bag of frozen food or something. I quickly realized that my pride had the potential of getting the best of me so i apologized and said watever is fine but that bump was just the beginning of my pride's attempt to run rampage all over reese and make him feel like as pathetic as an ant's christmas dinner. Thankfully i realized this inner deep and UNWANTED rage and did my best to just not talk at all or just be short cuz i knew wat i was unfortunately capable of saying (good thing im atleast wise enuf to recognize it and try and work thru it right?? come on people im not the worst person alive i promise!!). Anyhoots...reese sensed my shortness and my obvious frustration. I dont wear masks very well when it comes to sadness/frustration/anger sooooooo yeah. It happens. After he sensed my frustration he started up with Mr. Wonderful again. GOSH DARN IT MAURICE CANT U JUST BE A TOTAL DOUCHE SOMETIMES SO I DONT FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON ALIVE WHEN MY FLAWS ARE HOISTED ON THE WORLD'S TALLEST FLAGPOLE! And just to clarify i am NOT bein sarcastic when i say "he started up with mr wonderful again"...he truly is so unbelievably gentle, loving, and patient with me...yes he has his flaws but im tellin ya...right when he sense me frustrated/sad/angry/etc it seems like all he cares about me and making me feel better. He gets so genuinely concerned and he really feels bad if he knows hes a part of my temporary mood. You'd think id be ranting and raving about how awesome that is right? Well i AM...but gosh darn it when i realize IM being a complete DOUCHE and IM letting pride get the best of me and essentially I ALLOW MYSELF to be the mood i am in i dont wanna be loved and hav someone be patient with me cuz i SURE dont like myself when im like that so it makes it RATHER difficult to let myself be loved by another...especially the person who added to my initial spark!
For the rest of the game time I didn't like playing....reese wanted to play on jeremy's team cuz he thought theyd b better as a team so i was with nicole...and i kept playin...but i really had no desire...i really just wanted to be pathetic and go to bed. Dont judge me. lol. I knew that all i needed was time to unwind (blogging right now is really helping hahaha) and gather myself back together but then i didnt wanna be a total sore loser and let my pride get the best of me so i tried to unwind still out there with everyone else. I dont want to be a sore loser. I dont want to be a raging competitor against the man i love most. I dont want this rather LARGE bump on my forehead. I dont want to not be able to play games with reese (although its lookin like that might be the case hahaha). I dont want to be consumed with pride. I dont want to be an ugly person. I want to be naturally patient. I want to be able to play games with my ridiculously competitive boyfriend without getting overly competitive myself. I dont wanna stoop to the point of just nagging at him bc I feel helpless and dont know wat else I can do. But most importantly im unbelievably thankful i have a mister who loves me for my pretty and for my ugly. Who can occassionally unintentionally bring out my ugly but then back down when he sees my frustration and change his focus to repairing my hurt and frustrations. It sometimes makes me feel WORSE about myself when i already realize the ugly in the me and then he jumps in with all his prettiness but hey...there's times when the roles r switched and im havin a pretty me day and the best in him isnt shining. That's life. We got our good qualities that we love to love...and we got our EEWIE, SMELLY, NOT SO PLEASANT traits that we hate...but we still gotta look at the ugly in the mirror, too...and hopefully change that hiding "DANG U UGLY" that lies within us all into a beautiful swan. I like swans. I hope you like swans, too. SWAAAAAAAN! Ok for real tho...i really that wat came out in me tonight wasnt pretty...and unfortunately God thinks he's funny so he made me LOOK a little busted too as evidenced by the welt on my forehead. Very unfortunate. It wasn't funny initially...but its gettin funnier and funnier as i cool down and the real Jessi is comin back to fruit. AMEN ALLELUIAH!! If the lump is noticeable enough to take a pic tomorrow i will and ill post it for documenation that my pride and my ugly got the best of me.
In the mean time...Im gonna keep workin on changin all that inner ugly that hides out and pops up rather inconveniently so that future forehead injuries do not ensue...plus i like the pretty parts of jessi in comparison to the ugly parts. I love that all of the pretty and ugly put together make up ME but i sure do hope that the ugly one day just becomes part of the segment of my journey called the PAST. I'd like it be something that made me stronger for realizing it, confronting it, and conquering it. Not something that mucks up my pretty.
Tonight I found myself in a battle with myself, pride, ugly, and all. And i lost. So now ill surrender and admit my defeat to my loverrrrrr. He probably already knows it's comin cuz once i gather myself together i always admit when im in the wrong...so im sure hes waiting on me to pour everything out, explain how i feel/felt, blah blah blah hahaha. I'm glad he cares enough to listen and love me tho. Glad I can get myself together enuf to realize i got a lot of pretty but darn it i got some ugly, too...and im glad i love myself enough to accept me for who i am but at the same time love myself enough to strive to be who i am intended to be. And im one lucky lady to have a God and a best friend to love me as well... ugly and all. I love him and his ugly, too. And I love me some God! But He's not ugly. He wins the prettiest of all pretty award. Show-off. lol.
Dear God,
i realize i was rather ugly tonight and i pray you hope transform all of that into something beautiful. I thank you for loving me even when im far from wat u created me to be and i thank you for putting people in my life to love me the way you love me. Furthermore, i pray your power of healing would be bestowed on my forehead thus to decrease the size of this lump. Amen.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Tis the season!!
Lovin the Christmas season! With Reesaferd back for the weekend andthe Christmas spirit a-brewin' there was a whole lot of christmas cheer spreadin thru our apartment! This was the first year I got to really get into decorating and this is the my first very own Christmas tree!! and reese's too!! And what excites me most is that this will be our first Christmas where he doesn't have a time limit home...when he comes back on the 16th he's back for GOOD! And hopefully he finds a job in cincinnati so he stays HERE! But that's a whole different story...back to Christmas!!!
We aren't really getting each other gifts this year because of money being tight..essentially all of his money is in savings and mine i feel like i never see hahaha...I just recently signed on the dotted line to start having 10% 
of my paycheck stashed away for retirement (crazy isnt it...retirement?!?! haha) AND i get money taken out each paycheck (pre-taxed which is sweet) to finish payin off my Lasik since I used a flexible spending account sooooo until i start pickin up overtime when im out of orientation my paychecks will continue to do their job but we def wont be playin the ballin santa clause! With every Christmas I get less and less focused on presents tho...dont get me wrong i love to give gifts but im in the process of thinkin up new ways to give instead of just
material gifts. The ideas are brewin but no final decisions yet...I'll continue to let alla that marinade and hopefully have a new way to bring Christmas cheer for next year! But for this year I don't have toooooo much shoppin to do...But still got PLENTY of christmas activities! What I'm lookin forward to MOST is the festival of lights + Polar Express in 4D!!! I've wanted to go to the festival of lights ever since i came to xavier but never been able to...freshman year i just outright missed it and the other 3 years i had known/been with maurice and i said id never go until i could go with him so this is our year!! I see commercials 
for it and get butterflies inside...nerdy? yes...do i care? negativo! I also cant wait for the annual Jesus party with my naptown ladies!!! LOVE. IT. and LOVE. THEM. Ok sooooo i cant concentrate anymore...desperate housewives is on...and there is all types of insanity happenin on here...when i first saw desperate housewives i was like "ummm NOT my kind of show"...now im kinda addicted n love it..i didnt like it cuz i thought it was all about white picket fences and irritatingly "pleasantville type" people but the more i watch it the more i love that it...there's always a good message it gives out and it cracks me up w all the normalcy aka craziness that goes on behind the pretty houses and 
attempts to be "perfect" cuz its SOOOOO true...unfortunately there's this idea of the stereotypical suburbia that has infected so many...this thought that with seclusion in a "nice area" with "nice houses" and "good people" (aka people who make good money) there should be no problems.. i say "poor people...they r SO confused about life in general" haha...eeeeeee shows back on...ol gurl stabbed herself in the stomach n shes tryna put the blame on her ex-hubster...crazy hefa...i feel bad for her tho..people who stoop that low r laying that low internally...so sad...ok bye...LOVE sittin here with our Christmas tree lighting the way! ps. our tree's name is Tondo (pronounced "tawn-doe) for no reason other than i just like the name Tondo..Let your light shine TONDO! and keep entertainin me desperate housewives!!! 
of my paycheck stashed away for retirement (crazy isnt it...retirement?!?! haha) AND i get money taken out each paycheck (pre-taxed which is sweet) to finish payin off my Lasik since I used a flexible spending account sooooo until i start pickin up overtime when im out of orientation my paychecks will continue to do their job but we def wont be playin the ballin santa clause! With every Christmas I get less and less focused on presents tho...dont get me wrong i love to give gifts but im in the process of thinkin up new ways to give instead of just
material gifts. The ideas are brewin but no final decisions yet...I'll continue to let alla that marinade and hopefully have a new way to bring Christmas cheer for next year! But for this year I don't have toooooo much shoppin to do...But still got PLENTY of christmas activities! What I'm lookin forward to MOST is the festival of lights + Polar Express in 4D!!! I've wanted to go to the festival of lights ever since i came to xavier but never been able to...freshman year i just outright missed it and the other 3 years i had known/been with maurice and i said id never go until i could go with him so this is our year!! I see commercials 
for it and get butterflies inside...nerdy? yes...do i care? negativo! I also cant wait for the annual Jesus party with my naptown ladies!!! LOVE. IT. and LOVE. THEM. Ok sooooo i cant concentrate anymore...desperate housewives is on...and there is all types of insanity happenin on here...when i first saw desperate housewives i was like "ummm NOT my kind of show"...now im kinda addicted n love it..i didnt like it cuz i thought it was all about white picket fences and irritatingly "pleasantville type" people but the more i watch it the more i love that it...there's always a good message it gives out and it cracks me up w all the normalcy aka craziness that goes on behind the pretty houses and 
attempts to be "perfect" cuz its SOOOOO true...unfortunately there's this idea of the stereotypical suburbia that has infected so many...this thought that with seclusion in a "nice area" with "nice houses" and "good people" (aka people who make good money) there should be no problems.. i say "poor people...they r SO confused about life in general" haha...eeeeeee shows back on...ol gurl stabbed herself in the stomach n shes tryna put the blame on her ex-hubster...crazy hefa...i feel bad for her tho..people who stoop that low r laying that low internally...so sad...ok bye...LOVE sittin here with our Christmas tree lighting the way! ps. our tree's name is Tondo (pronounced "tawn-doe) for no reason other than i just like the name Tondo..Let your light shine TONDO! and keep entertainin me desperate housewives!!! Friday, December 4, 2009
Geeked for my 4 days off
WAHOO FOR WORKING 3 12's AND THEN HAVING 4 DAYS OFF WITHOUT PTO!! I am so geeked for my 4 days off, too. Just found out last night reesaferd found a ride home for the weekend so we'll be able to...r u ready for this...we'll be able to go on our hunt for the perfect CHRISTMAS TREE!!!! OMG im so excited i cant contain myself...lol...ive never had my OWN christmas tree and reese and this will also be the first time reese n i go christmas tree shopping and decorating together!!! I plan on crankin the christmas tunes, maybe pop a bottle of champagne (or hot cocoa...same difference...lol) and go at it with the decoratin!
I also am gonna start with a new project. I am MAKING...yes making...reese and my stockings this year...I found this kit at a fabric store and it looks complex but the ladies behind the counter said I could do it so hopefully they are right! If not...violence will be the answer (my mommy n daddy taught me RIGHT! lol)
Other things on the TO DO list for the stretch off: Singers (the group i sang in at xavier) show, Jack's gymnastic meet (hes 6 and the cutest little gymnast u hav ever seen...hes my little man..ive babysat/been apart of their family since Jack was 6 mo and Jess was 5 i believe), sleep in, finish decorating the house, and go christmas shopping! I can't really afford to go all out w christmas gifts n buy something for everyone id like to but ima do wat i can! Life is expensive in case yall didnt know...n i dont even got kids to support yet!! yikers...maybe reese was right about just havin 2-3 kids instead of 4..we'd prolly go broke with 4...n kids n all the hubs and i WILL be takin sweet lovin romantic getaways for the 2 of us even with kids! we r gona make sure it happens!
Ok...time to start the day off by gettin BUFF!! ima monster...but dont be intimidated...i only unleash fury with ice cream is involved...or when i need to vent but reesaferd is the only one that gets that fury. It's included in the job description. God bless his soul. lol.
God is good. God is great. Reesaferd is my giant ape!! LOVE to all :)
I also am gonna start with a new project. I am MAKING...yes making...reese and my stockings this year...I found this kit at a fabric store and it looks complex but the ladies behind the counter said I could do it so hopefully they are right! If not...violence will be the answer (my mommy n daddy taught me RIGHT! lol)
Other things on the TO DO list for the stretch off: Singers (the group i sang in at xavier) show, Jack's gymnastic meet (hes 6 and the cutest little gymnast u hav ever seen...hes my little man..ive babysat/been apart of their family since Jack was 6 mo and Jess was 5 i believe), sleep in, finish decorating the house, and go christmas shopping! I can't really afford to go all out w christmas gifts n buy something for everyone id like to but ima do wat i can! Life is expensive in case yall didnt know...n i dont even got kids to support yet!! yikers...maybe reese was right about just havin 2-3 kids instead of 4..we'd prolly go broke with 4...n kids n all the hubs and i WILL be takin sweet lovin romantic getaways for the 2 of us even with kids! we r gona make sure it happens!
Ok...time to start the day off by gettin BUFF!! ima monster...but dont be intimidated...i only unleash fury with ice cream is involved...or when i need to vent but reesaferd is the only one that gets that fury. It's included in the job description. God bless his soul. lol.
God is good. God is great. Reesaferd is my giant ape!! LOVE to all :)
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
"The Seriousness of Graeter's Ice Cream" brought to you by Picture This Productions...
Curtain opens. Jessi, being the amazing girlfriend that she is, is at Graeters buying a pint of cookies n cream for her lovely significant other reesaferd, and a pint of choc chip cookie dough for herself. After forking over the greenery and bagging up her goodies she skipped merrily out of the world's greatest ice creamery and hopped into her car, Dolores Merchinski. "Oh I can't WAIT for reesaferd and I to delight in the deliciousness of our individual desserts!" she cheerfully said to herself in a high-pitched and jolly tone. Curtain closes.
Curtain opens. Jessi has just made her joyful entrance into the apartment where her lovely reesaferd awaited for her on the couch doing his usual weekend football routine (watching 2 different games on 2 different flat screens).
"Look what I got us!" Jessi proclaimed as she showed off the pints of ice cream. "You said you wanted cookies n cream so I got you your own pint babe!"
"Wow babe...you're the best!"
(DUH! Jessi thought). Jessi smiles keeping her thoughts to herself, and then places the two pints of sweet lovin in the freezer for later indulgence. Suddenly, some of Jessi's most dearest friends in the whole world arrived at the apartment. It was time to begin to journey to their squeaky friend Cynae's baby shower! Oh how exciting and delightful! Jessi and the lovely ladies of the 317 hopped into the car and began their fun-filled journey. Curtain closes.
Curtain opens. The ladies are in Dolores Merchinski on the drive back from the babylicious baby shower. The ladies are talking about people making messes and not cleanin up after themselves and the irritation this brings. Jessi's cellular device is resounding. Tis Reesaferd calling!
"Well hey there darlin!" Jessi said with a smile
"Hey babe...just so you know..Nicole and I got into a water fight so there might still be water around the apt. Also, I left 1.5 hrs ago to drive back to school but I left my pint of ice cream out so it's probably melted. "
Jessi and Reesaferd continued their conversation for a bit longer and then they parted ways. Jessi couldn't believe what a coincidence it was that she was just venting about the frustration of people leaving messes and not cleaning up after themselves, and then that conversation bw her and the love of her life happened. How silly. Furthermore, Jessi was very happy that atleast reesaferd didn't make a BIG boo boo and eat her ice cream and then leave it out half eaten to waste away.
When Jessi got home she immediately began rescue measures to try and revive the cookies n cream. It wasn't entirely puddled so she performed CPR for approx 4 minutes and then placed the pint back into the freezer for her man to enjoy later. Curtain closes.
Curtain opens. Time has passed now. Jessi has been loving her occassional forbidden rendevous with her cookie dough ice cream. She enjoyed having a few bites at a time so to savor the succulence of the sweet, sweet ice cream. But one day...things changed for the worst. Jessi had just gotten home from a long 12 hr day at the hospital saving lives and changing the outcome, and all she wanted was to delight in a few bites of her forbidden love...the cookie dough ice cream. Jessi would have to deliver Reesaferd to Lexington, KY that same night after a long day of saving lives so he could get back to school and all she needed was a few bites of her ice cream. As she took the cute little pint out of the freezer, Reesaferd, looking innocent as can be, nonchalantly says, "I mixed my left over cookies n cream into what was left of your cookie dough...it tastes pretty good."
"YOU DID WHAT?!?!"
Thunder began to crash and lightning split the sky!
"You mixed YOUR pint of ice cream that YOU left
out to perish into MY perfectly fine and delicious
choc chip cookie dough?!?!?!"
"I don't understand?!?!" Jessi thought as she thrashed through the apt enraged. "What makes you think you can a) mix YOUR sloppy seconds refrozen ice cream into my still fresh tasting pint and b) EAT MY ICE CREAM, PERIOD?!?!?!" Jessi was furious as Reesaferd KNEW what the business was when it came to Jessi and her ice cream.
Reesaferd then fell to his knees and pleaded for forgiveness as he wept at Queen Jessi's beautiful feet. As Jessi gazed down into her lover's eyes she couldn't help but take him back...even after he committed one of the deadliest sins known to mankind. Jessi then helped Reesaferd to his feet. For visualization, this looked like Jessi telling Reesaferd to get his big gorilla self up (Jessi is too fragile, dainty, and beautiful to assist in activities that could potentially cause physical pain). The love birds then embraced. But Jessi will never forget that sunny turned stormy evening when her ice cream was eaten and tainted by the impurities of another.
Let this be a lesson for all. If you have your own ice cream pint and you let it perish in the heat, for then your significant other to revive it so you would still have some to nibble on...DONT...i repeat DONT mix your impure ice cream with her/his innocent ice cream...furthermore, if you are ever at the jessi/reesaferd/nicole/abitha residence and there's ice cream in the freezer, ask who's it is...and if it's jessi's....just shut the fridge and walk away.
THE END
Documentation of the seriousness of ice cream to Jessi found below:
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Nae's Baybay Shower!!!
Sunday was DEF Funday! Ranck, pickle, bruc-e and i all made a trip down to lexington for nae's baby shower! I'd like to add the ranck, pickle, and bruc-e also made an extra trip to WHO KNOWS WHERE when they got lost on their way to my apt...how sad...lol. I'm so happy that we all got to share that special day with Cynae...i think all us did...reminds us of the good ol clownin days in high school...we have so many RIDICULOUS memories and good times and its so good to know we're still all friends! Also, id like to add that cynae's ridiculosity STILL prevails..the high squeaky voice LIVES ON and STRONG...she STILL cant sing..lol..and im so glad to see her so happy :) Some pics to document that the baby shower occurred (IM NOT LYING! SHES HAVIN A BABY!) found below:
*CONGRATS TO CYNAE AND JOSH!*
and congrats to me...for being awesome...Amen.
It's My Mommy's Birthday!!!
My mother dearest is the greatest in the whole wide world!!! I'm so thankful for her..her portrayal of strength and courage, her wisdom, her faithfulness to Christ, and her amazing mothering skills (i mean..she's a beast..she raised ME! lol jk jk jk). Anyhoots...HAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYY BIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRTTTTTHHHHHHDDDDDAAAAYYYYYYYYY to the lovely mother of mine :)
Weddings, The encounter w Turkey*, and healin the past
Friday: I volunteered at Crossroads (our home church) with the wedding team. It was so much fun! We basically made sure everything went smoothly for the bride and groom on their super special day. I really wanted to get involved more in our church community so when I heard they needed help on the wedding team I was like HECK YES! Sounds fun, maybe stressful at times if your dealin w/ a bridezille, and i can get pointers for our wedding (whenever that may be..lol)! I really wanted to volunteer w/ the kidos in kids club but they need people to be there consistently every weekend and i can't do that thanks to hospitals bein open on the weekends..lol. So when I emailed Susan (she leads the wedding team) and told her about my schedule and need for flexibility she said id fit right in! After I was done helpin out around the Crossroads community I headed out to pick up Reesaferd!! He got a ride home last minute and then went out w a long time friend for a bit while I was at crossroads so i went and picked him up and brought him home where that boy belongs! He had been tellin me about this song he heard in his dance class...sayin the first time he heard it he stopped dancing, went up to the teacher and said WHAT IS THIS CALLED? MY WIFE AND I NEED TO DANCE TO THIS AT OUR WEDDING! lol. It truly is perfect..in every single way..and I never would've found that on my own..soooo essentially we haven't got engaged ("officially) and haven't started plannin a wedding but we think we're dead set on our first dance song! lol. I'm not spillin the beans tho...peoples gotta wait til the weddin to hear it!! That's right...wait in anticipation! haha
Saturday: My gurl Jess (my other 1/2 of j-squared) came over cuz she was in town. Note to self: I love that gurl! We can talk for ever (well...we both could prolly talk to ourselves forever so put us together and its a dag-gone mess lol)..I got the 411 on her recent updates n i gave her my scoop as well. I love our convos so much cuz we hav similar thought patterns, beliefs, outlooks on life etc so its sometimes like I'll be talkin about a topic and questioning this and that about it but then she'll chime in and say something and im just baffled at how things she says is wat ive been needin to hear or think about. I am, no doubt, very blessed to have such an amazing woman as a close friend. She's my gurl for real for real.
Then Saturday night Reese and I went to church. He was at a football game w his boys and i was at the apt w/ jess so we just met up at church. But there was DEF a twist to our meeting. I spot him immediately as I walk into the atrium (a very LARGE big open space where free coffee/drinks are served at crossroads). I mean, he's hard to miss...and my eyes r set in radar mode for him..lol. As I start to get closer, peanut butter sandwich in my hand (I knew he'd be hungry and need it) I see a girl next time- which is no big deal...I'm not a "ur not allowed to talk to other gurls" kind of girlfriend. He didn't see me until I was right up next to him since his back was faced where I entered the building, and I just look at up at him and smile and hand him his sandwich. Then, I ask "and who is this?" (in a kind and plain voice...i just love meetin new people especially people a part of reese's life) and he says kind of under his breath her name. I smiled and said hi to her with a gentle nod of my head acknowledging that "I come in peace" haha. She then went her way and reese took my hand and we went ours. Now...when he initially said her name i didnt hear it clear enough since he played the mumble game so i asked him again when we walked away..."What was her name again?" "Turkey*" he says (i dont wanna use her real name cuz thats unnecessary so ill call her turkey). My heart starts to flutter in an unusual manner. "Turkey* WHO?" (knowin dag-gone well what Turkey* he was talkin about). He then said her last name and I just stood there as he was gettin his drink re-filled with a look on my face that said more than 1000 words. I knew exactly who she was via stories I had been told, and I had never been too fond of her n lacked some respect for her bc of these stories...I was able to keep her out of my mind tho bc she was from years ago (except for when she kept tryin to talk to reese when she knew dag-gone well wat the business was...POOR decision on any female's part...wat happened to respect ya know?). Well, apparently i have more disdain for the girl than i thought bc my stomach twisted in knots and all i could think of were the things i knew about her (aka only negative things for real) and how i couldnt believe she had the audacity to get his attention n talk to him. Granted...she had every right to and she might have been completely innocent in wanting to just say hi and have casual chit chat, but i wasnt thinkin of anything other than EEW and THE AUDACITY..haha. I'm sure she's a nice girl, I really do...I think she made some poor decisions but dont we all. I just felt like I had a knife thrust into my stomach and then twisted around. It's almost like it doesn't matter whether you rationally know its been years etc etc ...when it's someone you love...someone you cant picture yourself without and someone you know never belonged with and never should belong with anyone else, it just makes you wanna physically vomit when you think of someone else from their past...regardless of the degree to wat was shared...it's just nauseating and makes u wish u had one of those men in black red flashy erase all memory thoughts hahaha. And for real, this was my first time ever bein face to face w one of his girls from the past (luckily he doesnt have many...). Ive met a few innocent and barely anything of significance infatuations, but that was it. And this whole time i been sayin how id prolly be fine w meetin old gurls n wat not, but truth is its hard...and apparently my pride is stronger than i thought. The feelin of "this hefa needs to know the business and RESPECT IT" tries to pop up..ok...i lied...it DOES pop up...and YES i feel childish in even ever thinkin that but i gotta be real cuz saturday proved to me that it does. And I been prayin like crazy ever since hahaha. First of all, I know for a FACT that maurice loves no one but me and the thought of other gurls nauseates him just like the thought of other guys makes me wanna vomit (EEW)...and i dont know whether it's a female thing or just a jessi thing but regardless of how faithful, loyal, loving, adoring, honest, etc reese is i couldnt stop focusing on wat, at one point was. I could see the pain in reese's eyes when id look at him cuz he knew exactly the thoughts that were permeating my mind and it pained me too bc i dont WANT to think those things...i dont WANT the past to hurt...just like i dont want MY past to hurt him and yet i know at times it does...Man, and that's a whole different ball game...here i am all types of flustered and almost feelin haunted and this is only one gurl i met. Maurice has met 3 guys from my past (rangin from little infatuation to more) and while i hav always appreciated him for bein so kind upfront i know that his heart hurts, too. And to top it all off, I'm still EXTREMELY close to one of their families, im still rather good friends with another, AND i have a child from a past relationship. If the tables were turned and i had to deal with wat he does id prolly go crazy...id have to fight like crazy against all those thoughts from the evil one that try n make u lose focus on the GREAT thing God has given u...Now my stomach is twisting thinkin about all that must haunt him. We've talked about this issue before...actually on several occassions...because it's such a hard pill to swallow. In the beginning we were both like "oh watever ur past is ur past" and then, as we continued to grow closer and closer, the past was NOT just the past...it hurt. It's not like we we're angry at each other for our pasts and we both realize that without our pasts we wouldnt be all that we are today (every person and situation helps mold)...but sometimes i just wish there was never any female before me...and there was no other male before him. It'd make things so much easier! GEEZ! For the most part, we're good...thru prayer and talkin about stuff we hav healed alot of pains that were bound to hurt when we began to grow together as close as we did and continue to do...apparently i still have some healing that needs to take place tho. Do me a favor and pray for me, yeah? Much appreciated :) And pray for reese, too...that those things that occassionaly may haunt him be healed so that we can let go of the hurt associated w eachothers' past and focus on the gift we have now. Oh and if u hav one of the men in black memory erasers that can selectively erase certain things dont be stingy...hit me up! lol
For any of yas who havent found "THE one" yet...please be careful and be HESITANT before u give urself (physically, mentally, spiritually) to another..it may seem meaningless and trivial now..but our bodies are temples...and a few years ago i woulda said "yea yea yea i know" and then wouldnt hav taken that to heart but TRULY..i cant emphasize it enough..YOU in entirety are God's temple..and God DOES have someone for you to love and be your best friend thru thick and thin for the rest of ur life...just be patient...dont waste ur time on those "relationships" u know arent "IT"...and remember that one day u will have that love/relationship that God intended us to have and share...and you will be bringin ALLLLLLLLLLLLL of you to the table...so think carefully of ur actions/decisions bc they WILL come to light...and as trivial as they may seem to u now...they have the potential to haunt the person you love so much...the person ud lay down ur life for...and there'll be NOTHING u can personally do to keep those past decisions from haunting and bringin pain to ur loved one's heart and mind...do YOUR temple and your future REAL DEAL a favor and make wise decisions now in hopes that your love wont be haunted by the past. Yes, it can be worked thru n make u stronger...but take it from me...i wish it was never a battlefield created...
Hopefully, if i ever run into Turkey* or some other past girl again i handle my thoughts better and i am stronger...realizing that NOTHING..nothing from the past..present...or future..is stronger than wat maurice and i share...thus, no need stressin or havin negative thoughts...leave the past where it belongs (healed and IN THE STINKIN PAST trailin in my farts! did i go too far? i apologize lol). Apparently, im still a work in progress (GEEZ God cant u just make me perfect?!?! haha), but im tryin...and full healing will come in time...I'm so thankful for the love I have been blessed with...and I wish I could've come to him n been able to say "I've saved my entire being for you" and i wish he could've said the same...I wish we woulda met at like..15 and then had been together ever since hahaha...then there'd be no other infiltrating past figures! lol. How ideal right? Anyhoots! No where to go but FORWARD! As we have been doin for the majority...just occassionally people like TURKEY come along n make work a little harder to keep goin forward..but gosh darn it VICTORIOUS WE WILL RISE! ok...im gettin to be too much again...love yourself..love others..love God...and make ur relationship decisions so that, when that day comes, u dont have to hav u or ur beloved find themselves in an encounter with TURKEY*! (i know, i know..prophetic right?lol ) I hope u get the message...and i hope it marinades like a well seasoned steak.
Saturday: My gurl Jess (my other 1/2 of j-squared) came over cuz she was in town. Note to self: I love that gurl! We can talk for ever (well...we both could prolly talk to ourselves forever so put us together and its a dag-gone mess lol)..I got the 411 on her recent updates n i gave her my scoop as well. I love our convos so much cuz we hav similar thought patterns, beliefs, outlooks on life etc so its sometimes like I'll be talkin about a topic and questioning this and that about it but then she'll chime in and say something and im just baffled at how things she says is wat ive been needin to hear or think about. I am, no doubt, very blessed to have such an amazing woman as a close friend. She's my gurl for real for real.
Then Saturday night Reese and I went to church. He was at a football game w his boys and i was at the apt w/ jess so we just met up at church. But there was DEF a twist to our meeting. I spot him immediately as I walk into the atrium (a very LARGE big open space where free coffee/drinks are served at crossroads). I mean, he's hard to miss...and my eyes r set in radar mode for him..lol. As I start to get closer, peanut butter sandwich in my hand (I knew he'd be hungry and need it) I see a girl next time- which is no big deal...I'm not a "ur not allowed to talk to other gurls" kind of girlfriend. He didn't see me until I was right up next to him since his back was faced where I entered the building, and I just look at up at him and smile and hand him his sandwich. Then, I ask "and who is this?" (in a kind and plain voice...i just love meetin new people especially people a part of reese's life) and he says kind of under his breath her name. I smiled and said hi to her with a gentle nod of my head acknowledging that "I come in peace" haha. She then went her way and reese took my hand and we went ours. Now...when he initially said her name i didnt hear it clear enough since he played the mumble game so i asked him again when we walked away..."What was her name again?" "Turkey*" he says (i dont wanna use her real name cuz thats unnecessary so ill call her turkey). My heart starts to flutter in an unusual manner. "Turkey* WHO?" (knowin dag-gone well what Turkey* he was talkin about). He then said her last name and I just stood there as he was gettin his drink re-filled with a look on my face that said more than 1000 words. I knew exactly who she was via stories I had been told, and I had never been too fond of her n lacked some respect for her bc of these stories...I was able to keep her out of my mind tho bc she was from years ago (except for when she kept tryin to talk to reese when she knew dag-gone well wat the business was...POOR decision on any female's part...wat happened to respect ya know?). Well, apparently i have more disdain for the girl than i thought bc my stomach twisted in knots and all i could think of were the things i knew about her (aka only negative things for real) and how i couldnt believe she had the audacity to get his attention n talk to him. Granted...she had every right to and she might have been completely innocent in wanting to just say hi and have casual chit chat, but i wasnt thinkin of anything other than EEW and THE AUDACITY..haha. I'm sure she's a nice girl, I really do...I think she made some poor decisions but dont we all. I just felt like I had a knife thrust into my stomach and then twisted around. It's almost like it doesn't matter whether you rationally know its been years etc etc ...when it's someone you love...someone you cant picture yourself without and someone you know never belonged with and never should belong with anyone else, it just makes you wanna physically vomit when you think of someone else from their past...regardless of the degree to wat was shared...it's just nauseating and makes u wish u had one of those men in black red flashy erase all memory thoughts hahaha. And for real, this was my first time ever bein face to face w one of his girls from the past (luckily he doesnt have many...). Ive met a few innocent and barely anything of significance infatuations, but that was it. And this whole time i been sayin how id prolly be fine w meetin old gurls n wat not, but truth is its hard...and apparently my pride is stronger than i thought. The feelin of "this hefa needs to know the business and RESPECT IT" tries to pop up..ok...i lied...it DOES pop up...and YES i feel childish in even ever thinkin that but i gotta be real cuz saturday proved to me that it does. And I been prayin like crazy ever since hahaha. First of all, I know for a FACT that maurice loves no one but me and the thought of other gurls nauseates him just like the thought of other guys makes me wanna vomit (EEW)...and i dont know whether it's a female thing or just a jessi thing but regardless of how faithful, loyal, loving, adoring, honest, etc reese is i couldnt stop focusing on wat, at one point was. I could see the pain in reese's eyes when id look at him cuz he knew exactly the thoughts that were permeating my mind and it pained me too bc i dont WANT to think those things...i dont WANT the past to hurt...just like i dont want MY past to hurt him and yet i know at times it does...Man, and that's a whole different ball game...here i am all types of flustered and almost feelin haunted and this is only one gurl i met. Maurice has met 3 guys from my past (rangin from little infatuation to more) and while i hav always appreciated him for bein so kind upfront i know that his heart hurts, too. And to top it all off, I'm still EXTREMELY close to one of their families, im still rather good friends with another, AND i have a child from a past relationship. If the tables were turned and i had to deal with wat he does id prolly go crazy...id have to fight like crazy against all those thoughts from the evil one that try n make u lose focus on the GREAT thing God has given u...Now my stomach is twisting thinkin about all that must haunt him. We've talked about this issue before...actually on several occassions...because it's such a hard pill to swallow. In the beginning we were both like "oh watever ur past is ur past" and then, as we continued to grow closer and closer, the past was NOT just the past...it hurt. It's not like we we're angry at each other for our pasts and we both realize that without our pasts we wouldnt be all that we are today (every person and situation helps mold)...but sometimes i just wish there was never any female before me...and there was no other male before him. It'd make things so much easier! GEEZ! For the most part, we're good...thru prayer and talkin about stuff we hav healed alot of pains that were bound to hurt when we began to grow together as close as we did and continue to do...apparently i still have some healing that needs to take place tho. Do me a favor and pray for me, yeah? Much appreciated :) And pray for reese, too...that those things that occassionaly may haunt him be healed so that we can let go of the hurt associated w eachothers' past and focus on the gift we have now. Oh and if u hav one of the men in black memory erasers that can selectively erase certain things dont be stingy...hit me up! lol
For any of yas who havent found "THE one" yet...please be careful and be HESITANT before u give urself (physically, mentally, spiritually) to another..it may seem meaningless and trivial now..but our bodies are temples...and a few years ago i woulda said "yea yea yea i know" and then wouldnt hav taken that to heart but TRULY..i cant emphasize it enough..YOU in entirety are God's temple..and God DOES have someone for you to love and be your best friend thru thick and thin for the rest of ur life...just be patient...dont waste ur time on those "relationships" u know arent "IT"...and remember that one day u will have that love/relationship that God intended us to have and share...and you will be bringin ALLLLLLLLLLLLL of you to the table...so think carefully of ur actions/decisions bc they WILL come to light...and as trivial as they may seem to u now...they have the potential to haunt the person you love so much...the person ud lay down ur life for...and there'll be NOTHING u can personally do to keep those past decisions from haunting and bringin pain to ur loved one's heart and mind...do YOUR temple and your future REAL DEAL a favor and make wise decisions now in hopes that your love wont be haunted by the past. Yes, it can be worked thru n make u stronger...but take it from me...i wish it was never a battlefield created...
Hopefully, if i ever run into Turkey* or some other past girl again i handle my thoughts better and i am stronger...realizing that NOTHING..nothing from the past..present...or future..is stronger than wat maurice and i share...thus, no need stressin or havin negative thoughts...leave the past where it belongs (healed and IN THE STINKIN PAST trailin in my farts! did i go too far? i apologize lol). Apparently, im still a work in progress (GEEZ God cant u just make me perfect?!?! haha), but im tryin...and full healing will come in time...I'm so thankful for the love I have been blessed with...and I wish I could've come to him n been able to say "I've saved my entire being for you" and i wish he could've said the same...I wish we woulda met at like..15 and then had been together ever since hahaha...then there'd be no other infiltrating past figures! lol. How ideal right? Anyhoots! No where to go but FORWARD! As we have been doin for the majority...just occassionally people like TURKEY come along n make work a little harder to keep goin forward..but gosh darn it VICTORIOUS WE WILL RISE! ok...im gettin to be too much again...love yourself..love others..love God...and make ur relationship decisions so that, when that day comes, u dont have to hav u or ur beloved find themselves in an encounter with TURKEY*! (i know, i know..prophetic right?lol ) I hope u get the message...and i hope it marinades like a well seasoned steak.
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