Snuggie bar crawlin it

So Friday night I met up with Alex and Angela (who r HILAR) in brip for a snuggie bar crawl. In Alex's words...we were "drinkin for the kids" lol. DORK. hahaha...no but for real we were doin the snuggie bar crawl to raise money for the Ronald McDonald house which im OBVIOUSLY a HUGE supporter for being a pediatric nurse and knowing first hand how important that foundation/resource is for families with sick little ones. Unfortunately, I didn't have a snuggie...and my frugal self wasnt gona go BUY one just for the event sooooo i took my handy dandy big fluffy blue robe, put it on backwards, and tied 'er up! WAH-LAH!! instant "white trash snuggie" (quote per fellow snuggie bar crawler who was quite the professional snuggie wearer lol). There's a competition at the beginning of the crawl of best get-up and she actually won it...she was rather decked out and i had to give her props...i missed the competition tho cuz i had to work and didnt get to brip until after it started. Which brings me to an AWESOME moment in my life. Picture it: im wearing my scrub pants still and just took off my scrub top so was wearin a white tee...i step out of dolores merchinski (the vehicular) in front of some italian restaurant full of young profressions out on a friday night...head to my trunk and pull out a big fluffy robe...proceed to put the robe on and tie up...then look up to see two men all decked out in their suits and shmancy coats staring at me like im JUUUUUST not right...so i try and make light of the AWKWARD situation by laughing at my super hot outfit to them...only for them to not laugh AT ALL and continue to stare and then for me to walk away...by myself...praying to find fellow snuggie bar crawlers and my friends ASAP lol. I'm not positive but i think i might have heard those 2 young gentlemen mumble "peasant" under their breath as i walked away. There's a really good chance actually...and even if they didnt actually say it...they looked like the type that would GENUINELY be thinking it. Poor babies...too snooty booty to appreciate a good homemade snuggie lol.

Anyhoots! Had a ton of fun w the girls and we have already started planning our AWESOME snuggie outfits for next for the competition...its gona be AMAZING...cant give any details tho JUST IN CASE our competition finds my blog and gets any inside. We warned our competition of our determination to win next year...and threatened them repeatedly. I'm pretty sure we accomplished instilling fear into their bones. They are NOT gona know what hit them when they see us next year.

PLENTY of people took pics of me and my robe-ie (robe version of the snuggie) so i feel like im PROBABLY all over several peoples facebook lol...i was quite the center of attention by both fellow snuggers and innocent by-standers. I felt PRETTTTTY awesome lol

Lookin forward to next year!!!

ps. the first bar i made it to was "brothers"...so i ordered food...and it was BANGIN!! the queso chicken wrap and their fries are AMAAAAAZING! cant have that again for a LONG time tho...between crossfit and my ridiculous and consistently climbing cholesterol i dont get much "splurge" food. Whats really funny about all that tho is that i finally got my cholesterol checked at a physician's office so that i could finally talk w a doc about what, if anything, i need to do medically to manage my cholesterol...and after i BEEN told both the doc and the nurse that ive BEEN exercising and eating healthy for a LONG TIME i STILL got told to "exercise and eat healthy" for 6 months and then they'd recheck it and we'd go from there. SeRiOuSlY?!?!?! my KNOWN (it could've been higher for longer but ive only KNOWN for 2 years) climbing cholesterol has now been goin on for about 2 years..luckily i have a really high HDL level so hopefully my good cholesterol has been doin its job and not allowing all that bad cholesterol to build up in my poor and innocent arteries setting my heart or brain up for failure :( Oh genetics...y must u be doing this to me!

I just wanna blog!

I've wanted to blog for SO LONG and it just never happens...something always ends up trumping it..or my thoughts r running so fast that i dont even bother to sit down and try to type them out bc either a) i wont accomplish wat i wanted to or b) itll take FOREVER to actually get out all that i want to. Very unfortunate situation. And I'm gona continue to not be able to blog...atleast not right now....gotta shower, run errands, and take a nap. Hopefully read a little. But i AM a married woman now...call me Mrs. Brown :) and we ARE essentially DEBT FREE (got the money for it just need to set up the payment method...which is a whole different and much longer story)...and i am DYING for a hair change but not sure what to do and not sure whether ill actually be bold enough to finally do something different...awaiting a phone call back from my stylist. I'm thinking about letting her do whatever she thinks will look best. I love Maurice Anthony. I love calling him my husband. HUSBAND HUSBAND HUSBAND HUSBAND!!! and i love when he calls me his wife...and now when he says it its actually "official"...i love BEING his wife...and i love that HE is my husband. I have extreme baby fever...often....but am trying to stay focused and tame the fever lol. We are both VERY excited for kids but want to grow and build our foundation a bit more first...just recently started crossfit...so far...its awesome..and my *husband* reaaaaalllllyyyyyyyy loves it...his *wife* knew he would ;) ...looking for a second job cuz getting mandatory called off on a routine basis is NOT ok NOR part of our master plan lol. ok...now its time to get back to all the other stuff i wanted to do...and hopefully ill get back to blogging later! hopefully ill be able to start jotting my thoughts down on here more routinely...doubt itll happen tho lol...

this has been Mrs. Brown---- OUT!

P.S.

It's stinkin gorgeous outside...oh how i love the fall :)

19 DAYS!!!

Holy Lord have mercy today marks 19 more days until Maurice and I are *MARRIED* !!!!! Ever since it turned october ive just been in disbelief that this is FINALLY *THE* month! I get butterflies everytime i think of it...i cant wait for this new chapter of our lives as husband and wife...i cant wait to enter into this most deep sacrament shared in marriage...I cant wait to call him my husband...and for him to call me his wife (and ill officially BE his wife..hes been calling me wife forever now lol). I cant wait to share this most special day with our loved ones and I hope that all those who are already married at the wedding remember their own vows and their own special day and smile...i hope that those who are single see and experience God's love thru us and in the sacrament...i hope the food is as scrumptious as the day we trialed it and i hope the dance floor is poppin :)

This whole wedding planning process has been so enjoyable and while i def had some stressful days (bound to happen at some point) everything really has just fallen into place for us...my mom and i went to check out our table set-up for the reception yesterday and its so beautiful. We also met with the ceremony musician which was fabo...glad to have had that sit down w him and get all those little details taken care of. Had my hair trail run today and abby is a beast (DUH!) so im feelin GREAT for the big day...everything else really are just little things that if they dont ever happen im A-OK with it and they simply wont get done...ive been typing out a "week of" timeline with a run down of each day so that when the week comes we should be prepared with what needs to get done and everyone will be on the same page...yea so im a little type A...i just call myself prepared and a great planner :) in all reality tho i really just dont want to be trying to figure things out the week of and potentially getting stressed out...i want to 100% enjoy my wedding day so im hoping that by planning everything out everything will get taken care of ...when i wake up on that saturday its all about maurice and i becoming husband and wife and then celebrating with friends and nothing else...

Can't believe it's just around the corner...Can't wait to be husband and wife...Praise be to God for the love and friendship we've found in each other and for LOVE in general!!!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference

2 Words

Baby. Fever.

Oh my lordy have i been having baby fever!! And for a while now! Sometimes are worse than others...like somedays i actually get kinda of nervous and/or intimidated bc my mind likes to wander from me and unfortunately doubt enters my mind more than id like (good thing is i got my homeboy Jesus on my side to get rid of those thoughts when they try and pop up!! lol)...its really stupid stuff that i "fear" too......like what if i turn into a "mommy only" kinda of mom and forget to just be me and then suddenly hav a crazy weirdo breakdown?...what if my kids think im supposed to be superhuman and then i let them down?...or (brace yourselves...this fear is AWESOME) what if our kids dont like me and they only like their dad??? BAHAHAHA! im not lying when i say i actually THINK these things...and i realize its hilarious especially when verbalized...but this is just a small sliver of the unfortunate side of my mind.

Anyhoots! Aside from all of that stuff I am SUUUUUUPER excited for little ones!! I think Reese and I will do a really great job as parents and I hope one day we can look at what we have helped mold and raise and pat ourselves on the back knowing the world that will continue on when we're gone will be better off because of the genuinely GOOD people we've left behind. I don't mind of they make mistakes along they way (bc they indefinitely will- good ole free will-...i hope they arent MAJOR mistakes but if they r i hope they will be better for it)....i just hope they have christ-like hearts, they put God above all, they do good by others regardless of how others do by them, they know and live love, they can admit their mistakes and flaws and then keep on walking, and they can love themselves for who they are and love others for who they are...

Reese and I were laying on the hammock yesterday and i just looked at him and took so much pride that he would be the father of my babies...i started to hope that our little boys would grow up just like their daddy...i hoped our girls boyfriends/husbands would treat them just like their daddy treats their mommy...i got so excited at the fact that reese and my love could be so powerful that it could bring a little one into this world....a little product of our love to hold :) just so flippin awesome i love it!

i got a lot of people (married people with kids) that tell me that "everything changes" when kids come into the picture and "wait for a while before u have kids so u can enjoy ur time together"...i can understand how things will be different...wont have alone time whenever we want....wont have "free time"...will always be having to cater to the kids...blah-zay-blah...YES i can see that life might be a little bit more stressful...little less go with the flow and spontaneous...but what about all the JOYS that come with little ones? cant kids bring a marriage together bc ur communication has to be ON POINT...wouldnt ur love grow everytime u looked at the product of ur love? not to mention we'll have an excuse to do all the fun "kid" activities that we love doing but we look kinda ridiculous doing it together as adults without kids lol...and we've already determined that we are going to live close to family/friends that can watch our kids bc our MARRIAGE COMES FIRST...yes we will love our kids like crazy and bc we love them so much well be talkin about em all the time even when we rnt around them but we gotta have TIME TO OURSELVES....ATLEAST one date night a month...we r shooting for 2 though...and im definitely gona have barnes and nobles days (without kids) to regain sanity and have some silence so just drop the kids off at the parentals or a friends house for an hour or two, get some jessi time, then come back... i realize this isnt the reality for many people bc they dont live by family and have to pay for and find babysitters or their family is too busy bc they have a life of their own as well...but ive already recruited a team of family/friend babysitters and im holding them to it!! haha

anyhoots...kids are blessings...and i just cant wait for reese and to share in that...and im not gona lie i love preggo bellies so i cant wait to have a one again :) minus the super swollen feet and pre-eclampsia tho hahaha...this time around (whenever that time is) is gona be MUCH different lol and im already excited for it...

for now ill keep on loving the family of 3 (reese, me, and berfie- our cat- ) and ill cherish the spontaneity we have now and the slow relaxing lounge around days that we're able to share!

Tales from the bedside

First of all...if anyone from my cchmc residency has just read the title of this blog--> BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!! lol and I hope ur final presentations were just dandy lol

Ok...so now what I wanted to write about...

Old news: I work in a NICU now...

Today news: my heart breaks with every withdrawal baby that i hear scream, see tremble, and hold tightly trying to calm them...

We get more withdrawal babies than id like to know exist (although even prior to this job i knew that unfortunately there are MANY babies out there born addicted to drugs)...knowing they are out there breaks my heart...holding them in my arms...borderline rips my heart out and absolutely crushes me.

Today I walked over to a little babe's crib...who wasn't my baby for the day but the nurse was busy and the little one was screaming so since i had some downtime i made my way over to his bedside...I pulled the little munchkin out of his crib, held him tight, and assisted him w his paci (some babies need a little help holding that bad boy in there haha)...after a minute or so (which felt like a LIFETIME) of him bursting out with a shrilling cry i found myself just staring at him...staring into those suffering eyes..hurt by the feel of his tremoring little frame...

A part of me just wanted him to get it together, quiet down, and snuggle into my arms...but i grew sadder knowing that he couldnt calm down bc of choices someone else made for him...whether intentional or not. Then I actually wanted him to scream. Because honestly...he was dealt some SERIOUS cards right out of the gates...and the reality he was born into just isnt fair...

He finally calmed down...so i propped him up on my chest...his little diaper booty in one hand...my other hand laid on top of him...my head snuggled up next to his. And my heart just sank. If it would've been just me and him in a room alone a tear PROBABLY would've found it's way down my cheek.

I didn't want to put him down. Ever. I wanted to KNOW he'd end up going home to a healing mommy...and not just added to the vicious cycle of addition. I wanted him to know that his mommy had a rough path of her own she was traveling..and I wanted to know that she loved herself and him enough to continue to get help...and i prayed hed grow up knowing her in a different way, forgiving her for mistakes, and for being better for it. Then I thought of her...about what kind of journey she's lived thus far...about how she got here, looking into the face of her son who was withdrawing....about the pain she most surely carries in her heart...about the layers and strategies she uses to hide that pain.

And gosh darn it my heart just HURT!!! And it still does...for the mother who found herself caught in the web of addiction...and for the baby who didnt ask for this....

Addictions, whatever type they may be, stem from a story....a story sometimes so deep the individual that is addicted cant even pinpoint when and where the story began...they dont even realize the story exists. Unfortunately, that individual's addiction will indefinitely affect SOMEONE in their life...whether the effect is a positive or negative one simply depends...but indefinitely SOMEONE will be affected. In some cases...the affected can choose whether to stick around or not...in a newborn's case...they never had a choice. It's just plain and simply unfair..

By no means is this a bash on the mom(s) of withdrawal babies...the moms are just as sick as the babes and my heart breaks just as much for them...for the cycle they have fallen into...i just pray that the ones that do get help while they are pregnant continue to get help...and i pray for the moms who genuinely dont seem to care...bc i can bet that if they could be removed from the life they are currently living (and have usually lived for a long time) and truly given a FRESH START (which unfortunately is borderline impossible for most) u would find them on their knees...and the pain that they've been forced to bury deep will weep out along the tears...

Praying for these babies tonight...praying for their mommies....praying for that breaking point to be NOW...praying for a turn around...praying for the second (or 10,000th) chance that will break them free....