From sleep to babies...

I *LOVE* SLEEP! and i love my body feelin well-rested (which doesn't happen often because my body is VERY finnicky and requires routine and a minimum of a solid 7 hours of sleep to feel well-rested)...since adjusting to workin nights I have been sleepin fine and dandy during the day, but on my days off i get totally thrown off bc either i continue to sleep during the day and stay up all night and dont get to see many people or do much since the world is essentially unavailable at those hours, OR i tweak my schedule to accomodate "normal living" which, in turn, sends my body into rage leaving me extremely fatigued, head throbbing, and reesaferd typically gets spurts of a cranky attitude...so uncool on so many levels...

TODAY, I'm actually doin ok so far..i worked mon-tues-wednesday night and then is stayed up ALL day thursday and then finally went to sleep at 830 last night..When I woke up this morning at 930 i felt ok..decently well-rested and my headache is only mild for the time being...I'm excited bc I actually got to watch Ellen, eat breakfast when normal people do, and I'm sitting in my living room and I actually have natural light brightening the apt! *Fabulous* I'm plannin on running some errands (the dreaded grocery store visit followed by trips to different stores lookin for more ideas for decorating the apartment and then workin out). Exercising is QUITE the chore since I been working nights bc the gym closes when im awake at night and want to go work out so either i dont work out or i have to sacrifice sleep. And it's not like I can just go for a run outside at 3am...probably not the safest. I'll do some exercises around the house, but it gets old feelin locked up inside the house all the time...sometimes I'll sit out on the patio with my lovely decorations and just bundle up and sit and stare at the lovely dark scenery that engulfs me. Gotta get fresh air somehow! I switch back to day shift November 16 which excites me bc then my days off will actually feel like days off, but I'm kinda nervous cuz i SUCK at getting up in the morning...it's weird...I'll get the SAME amt of sleep thru the night as i do during the day when i work night shift but for some reason i wake up so much easier at 6pm versus 6am...6am just isnt natural...but then again workin night shift isnt either sooooo im screwed. HaHa! Gotta that make that money and save lives so i guess sacrifices must be made..lol. I got my cycle for when I'm out of orientation and on my own and it's pretty sweet...i have 2 different times thru my 6 wk cycle where i could take 5 days of PTO and essentially have 16 days off in a row...now that's just fantabulous! That's 2 vacations right there! I really like how children's has a cycle, too, bc i can essentially know everyday im workin for the entire year! I know that's nothing new to you mon-fri workers but thats not the case for us hospital peoples! There's no "I work every mon, tues, and thursday" for us...it changes mostly every week...so I LOVE knowing which days i work in my 6wk cycle and then can plan accodingly since my cycle just plunks out thru the year! I'm plannin on pickin up OT tho once im out of orientation...got big plans that require moolah! haha... I'm nervous about rotating nights/days tho...I'm prayin my body can handle it bc I really like having days OFF and I really only get that workin days it feels like..also, i like both the atmosphere of day shift AND night shift so I hope to be able to do both...if i cant...night shift is the only option since there aren't any straight day shift positions available sooooo thats how im livin at the bottom of the todem (spelling?) pole!

NEXT subject-->SO my apartment is lookin more and more like a *home* Reesaferd and I have done some painting, bought a beautiful bed set, and now I'm workin on some lovely decor to give that homey touch...it just takes me a while haha...as of now the house looks like it's trying really hard at lookin complete but still has a few more miles to the finish line. What sucks about all this is that our lease is up at the end of May and if we have the money for a house we are DEF moving! Also, if reese gets a job in indy we will obviously not be renewing our lease...regardless of all this i really want to keep decorating...it just makes the place really feel like home instead of a basic floorplan that holds our furniture. I REALLY can't wait to have our own house to decorate...it must be nice knowin the time and effort into makin the house feel homey will LAST for a while...but that's just not the chapter in life we're livin yet! All in due time...

SPEAKING of "chapter's in life"...i been getting more and more nervous about having kids...Now, have no doubt there are no plans for lil baybays anytime soon for reese and i but eventually there will be and sometimes i really worry...Not bc i dont think reese and i will be great parents...thats not an issue at all...and im not worried about the finances of havin a family consisting of more than reese and i bc the God will provide...what makes me nervous is the health of our children..I'm surrounded by parents who got pregnant and the entire pregnancy never even thought that their baby wouldn't come out "perfect" like most parents think in blissful ignorance...when you're pregnant there's so much focus on the excitement, and thoughts of how beautiful and perfect the baby will be...the only worries are usually the lack of sleep...but "oh no, what if my baby is born with a heart defect and will require open heart surgery within days of being born followed by more surgeries to come, and the possibility that he/she won't make it"...when you aren't around sick kids all the time you don't think "oh geez, yea my baby looks perfect in health NOW but what if in a year he/she develops neuroblastoma or some other cancer?" I really HATE to be debby downer, but this is what i see...i see families sitting next to their newborn unable to be held, intubated, open chested, and sustained by surgical intervention and many drugs...when I went to the PICU to observe for a night I heard stories of perfectly healthy kids who have lived perfectly healthy lives up until 17 when suddenly they were diagnosed by cancer and then pass a year later...I see the hearts of families sitting on their shoulders, and I see beautiful little babies and kids sicker then any little innocent child should be and their parents waiting with hope that soon they will be able to take their little ones home...Don't get me twisted here, I'm am all to aware that the majority of kids ARE healthy and DO make it to adulthood just like you and I have and I'm also aware that many of the kids we see and treat DO go home with mom and dad and MAN DOES THAT FEEL GOOD! But what gets to me is the thought of my baby being born sick...or living a normal child life and then suddenly we're living a whole new story...it absolutely scares the mess out of me...When I was pregnant with Tori (Jaliyah) I had NO WORRIES other than maintaining good grades and avoiding the seemingly unavoidable drama of you know who..I made sure to eat healthy and wat not but NEVER did i even consider the fact that she wouldn't be born perfect...10 fingers and 10 toes..a heart that beats strong and effectively, lungs that breathe life into her, and all the other organs that do as they were intended to...Now I feel like maurice and i are gonna get pregnant and im gonna be worried about EVERYTHING! I'm gonna make the ultrasound tech do a THOROUGH 2 hour exam of our growing little one to make sure everything is as should! AND im gonna request this lengthy exam Q2weeks!! hahaha...What keeps me sane and stops my worrying is knowing that God is good...and that HE is in control if i let Him be...and he wants all of His children to prosper...I know that I have NO control over whether my babies have heart defects or end up with cancer..I simply have no idea what the future holds...At the end of the day knowing that God is a GOOD God and a LOVING God and a HEALING God gives me peace...but my humanly thoughts often get in the way and it's hard not to question why God allows the things he does...and why can't all babies make it to adulthood? And why can't all adults live long healthy lives...especially when they took the time to actually care for their health...I just pray God will continue to prepare my heart and my mind so that when things don't go my way I will be able to face the changes with His strength and love...There's no way I'd NOT have kids just bc of my worries for them...But sometimes, seein what i see and knowing what i know, it's hard not to worry and, at times, think of the worst case scenario...Gotta keep makin my strides and allowing God to build and fill me up... and when life takes a difficult turn i hope i can remember to let HIS will be done...

WOW, this blog ended up kind of sad!!! Sad, but hopeful I guess...hope will always exist where God does! Ok...gotta spend this day wisely now that im actually awake for it! God is good...love is great...and omelets are a fabulous start to the day!!

Happy 1st day of NOVEMBER!

Can't believe it's November already! I felt like it was just yesterday I was having a persistent heart attack while studying for state boards! Now I've officially been an RN for 4 months! And it seems like Reesaferd just left to go back to school from summer break, and now he only has 45 more days til he is back **FOR GOOD**!! I'm uber excited but it hasn't fully set in yet. Basically for the past 2.5 years our relationship has been months of distance with periodic "home breaks" so I'm used to him comin home but then havin to go back...I can't wait for him to move all his stuff back and settle in at home where he belongs :) We have talked alot about our distance relationship and even though both of us would've LOVED to have been to reach out and touch each other at any given moment we see that, once again, God's way is the best way! While I do think that both of us are such good communicators that our communication would be good regardless, but we truly are SO THANKFUL for God pushing the *hold button* and creating the physical distance bw us bc we were literally forced to build a relationship on friendship, open communication, and trust. It gave us a chance to see how strong we are as a couple...while we KNOW life will provide us with plenty of other trials, we feel like these first few years hav been a trial in itself and we have done so well and hav only grown stronger in and with one another so its encouraging...I'm not gona lie tho, there were plenty of days where all i could do is play the poor old jessi show and envy those who had their loved ones w them at the drop of a dime ...and sometimes i got frustrated thinkin "God, we have a love rooted in you and a love that's genuine and true WHY must you keep us apart?" but im so thankful God knows better than me :) Me with all my issues...all my doubts that i used to hav in relationships ...w all my insecurities and in denial that i could hav a man who genuinely loves me for ALL that i am-the strong aspects of me and the parts of me that are weaker n a bit annoying even to me! lol ... But i truly believe that by seeing his persistent faithfulness and unstaggering focus on US and doing whatever he can for us and our growth even in our distance I have lost all doubt, all second guessing, all uncertainty. This man and what we have been so blessed to have and live don't go a day without moments of amazement...My growth individually and my growth in relationship have evolved beyond wat i ever couldve imagined...I see myself more and more becoming the person God designed me to be...and I'm lovin this person so much more than that crazy chic i was lettin myself become years ago...can I get an AMEN for deliverance! My naptown girls can testify to my growth i think the most hahaha. Anyhoots...ALL SMILES for the permanent return of my Mr. !!

We've been talkin alot about plans for when he's back...especially where we are gonna live and where he's goin to work. We'd like to stay in Cincinnati for several reasons: (a) his family is here and we both hav good friends here (b) we LOVE our church, Crossroads, and are biased in the belief that no other church is better haha (c) i LOVE my job at children's and dont want to leave! and (d) i love our relationship with my relatives and being a part of my cousins' lives and i wouldn't be able to be as involved if we moved back to indy (e) i kind of sorta LOVE sittin on the serpentine wall on the river and walkin thru the park and throwin football on the greenspace there on the river...such a place of peace for me. For now, Maurice is just going to apply at places in both Cincinnati and Indy and wherever he lands a good job that he can see himself enjoyin we will most likely end up. While there a definite reasons as to why I and we would like to stay here in cincy i OBVIOUSLY wouldnt mind movin back to Indy!! Love my friends, love my family, plenty of hospitals including 2 children's hospitals, and i just love the city of Indy...it'd be kind of crazy tho cuz now Chels and her familio will b movin closer to Cincinnati so we'd kind of be flip floppin when in reality we were born to be neighbors hahahaha. Another thing ive grown to love about cincinnati is the opportunity for growth and change that NEEDS to happen in this city...there are so many areas that need a little extra love, concern, and helpin hands...but then again every city has it's fair share of the need for TLC. BUT as of now we gots NO IDEAR as to wat we'll be doin cuz maurice needs to graduate first and find him a j-o-b! haha...im sure we'll end up exactly where we're meant to be so i suppose i should just let that be!!

Sooooo it's 11:30 (2330 lol) and im something ridiculously tired but i GOT to stay up til at least 3 or 4 (preferably later tho) so that i can sleep all day tomorrow and be ready for 12 hours of work tomorrow night! My body and sleep schedule thrive on routine and working 3 nights of the week and then tryin to be "normal" on the off days so to spend time w family/friends doesnt really do anything for a body that thrives on routine...very unfortunate situation at times lol...I like workin night shift for several reasons, but the main drawback is days off bc they throw me off instead of rejuvenate me and it kinda sux that i miss daylight on the regular haha...i have found that sleep is HANDS DOWN more important tho! Good thing Krogers is 24 hours....gives me something to do at night when im awake and the rest of the world is konked...I'll be out of orientation beginning of January and then I'll start rotating 3wks days 3wks nights soooo well see how that goes! I really like workin dayshift cuz there are most post-ops, i like the people, and it gets really busy with events that dont really happen on night shift...but i like workin night shift cuz i like the people who works nights as well, the slowed down environment is a breath of fresh air, and i have more time to process everything esp my patient's diagnosis and all that is involved in their care/status....but regardless of whether it's day or night the kids are just as sick and in need of a close eye and constant care...i hope rotating works bc i like both day and night shift...i just dont know if my body will be able to do it. And if it can't, my only other option is working straight nights because there aren't any positions open for straight days. We shall cross that bridge when we get there tho! For now i just gotta keep focusin on gettin better and better and learning all that i can so i can be the best nurse i can be (enter a big cheesy smile and a tacky thumbs up) ! haha...i keep remindin myself "one day at a time jessi...one day at a time"...unfortunately i cant work 4 months and hav the same beastlyness and knowledge of the nurses who have been there for 5+ years..such a shame...haha...Love what i do tho...love my babies...and i keep takin steps back to make sure im lovin the journey...this has been Nurse Jessi...OUT. oh wait PS. GO COLTS!!! 7-0 baby!!! LOVE my colts!! GO BLUE!!! :)

Oh PAYCHECKS??? Where are youuuuu???

SOOOOO I've been working full time since July, yet everytime I look at my bank account I get so bummed out bc I don't see any growth in the number next to the phrase "available balance". It's been 5 stinkin months of full time workin yieldin great paychecks so im thinkin "shouldnt my bank account say i have more moolah?!?!" It's just kind of frustrating...GRANTED i have bought ALOT of great things for the apt, i HAVE an apt, i paid OFF my car, i been able to pay all my bills/groceries/etc, and i was able to pay for my Lasik eye surgery all on my own so i can see the fruit of my labor in what I have bought/paid for but GEESH...I want to SAVE money. I want to see growth in my bank account! I know that time will come...it's just kind of frustrating for now...and I am definitely grateful for all that I have been able to pay for...I'm just ready to have savings...start investing...start building a home down payment fund!! :)

BUT life happens...car brakes wear down and need replacing, student loans need to be paid off, the monthly bills wont ever stop a-flowin...and IN TIME i know ill be able to see financial growth esp in savings...not to mention reesaferd will be graduatin in december (GO REESE!!!) so as long as we dont run into troubles with the economy in regards to hiring new grads he will be working soon too so bills will be split which will be AMAZING!! He obviously hates the fact that he can't help out financially right now, but patience is a virture...and both of us need to work on that! Me needin to be patient with seeing growth in savings...and him needin to be patient with graduating and finding a job. Lord, grant us peace and patience!!!

Anyhoots...I'm thankful for the financial situation I am in and the wonderful job I have...I'm just ready to start seeing a number that reflects growth in my savings..im ready to see the fruit of my labor via the number next to "available balance"! But for now...thankful for what i got...workin on patience for that to come in the future...p.s. life costs too much...hahaha...

My Friends..My Roots...

So this weekend reesaferd and I headed up to the 3-1-7 to celebrate 3 of my main ladies' october birthdays...Included in this fun-filled festivity was LOUD conversating and laughin (ya know..the usual) at Benihanas followed by goofin off at the Vogue (which was WHACK...but we were clownin doin our dag-gone thang so of course we had fun! DUH sillys!!). I am just *so blessed* to have such amazing friends who been by my side all the way back to the high school days...the parties, the infamous "lunch table", all of our poor choices in boyfriends (no one is exempt from this..hahaha), the vacations, the photo shoots, the STRAIGHT CLOWNIN, the drivin around thinkin we were swagalicious FOR REAL...hahahah oh GLORY thank ya Jesus for deliverance!! and for friends/family who love us even when we are a hot mess!! haha! I'm just so appreciative to have such amazing women on my team...to be the trustworthy and nonjudgmental ears when i need to vent, to be able to goof around and clown just like me, to be GENUINELY interested and invested in me and my well-being, to fellowship with, to grow with, to laugh at the past with and celebrate the present and future with, to grub with (WE GETS DOOOWWWWWNNNN), to just DO LIFE with. It is so rare to find a pack of DRAMA FREE, just enjoyin life, always ready for goofin around, and trustworthy females...and to have so many similarities but JUST enough differences to balance each other out...These ladies have seen me thru my toughest times, the best times, and all that comes in between. I just feel so proud to be surrounded by simply AMAZING women...I have many other friends ALL whom I appreciate and love as well, but this specially goes out to my 3-1-7 ladies..yall are my roots...and I cannot be more grateful for your friendship and loyalty...even tho we were ALL a hot mess in high school when we first started hangin out we all somehow turned out to be quite the fine individuals...and i think we owe that in part to eachother..for the individual and group contributions made to help shape us into who we are today...I love you guys!! And I'm so blessed to have you all to share my life with...So thankful for my roots :)

Have no fear! Chef Jessi's Here!!!

AH HAAAAAAAA CALL ME BETTY CROCKER CUZ THE CHEF IS IN THE HOUSE!!! hahaha...turns out my last minute meal idea turned out to be FANTABULOUS! it smelled delicious but i was still a little hesitant, but after i concentrated on a spoonful of my creation i was so geeked! I know it's not like it's a meal fit for the food network, and my older brother tried to put me to shame by makin some crazy ridiculous amazing tilapia meal for my dad and grandma but gosh darn it im so proud of myself for my whipped together in 10 minutes meal!!! Ya gotta start somewhere right?? Hopefully my big bruhder will show a sista some love and help me out with the upgrades!! With my mom and sean around you'd expect me to be chef-boyar-jessi!! I keep tellin myself "in time jessi...in time...." hahaha.. Here's to a delicious nutritious meal!!!! :)

A part of me wants to be like Betty Crocker...but I'm just not quite there!!

Sooooo here's the story...i get off work at 730 this mornin with the realization that i have NO FOOD at home to make a lunch for work tonight and i dont want to fork out a week's pay to buy food from the hospital (although the food is QUITE delicious if i do say so myself) SO i had a decision to make: go to subway and buy a tuna footlong for $5 and eat two meals for $2.50 a pop OR go to Kroger's in my scrubs and pick up much needed stock for the fridge. After consultation with the Mr., I made the trip to the good ol Bellevue Krogers...I RACED around the store getting what I think I needed to get by for a few days and then an inspirational meal came to mind! MAYBE i could get some buy some beef cubes, beef broth, onion soup mix...throw it in my crock-pot with cut up carrots and potatoes...let it cook all day while im snooooooozin...and then WAH-LAH! Delicious meal...????

I really wanna be a good cook...more and more I find myself wishin i made more homecooked meals and was actually good at it..lol...maybe im not the susie homemaker type, but dag-gone it ima try!! So here's to a day of my slow cookin last minute idea for a filling meal...let us pray i awake to a sweet aroma of delicious beef/carrots/potatoes so that i wont go hungry and go into debt by continuing to buy hospital dinners...

Goodnight everyone!!!!!

Fall fun with the hunny

Thanks to basketball season bein O-V-E-R for my reesaferd, he is finally able to come home more while at school and this past thursday thru sunday was his fall break so he came home for some quality T-I-M-E! Thursday was spent with me sleeping all day since i worked wednesday night, but the rest of the week i was actually able to somewhat flip to a "normal" schedule and be awake during the day...Thursday evening we went to our church small group (i LOVE my small group..love the fellowship w great people)..the discussion was a lot about our "visions" for a fruitful relationship with God, in our marriage/family life, and in our professional life. I really enjoyed this discussion especially when Reese and I got to share our vision for our marriage/family/professional life...Brian Tome (our Sr Pastor) has been talkin about how in order to grow we hav to cultivate our garden...plant the right seeds...root ourselves in Jesus...and WORK at achieving our vision of growth...I have really loved this series thus far especially bc i truly see a growth in my personal relationship with God and I also hav already seen a growth in Maurice and my relationship...the discussions that hav been sparked and the connections and visions made together i genuinely believe will help us to continue to grow with roots embedded in Christ...it does my heart SO GOOD knowin i hav a man who loves the Lord and desires a growing relationship with Him...i know that life will hav a lot of tests n difficult times ahead for the "goof troop" family (thats what maurice n i r callin our family of 2 and our future family of more..lol) but with us both rooted in Christ I truly believe there is nothing we cant handle...n that does my heart SO good..GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!

Friday we started off with our tradition of going to a $5 movie followed by a little strategic movie hopping so to actually see two movies for $5 (shweet deal right)..anyhoots! We saw "couples retreat" and "law abiding citizen"...both GRRRRRREAT movies! Couples Retreat was a light-hearted funny feel good movie followed by the intense and action packed Law Abiding Citizen...FABO...then we went to his moms house n he went "somewhere" with his mother dearest (he says they went to his moms office but there was something missing in his story...sneaky boy!! lol)...while they went wherever they went i laid down for a bit cuz i felt kinda nasty...i think i ate moldy bread wednesday night but didnt realize it till afterwards when it was discovered that all the other pieces of bread in the loaf were rather moldalicious...very unfortunate situation...anyhoots!

Felt better by Saturday mornin so i was able to stomach my suprise breakfast in bed brought by the Mr. Maitre'd...then it was football time followed by pumpkin patch/hayride/corn maze fun followed by church at the best church ever CROSSROADS and then a grand finale of a glass of Asti (basically the only "alcohol" we really like) and dancin the foxtrot in the living room to frank sinatra...hahaha hilarious image ur gettin now right? Maurice and Jessi...foxtrotting...alone...in our apartment...HAHAHHA i laugh everytime i think about it...absolutely loved it tho! We r obviously big goof balls w a love for the classics :) He's my prince charmin!!

Today...I sang the nat'l anthem at my "little sister" Michelle's volleyball game...I LOVE watching her team play..it makes me miss volleyball big time! We left early tho cuz the good ol Bengals were playin so we had to get back for the game...ok so lets get real...MAURICE had to get back for the game, I would've been fine w stayin at the vball game! But i do love football too so it worked...after the game we took a walk down by the river (one of my FAVORITE things to do) n then i had to take him half way back to school...BOOOOOOO...lol...i cant even complain tho cuz i got such a GREAT 4 days w my best friend...cant wait for December 16 when hes back for good tho!

I *LOVE* the fall so much...and im gona enjoy it while its here! but I cant

wait for thanksgiving...and then the Christmas Season cuz thatll mean

Reesaferd will be home for GOOD! FINALLY! :)

Today, I'm praying for a continued growth in Maurice and my relationship...i pray to see growth in my relationship with Jesus and i pray that the growth i obtain will produce fruit in my life and in the lives of those i share life with..I'm praying for peace in the Crider family..that they will rest in God's hand and depend on Him in this rather stressful yet exciting time..I pray that God would show them the doors that hav been opened and will continue to open now that one door has been shut..I pray that my personal "need" for control will decrease so that God can increase in my life..God, i ask that you would help me to fully remain in you as you have incessantly remained in me...I ask that you would watch over my family, friends, and loved ones...protect them from harm and guide their hearts closer to u...Put people in Tori's life so to bring her closer to you...as she grows, mold her heart into a heart that yearns for u and loves like u...i thank u for ur goodness...for all uve done in my life and for those i love...i thank u for ur mercy, ur faithfulness, ur guidance, and the peace that only u can give...open my heart...help me to love more...i look forward to growin growing closer with you n seein u even more present in my life..i pray this in the name of ur son..my savior...Jesus Christ...amen!