God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference

2 Words

Baby. Fever.

Oh my lordy have i been having baby fever!! And for a while now! Sometimes are worse than others...like somedays i actually get kinda of nervous and/or intimidated bc my mind likes to wander from me and unfortunately doubt enters my mind more than id like (good thing is i got my homeboy Jesus on my side to get rid of those thoughts when they try and pop up!! lol)...its really stupid stuff that i "fear" too......like what if i turn into a "mommy only" kinda of mom and forget to just be me and then suddenly hav a crazy weirdo breakdown?...what if my kids think im supposed to be superhuman and then i let them down?...or (brace yourselves...this fear is AWESOME) what if our kids dont like me and they only like their dad??? BAHAHAHA! im not lying when i say i actually THINK these things...and i realize its hilarious especially when verbalized...but this is just a small sliver of the unfortunate side of my mind.

Anyhoots! Aside from all of that stuff I am SUUUUUUPER excited for little ones!! I think Reese and I will do a really great job as parents and I hope one day we can look at what we have helped mold and raise and pat ourselves on the back knowing the world that will continue on when we're gone will be better off because of the genuinely GOOD people we've left behind. I don't mind of they make mistakes along they way (bc they indefinitely will- good ole free will-...i hope they arent MAJOR mistakes but if they r i hope they will be better for it)....i just hope they have christ-like hearts, they put God above all, they do good by others regardless of how others do by them, they know and live love, they can admit their mistakes and flaws and then keep on walking, and they can love themselves for who they are and love others for who they are...

Reese and I were laying on the hammock yesterday and i just looked at him and took so much pride that he would be the father of my babies...i started to hope that our little boys would grow up just like their daddy...i hoped our girls boyfriends/husbands would treat them just like their daddy treats their mommy...i got so excited at the fact that reese and my love could be so powerful that it could bring a little one into this world....a little product of our love to hold :) just so flippin awesome i love it!

i got a lot of people (married people with kids) that tell me that "everything changes" when kids come into the picture and "wait for a while before u have kids so u can enjoy ur time together"...i can understand how things will be different...wont have alone time whenever we want....wont have "free time"...will always be having to cater to the kids...blah-zay-blah...YES i can see that life might be a little bit more stressful...little less go with the flow and spontaneous...but what about all the JOYS that come with little ones? cant kids bring a marriage together bc ur communication has to be ON POINT...wouldnt ur love grow everytime u looked at the product of ur love? not to mention we'll have an excuse to do all the fun "kid" activities that we love doing but we look kinda ridiculous doing it together as adults without kids lol...and we've already determined that we are going to live close to family/friends that can watch our kids bc our MARRIAGE COMES FIRST...yes we will love our kids like crazy and bc we love them so much well be talkin about em all the time even when we rnt around them but we gotta have TIME TO OURSELVES....ATLEAST one date night a month...we r shooting for 2 though...and im definitely gona have barnes and nobles days (without kids) to regain sanity and have some silence so just drop the kids off at the parentals or a friends house for an hour or two, get some jessi time, then come back... i realize this isnt the reality for many people bc they dont live by family and have to pay for and find babysitters or their family is too busy bc they have a life of their own as well...but ive already recruited a team of family/friend babysitters and im holding them to it!! haha

anyhoots...kids are blessings...and i just cant wait for reese and to share in that...and im not gona lie i love preggo bellies so i cant wait to have a one again :) minus the super swollen feet and pre-eclampsia tho hahaha...this time around (whenever that time is) is gona be MUCH different lol and im already excited for it...

for now ill keep on loving the family of 3 (reese, me, and berfie- our cat- ) and ill cherish the spontaneity we have now and the slow relaxing lounge around days that we're able to share!

Tales from the bedside

First of all...if anyone from my cchmc residency has just read the title of this blog--> BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!! lol and I hope ur final presentations were just dandy lol

Ok...so now what I wanted to write about...

Old news: I work in a NICU now...

Today news: my heart breaks with every withdrawal baby that i hear scream, see tremble, and hold tightly trying to calm them...

We get more withdrawal babies than id like to know exist (although even prior to this job i knew that unfortunately there are MANY babies out there born addicted to drugs)...knowing they are out there breaks my heart...holding them in my arms...borderline rips my heart out and absolutely crushes me.

Today I walked over to a little babe's crib...who wasn't my baby for the day but the nurse was busy and the little one was screaming so since i had some downtime i made my way over to his bedside...I pulled the little munchkin out of his crib, held him tight, and assisted him w his paci (some babies need a little help holding that bad boy in there haha)...after a minute or so (which felt like a LIFETIME) of him bursting out with a shrilling cry i found myself just staring at him...staring into those suffering eyes..hurt by the feel of his tremoring little frame...

A part of me just wanted him to get it together, quiet down, and snuggle into my arms...but i grew sadder knowing that he couldnt calm down bc of choices someone else made for him...whether intentional or not. Then I actually wanted him to scream. Because honestly...he was dealt some SERIOUS cards right out of the gates...and the reality he was born into just isnt fair...

He finally calmed down...so i propped him up on my chest...his little diaper booty in one hand...my other hand laid on top of him...my head snuggled up next to his. And my heart just sank. If it would've been just me and him in a room alone a tear PROBABLY would've found it's way down my cheek.

I didn't want to put him down. Ever. I wanted to KNOW he'd end up going home to a healing mommy...and not just added to the vicious cycle of addition. I wanted him to know that his mommy had a rough path of her own she was traveling..and I wanted to know that she loved herself and him enough to continue to get help...and i prayed hed grow up knowing her in a different way, forgiving her for mistakes, and for being better for it. Then I thought of her...about what kind of journey she's lived thus far...about how she got here, looking into the face of her son who was withdrawing....about the pain she most surely carries in her heart...about the layers and strategies she uses to hide that pain.

And gosh darn it my heart just HURT!!! And it still does...for the mother who found herself caught in the web of addiction...and for the baby who didnt ask for this....

Addictions, whatever type they may be, stem from a story....a story sometimes so deep the individual that is addicted cant even pinpoint when and where the story began...they dont even realize the story exists. Unfortunately, that individual's addiction will indefinitely affect SOMEONE in their life...whether the effect is a positive or negative one simply depends...but indefinitely SOMEONE will be affected. In some cases...the affected can choose whether to stick around or not...in a newborn's case...they never had a choice. It's just plain and simply unfair..

By no means is this a bash on the mom(s) of withdrawal babies...the moms are just as sick as the babes and my heart breaks just as much for them...for the cycle they have fallen into...i just pray that the ones that do get help while they are pregnant continue to get help...and i pray for the moms who genuinely dont seem to care...bc i can bet that if they could be removed from the life they are currently living (and have usually lived for a long time) and truly given a FRESH START (which unfortunately is borderline impossible for most) u would find them on their knees...and the pain that they've been forced to bury deep will weep out along the tears...

Praying for these babies tonight...praying for their mommies....praying for that breaking point to be NOW...praying for a turn around...praying for the second (or 10,000th) chance that will break them free....

Freedom :)

So we've been at this debt snowball business (courtesy of dave ramsey FPU) for about 3.5 months now and have already knocked off around $10,000 of debt!!! Granted we've been workin our tails off to do it and have really been disciplined with our budget...its just so nice to see the fruit of our hard work tho!

And then as we were goin over our budget and debt snowball for the next month we just got so excited bc its not going to be too much longer till we are debt free! Freedom from being enslaved to the lender!!! And then what's even more exciting is that once we are debt free, we'll save up an emergency fund of 3-6 months of living expenses, and then we can save for our house down payment!!!! AHHHH that just excites me so much! Well..sometimes i get nervous about the whole owning a house business (WE hav to fix everything when it messes up..WE have to pay for storm damage..etc etc)...i guess what i think is most exciting is just the freedom that comes w being debt free...it feels good to manage our money instead of our money managing us...money can have as much power as u allow urself to give it... im just super excited to be free from debt and then have US managing money for our goals and dreams...

and i really really really just want everyone to be able to feel this same way...too many people r slaves to that good ol greenery...now dont get me wrong we all need money...and money in itself is not good...nor bad...its neutral...and its wat we make it...i just feel like too often we give money the power and then we let money manage us...and then before u know it ur strugglin to tread above water...

i REALLY feel like a basic how to manage ur money class should be required in high school bc its not very often kids/teens will hear about money and how to manage it prior to college...

anyhoots....im now getting distracted by the tv...old episode of greys...the one w the bomb in the guys' chest...perfect location...anyhoots...i suck and hav lost all ability to continue this blog... main point: excited about the future and being debt free...hoping that others feel/will feel this way too...

Life as a Newbie

Well...here I am again...one year later I am yet again finding myself as the "newbie" in the unit...I'm a perdy outgoing individual so me being shy is no issue..and i like people...yet another "plus" when "starting over" and meeting new people...but it still kinda blows. Especially when I came from a unit where i actually enjoyed going to work simply cuz i worked with fun, great people! I was most DEFINITELY spoiled...

So far in the NICU everyone has been pleasant..and rather nice. Haven't met an "eat your young" type of nurse yet...but there is an obvious difference in atmosphere when reminiscing on my clownin days at children's..Naturally, I crack up at about...well...everything. I picture things in my mind and somehow make them into this ridiculously obsurd extension of what it really is and then will literally start laughing out loud to myself. It got me in trouble back in the school days...lol.

In the CICU i had enough goofy people to clown w on the regular so never did i feel bottled up with all of my own self-made funnies...in the NICU i just keep getting the urge to make the babies dance w me (obviously the ones who r stable enough...come on now i know my lines and do not cross them lol) or make up songs for the babies but then i just look REALLY STUPID (more than usual) bc i have no one to share in the fun w me other than with the newborn who either a) don't open their eyes much or b) can open their eyes but just stare back at me blankly like "seriously lady?"

I'm hoping that it's just cuz the people take a bit longer to open/loosen up bc not sure if they got the memo but we are there for 12.5 hours..12.5 FOLKS...so I'm gona need for us to find that lovely balance between work and having fun doing wat u do! Or maybe they are having fun...and the kind of free-spirited, lively, goofy fun i love is just not their kind of fun. Which is totally fine...obviously we are all made different. But that leaves little ole jessi bottled up w the burning desire to make a baby do the chicken dance only to hesitate bc she'd run the risk of exile and transport str8 to the psych floor..well...atleast that's how i feel. lol. I dramatize occasionally :)


In all seriousness tho i think i just miss my crew at children's...my goofy spirit was able to flouish there amongst the other loonies that surrounded me. And i think i had more people "like" me in the sense of socializing...outgoing...fun-loving..always lookin for a laugh...and awesome (awesome only pertaining to me tho of course hahahaha jk jk jk)....Not to mention the CICU was a louder, faster paced environment so being loud and large spirited was kind of a given...i fit in rather well in that environment lol

I'm still thinkin positive tho...and im still GRATEFUL cuz i def work with nice people so maybe im being greedy for not just bein happy w that. Plus, there's always something to learn from others...esp those who r different than u so the contrast could very well be a good thing...maybe ill realize ive been too loud and rambunctious all these years. In fact, my friends and i WERE told at camp in the 6th grade that we were, and i quote, "too happy" lol ....I dunno tho...dont think there's much harm in hoping for the ability to say u love the people u work with, u enjoy goin into work bc of the crew u get to work alongside, n u actually have FUN at work bc of that crew...i honestly think it's extremely important to have that bc when ur day is super stressful and ur kid isn't doin so well its nice to have the support and the pick-me up from a friend who's rt there and can relate...

Attitude is everything so im stayin positive...lookin for the best in the NICU and the lovely people ive met so far...prayin God would use me here in the way He needs me to...and hoping i keep the "lines of communication open" so i can actually receive wat He has to say and do wat He wants me to do...

In the mean time...ill continue in the life as a newbie...and my search for a clowning buddy will continue haha...just give me one and ill make my schedule identical to theirs hahahha..once again...i dramatize things sometimes lol..anyhoots...

FORWAAAAAAARD MARCH!!

ps. shout outs to my cicu clownin buddies...the laughter u produced is greatly missed...

Tis official

Tis official! Jessi and Maurice are moving and settling in the one and only Indianapolis, IN! My interviews went GREAT! The managers and staff were all amazing...the decision came down to working in Rileys PICU or Methodist's NICU and I ended up choosing the NICU!! I ended up choosing the NICU for several reasons (many of them being listed in my last post). I'm really excited for the new opportunities of workin in the NICU and workin w the moms/families. I really hope to eventually get connected with Life Centers or other agencies in the community that work with "pregnancy related crisis" situations and also gettin involved in schools maybe down the road (in hopes to decrease the rate of teen pregnancy, help teen moms find resources and succeed as moms and in school, and to help decrease the incidence of premature babies). I really think this new door that's openin will bring a whole new world of great opportunities!

It's all still very bittersweet tho. We will be leavin behind an AWESOME church and church community, friends, and family...and I will be leavin my job here at Children's that I love so much..i love our patients, what i do, and the people i work with. I feel so blessed to have been placed here and i really think the skills and experiences i gained here have truly made a strong foundation for me to build on. I'm super bummed about leavin all my awesome co-workers tho...it can be QUITE the high stress environment around here but everyone works so well together (well..MOSTLY everyone...lol) and i can clown and have fun here too...its not all Mr. Serious all the time..BORING! hahaha. Yes indeedy..my fellow co-workers here will be very much missed...

God has done so much for Reese and I and I know He has great plans for us with this move and in our future! Lookin forward to the changes...grateful for all He's already given and the wonderful people he puts in my life...

Interviews

SOoooOooo Last Friday I interviewed both in Rileys PICU and Methodists NICU. Prior to going to the interviews I was thinking I would hands down like the PICU position more and wouldn't really like the NICU. I shadowed both units and really liked both!!! And I liked the NICU a WHOLE lot more than i thought i would. Of course there's the part where ya fall in love w all the little babies...ummm YES adorable! Just wanted to snuggle them all. But then there's still the part where I'd be able to work in a unit with high acuity and yet also get to do alot of teaching and actually SEE my babies grow and get healthy enough to go home! How rewarding! I *love* what i do now in the CICU, but very rarely do we actually get to see the progress our kids make. Our focus is more on their current critical state...get them stable and them send them to the step-down unit. I mean don't get me wrong its AMAZING seeing all of our interventions help these kidos and seeing them go from near-dead to crying and feeding and headin to the step-down. But we dont get much time to see the long term progress of the kids. In the NICU i would be able to really see my babies grow AND id have more time to actual do teaching and work with the parents. Something that REALLY excites me abou the NICU is that alot of the moms are young moms from the downtown area and what got me into nursing was that i wanted to work with young moms from underserved areas so i really feel like this could open alot of doors to a whole new world for me! Not to mention there are alot of organizations in indy for help for young moms/moms in need of resources due to socioeconomic status which i would love to be a part of. I have always had such a passion for helping to give babies the best possible chances and i feel like working with the parents is where it starts...so really, I'm rather excited about the idea of working in the NICU. I'm still really likin the idea of the PICU as well just because I would learn SOOOOO much because of all the exposure...itd be sad bc id be gettin normal healthy kids who now, at the age of 7, have a non-operable brain tumor and is dying...or id be gettin the child abuse cases, the MVAs, the drownings...there's definitely a whole lot of sad in the PICU..but so much opportunity to make a difference by our interventions.

So the second round of my interviews is this friday...i will have peer interviews at both units and then hopefully i will hear whether or not they are extending a job offer. Been prayin alot about where God wants me to be soooo we shall see!!!

ps. what BLOWS is that my first peer interview is at 8 AM on friday...and im working tonite (wednesday night) so ill sleep alot of tomorrow...and my body will be used to bein up all night so might not sleep all that hot thursday night...maybe ill just take a little nap and then stay up all night and just go to the interviews starting at 8 in the FREAKIN MORNING! Glory...lol. Atleast I got a big stretch off from work to get some rest!!! Come on 5 days off!! Although now that i think about it...the first few days will be RATHER busy..interviews and traveling thursday/friday...moving to the new apt sat/sunday...and then fun busy=reeses bday and fathers day!!! wats REAL crazy is we will moving AGAIN in september but that time to good ol indy!!! moving blows lol

Anyhoots! lots of exciting stuff coming up!! excited for the changes