Over the weekend I had the blessing of being a bridesmaid in one of my good friend's wedding...I had such a GREAT time with friends and sharin debbie and josh's special day with them!! The ceremony and reception were put together so beautifully and everything ran smoothly. Debbie seemed 100% stress free and they both seemed to really enjoy their day. Now I am becoming even more impatient for reese and my wedding. Oct 30 seems so stinkin far away!! We are really enjoying wedding planning tho and the whole "engagement phase". I've heard from so many people that wedding planning is super stressful, but we havent experienced that at all! As of now all we really have to do is book our photographer (who we already have picked...we just have to send the check in), book the cake person, and start lookin into florists.

I'm still unsure whether i wanna do silk flowers or real flowers...if i buy silk flowers on sale i can save a lot of money and they are still beautiful PLUS they wont die and i can make them/put the bouquets together way before the wedding. But i can also save money with fresh flowers by buyin them straight from the grower and then assembling the bouquets on my own w some help with friends/family. I really like that idea but just worry cuz we'd have to put the flowers together the day before the wedding which puts us at risk of having flower problems and then not havin time to pull something else together! I dunno i dunno i dunno...got time to figure it out tho. If anyone has any input let a sista know! :)

I'm just so excited for the wedding tho...I can't wait to be Mrs. Brown..i cant wait to walk down the aisle surrounded by all our friends and family and marry my knight in shining armor :) Debbie's wedding seemed to fly by SO FAST and it made me sad in a way cuz i know that if i thought it went fast then debbie probably thought it FLEW by...and as the bride im sure the day will fly by for me too but i dont want it too!!! I want to slow things down whenever and wherever i can so we can hopefully take it all in and enjoy our day as much as possible! I just feel like im all geeked and excited for our wedding day and ill be this way still for like 7 more months and then in one day it will all be over! But then i suppose the upside is we will then have SO MUCH to look forward to as married couple, future parents, etc. Oh yea...ps. i have been havin baby fever like CRAZY!!! CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY!! I just can't wait to pour my love out into our little ones...reese is gonna be such an amazing dad and i cant wait for all the fun times that havin a little one will bring. Not to mention i feel like our kids are gonna be flippin hilarious and awesome so i cant wait to be entertained lol. I feel like reese and i will entertain our kids just as much as theyll entertain us...we call our family unit the "goof troop" which is too perfect of a title. I've just always felt like a calling of mine is to build into youth and i cant wait to help our very own little one's grow :) We eventually want to be foster parents and/or adopt as well (or if thats God's plan from the get go then we'll do it when called upon), but im really excited for that too. I just feel like ive had all this love poured into me that it is only dutiful and necessary to pour it back out and there isn't a better way than to pour the love into those that are looking up to me for that very love, guidance, and security. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHh i just cant wait for marriage, little ones, and all the other blessings God has for us! And i just cant help but be excited for our kids just cuz i really think they r gonna be hilarious...some real pieces of art thats for sure! hahaha! anyhoots enough of all that.

Headin to a marriage conference at Notre Dame this coming weekend so hoping to take in a lot of really great info and continue to build the foundation already laid for reese and my marriage. Not to mention ill get to see family from south bend and my godson!!!! I dont get to see my big bruhder, sister-in-law, and nephew NEARLY as much as i wish i could. If i lived by them id watch keaton on all my days off when they were at work. I hope that someday all my brothers and i can live close to eachother so we can spend more time together...and not just for certain occassions like holidays/birthdays/etc. I wanna be able to just throw together a cookout on a random weekend and have all them and their girlfriends/wives/kids/etc around to kick it with. Maybe someday!! What's crazy about all that longing for being close to them is that reese and have been contemplating temporarily moving somewhere WARM year round for a while (like florida or california type of states ya digssss). I could do traveling nursing so we wouldnt have to pay for rent/utilities/health insurance AT ALL and he could find a job for the length of time im contracted and we can just soak up the fabo weather and fabo savings! Plan is ideal but not sure if itll ever happen...especially if we have kids soon after we are married cuz i dont know how i feel about being new to an area with a little one with no family/friends nearby. It's a thought tho! lol. Anyhoots...probably should get back to work...it's been a slow night so far and im hopin it stays this way so i can chill and get some non-work stuff done! Anyhoots...Be real. Love God. Love yourself. Eat fluffy biscuits. And don't skip breakfast.

When freedom comes

This is a song sung at a service at my church, Crossroads. It is a part of what is called our "free journey" that the entire church community is participating in right now...this song speaks to me in ways that i can not describe. Music, even without words, can move me into an entirely different frame of mind...take my spirit out of my body...and it helps me make sense of my emotions and helps me to share what im feeling internally with others in a way that i cannot do with simple words. Music is my avenue of emotional relief...a form of freedom...and an integral component to my sanity. I'm so thankful for having this outlet...this avenue...this method of connection...and im grateful for the musicians that have been given this gift that they give me..and im grateful that God has given me an outlet by putting this spirit of music in my heart...bringing it to my ears and into my mind...and bringing my spirit to life thru the music i make...

http://crossroads.net/downloads/playMedia/idMedia/1029

We all need freedom from something. There is SOMETHING or SOMETHINGS that we are in bondage to. Chains that we have allowed to burden us and that hinder us from becoming the potential of who God created us to be. I am all too aware of those things that keep me in bondage...my mind gets the best (or more appropriately said the WORST) of me...i become overwhelmed with a lack of patience...i often get short-tempered over little things that TRULY don't matter. I often hold myself to ridiculous expectations even when i KNOW these expectations are not of God and are NOT important to me gainging personal wealth. I sometimes expect others to be on the same page as me...to do unto me as i would do unto them...to automatically understand me at my core and even to be able to relate with me at that level...I am in bondage to expectations. To unnecessary standards. To my impatience and short-temper that pop far more frequently than they used to. To my belief that maurice and i should be on the same wave length at all times and if we aren't one of us is wrong. I'm in bondage to my thoughts. The thoughts that tell me i could've prevented something from happening...the thoughts that make me think i am in control of an outcome and therefore when the outcome isnt what i expected it to be i get frustrated even while at the SAME TIME knowing that God's plan is not MY plan (and that it's best that way). In bondage to maurice and my old baggage that randomly infiltrates our union when it all needs to be left in the past viewed as a stepping stone to get us to where we are NOW. In bondage to jealousy. Jealous of maurice's natural calm spirit and consistent patience. His ability to simply go with the flow and let be what is to be. In bondage to the resentment that i often have towards him for not having to experience the bondage to control/expectations/high standards/and negative thinkin that will occassionally flood my mind.

God wants me to be free from all of this. To be the person He created me to be. To be the person I am 98% of the time and to be free from those pop-up moments of being dragged down by chains..cuz even tho i dont have those moments too too often, when i DO have them they consume me entirely leaving me in a far from light place. A place that feels far and distant from God. And distances me from the man I love so much and who loves me more than i could ever have imagined.

Freedom from myself may take time...the road may hav some rough spots as i work thru letting parts of me die so that I can live in the freedom God wants for me...those rough spots will be all worth it tho..."when freedom comes it will be worth it..." God I pray for your freedom. For your peace and calm. For your joy. Release me from all that keeps me in bondage. Hear the cries of those still kept in chains, whatever those chains for that individual may be. May we all find the freedom you desire us to have. Amen....

"When the freedom comes...it will be worth it...

it will be worth it..when it comes to you

cuz you've got too much on your shoulders

Too much in your head

Too much in your heart...that's poisonous

Root deep, I see, things that keep you from seeing me

My will be done. In everyone.

Cuz you've got burdens on your shoulders.

LIES in your head. Pain in your heart.

That wants you dead.

Spirit, open their eyes. Open their minds. Open their hearts.

And help them know...truth from a lie..foe from a friend

**THAT I AM FOR THEM**

cuz i want FREEDOM on their shoulders

PEACE in their heads

LOVE in their hearts

Again..."

It's been a long time..i shouldnt have left u...

...without a dope beat to step to...step to...step to step to step step to..step to...bricky bricky bricky! Ok...fa real tho its been a long time since ive blogged! Been super busy with fun and exciting wedding planning business, work, and most recently DEBBIE'S (aka d-beezy, d-bizzle, big D) BACHELORETTE PARTY!!! So that's what im gona blog about today...deb's night out (group shot located on the left)!

We started out the night at the hotel in Cbus...gettin all perdy, puttin the gear on, and OPENING PRESENTS!!! I think everyone enjoyed THAT!! Deb's def got some great gifts...hopefully she puts them all to use hahaha. After presents we hopped on the free shuttle to Mongolian Grill for din din. Note to self: pre-think what u want to be eating for dinner and what will taste good in a stir-fry before goin to mongolian grill again! haha. I was so lost. And very overwhelmed. It was silly busy and i was takin forever to try and decide what i thought MIGHT taste good together in my stir fry bowl...i ended up with steak, shrimp, chicken, veggies, potatoes, and BUFFALO SAUCE hahaha...after the grillers threw my sauce onto my mixture i just sat there lookin at my food sauteing and i was thinkin "for real jessi? buffalo sauce on ur stir fry?" My face made evident my lack of confidence in my ingredient choices. One of the grillers turned around and was like " wat u dont trust that we know wat we're doin?!" and im like "(SIGH)my guy my guy my guy.....i dont trust MYSELF!" hahaha...it turned out ok tho...not too shabby. To tag along with my obvious "i dont belong here" feelin I was in stilettos...silver sparkly strappy big bad boy stilettos in accompaniment with an outfit fit for a night on the town...unlike many of the friendly faces wearing hoodies and jeans (jessi's normal attire lol). We definitely stood out as divas goin out for a bachelorette party should!! :) Deb's was decked out in sashes, blinking buttons, a veil, and a crown so i think it was a bit obvious wat we were up too that night.

Then...it was time to make the treacherous journey to the bar (called BIG BANG..it was a piano bar...never been to one.. WAY FUN...a little more country than i like but it was alot of fun!!) I thought i was gona die trudging in my heels to the bar. Rachel, debbie's sister, made a statement earlier that night that the bar was "right across the street from mongolian grill". I got juked!! haha... i love u rachel but that was NOT right across the street...especially not in stilettos and with no coat on a cold night (although that was my own personal FAIL of a decision..dont judge me) haha. But once we got there it was all fun times! We immediately had a round of shots bought for us and we managed to wiggle our way down to the front and get a table! HEYYYYY!!!! Next time we go we gotta get there earlier tho so we can get a table DEAD CENTER on the floor. Deb's would've got more attention and moments of embarrassment if we woulda been closer. It's ok tho...she still got up on stage!!! "HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND TOES KNEES AND TOES. BOOBS! BOOBS!BOOBS! BOOBS!" hahahha! awesome lol

For the rest of the night it was just all fun times! Boogyin on down..a drinky drinky here and a drinky drinky there...enjoyin every second of it! But then...the night took a turn for the worse. The bar was closin down (yeaaaaa we shut it down yall haha) and we called for our taxis. Suddenly, a guy that works at the bar goes "ummm im really sorry but i think ur taxis just got taken by those people"...WHAT?!?! how were we supposed to know it was OUR taxi THEY were gettin into?! and why didnt the bar guy stop them sooner?!?! Well, then they told us we couldnt wait inside the bar anymore soooo it was -700 degrees outside, i had no coat, killer stilettos on, and my feet were DYIN!! We were walkin closer to the main busy road to try and get a taxi only for me, rachel, and i think katie to suddenly be in the back of a pizza place. "Uh uh girls you gotta go!" DANG IT! We needed warmth!! Y couldnt she help a sister out! We eventually got a FREE ride home from angie's biffers (amen alleluiah...God bless his innocent soul with all us loud females packed in the car).

We finally got back to the hotel (insert: we didnt pay for transportation THERE or BACK! shweeeet) and literally within 5 minutes of bein back we had security called on us! FOR REAL?!?!?! FOR REAL PEOPLE?!?! we havent even been back for 5 minutes...thats not NEARLY long enuf to cause such a disturbance that would necessitate a security call. Get over yourselves people! I can understand if we stayed loud for a long time but we literally didnt hav enuf time to even let ourselves simmer! GEESH! We were all too knocked to even hav lasted another 10 minutes...the testy grump shoulda waited a bit longer cuz the only thing she/hed woulda been able to call about then was how loud we were snoring! Eh...watever tho...just glad we didnt get evicted lol. It was DEF nice to have the weekend out with the ladies...the drive up and back with my gurls provided great convos of nursing, our men, our lives, etc and the time with deb's and the other bridesmaids was great too! Nothin to worry about..just havin fun w the ladies and most importantly celebrating debbie's SOON TO wedded statismo!! CANT WAIT FOR THE WEDDING!!! We just might have to hit up the piano bar again that weekend! It was too fun to pass up!!! I can't wait for my bachelorette now too!! Chels and I have been brewin up some shweeeeeet ideas! GEEKED!!!

Ok...well it's back to work tomorrow so i need some snoozies....im STILL recovering from our fun-filled weekend so sleep is a MUST with these 12 hour work days!! Wats sad tho is that im more so recovering just from bein out so late...i mean i drank which i havnt done in QUITE a while but i really think it was the 3 somethin a.m. bedtime that REALLY got me. im a pansy. i know it. and thats fine! carry on!!! Now for some sleep so i can be at my FULL potential to save lives at the good ole j-o-b and CHANGE THE OUTCOME!! lol

GASP! Someone has soiled the air!!

My farts smell REALLY BAD. As in I wish I could separate myself from my bum bum bc this is torture. I've been tryin to stay seated with a blanket over me in order to keep the incessant episodes of flatulence trapped from the free world. Unfortunately this also poses a problem in that once i stand up (i can only sit down for so long GEESH!) all that has been trapped is released into the air and IT. IS. BRUTAL.

Reese says he still loves me. It's just his nostrils that can't stand me right now. I'm not gonna lie...I CANT STAND BEING AROUND ME RIGHT NOW. Lord MAKE IT END!!!! Save me from myself!!!!! JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!!!!

Bought to go out and eat...hopefully this subsides STAT or else the people around me won't be enjoying their food that much...although it might be funny watching other peoples' faces and reactions knowin that im the reason for such expression hahahaha...

And now...a moment of silence for all the olfactory nerves/receptors lost in this tragic event...

Love is in the air

Ahhhh yes...love is in the air...but not JUST cuz it's valentine's day...no no no...that's just a coincidence. Love is just, plain and simply, in the air.

Obviously for a few days i have been in mourning after the devastating event last Sunday (also known as the colts essentially only PLAYIN playin for the first quarter of the superbowl which resulted in the Saints walked away being the champions. Dont get me wrong..im not tryin to downplay the Saints talent bc they r a great team and when credit is due it must be given..BUT i DO think the end result would've been different if the colts would've actually played the whole game). ANYHOOTS...i never abandoned my love and fidelity to the colts but i def was in mourning...I am feeling the love tho again...love for the Saints for playin their hearts out and love for my colts even tho they really disappointed me to the point where i think i deserve a PERSONAL apology.

Another love circulating in the air around here is love for my body/health! And for reese's too! We are really taking some serious steps to start living healthier lives. We've never been terribly unhealthy buuuuuuuut we def have had some serious room for improvement. We've really started to get serious with not just exercising (which we both enjoy to do anyhoots) but we are really tryin to eat healthier, buy healthier foods, etc. We've never been the greatest at cooking for ourselves, but it's starting NOW!! We like spending the time with eachother while cooking and it's such a great feeling knowing that the end product was our creation and it's actually good for us! What a concept lol. So that's our newest gig: loving ourselves enough to take the time to cook for ourselves and try our hardest to let the MAJORITY of the food that goes in us to be something that's actually going to be of nutritional benefit to us. I say "majority" because let's be real...we aren't setting ridiculous goals of cutting out all sweets (ooohhh how i love cupcakes and other baked delights), red meat, etc. We just realize that those foods need to be very minimum and infrequent.

My next area of love that is lofting around in my life is one that isn't necessarily NEW, but continues to grow and continues to amaze me. Not too hard to guess that this would be talking about reese and the love we share. My parents came down Saturday and the four of us made a day of checking out reception sites in hopes to find one that we could book. Low and behold...we found one!!! Walking around Elements (the site) I just got so excited and as we sat and talked to the wedding coordinator about packages, decorating ideas, and other "big day" plans i was just bubbling up inside with excitement...everything became so REAL...we now had a date, church, and reception site and that all just sank in and i just felt so overwhelmed with joy that YES our wedding IS going to happen...we know when...and we know where...everything else will fall into place. I literally SKIPPED out of the building as we left and grabbed reese's hand i was so overwhelmed with joy hahaha. THEN i got even MORE GREAT news about our wedding day...I received confirmation that my birth-daughter, Tori, will be our flower girl!!! For so long I dreamed that she would be in my future wedding (even before i knew i would be getting married!)...i couldn't think of anything else making the special day THAT much more special. Tori and her family will all be in attendance at our wedding and that brings me more happiness that i can even begin to try and verbalize. In my mother dearest's words.."my cup overfloweth" :)

Finally, today at church was the last segment of the series called "Manly" which has been alot about men and the sociocultural views of what makes a man vs wat GOD has said makes a man. At the end of the POWERFUL service the men were asked to come down to the front to receive a blessing and to affirm that YES they wanted to be men of God...live it walk it breathe it...Not every man got up and took the offer of comin to the front and i didnt want to even look at maurice so that if he went up there it would entirely be HIS choice. Sure enough, he got up...asked me to just wait where i we were sitting...and he made his way into the line that led him to the front. As he stood there in line I looked down on him (we had been sittin on the second balcony) and my heart overflowed with pride and love for him. For a while i continued to sing along with the music, but then i just stopped and started praying. Thanking God for planting the seed in my future husband's heart, and being overfilled with joy that maurice has let that seed grow. I sat there so humbled that God would think so much of maurice and i to have given us each other. And i am so grateful that I have been blessed with the ability to give and receive love and that i have been able to experience here on earth a love so great that it leaves me in awe. The song lyric couldn't be more fitting.."God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you"...there have been so many twists and turns, and ups and downs in my life thus far and all of them have been so worth it bc without it all i would not be right here. right now.

Now it can be hard now and then this whole relationship/marriage business...marriage means LIFE..it means i love him enough to challenge him, grow into him, submit myself to him...and that means he's doin the same for me...and while he takes the whole challenging business pretty well i on the other hand dont always respond with a big smile when he challenges me even when deep down i know right there and then that i should be challenged and i DO need to re-think things/actions..no no no...very often my gut reaction to his challenges (as loving and necessary as they are) and the challenges that come along with making a relationship work is frustration/impatience/resistance bc it OFTEN means I have more to work on. And well frankly, sometimes id rather not admit im imperfect and that i have to tweak things here and there...i mean geez wats wrong with a little ignorant bliss every now and then?! haha. Trust me...after i get over the initial reaction to the challenge i welcome the challenge with open arms bc its these challenges that are helping me to become who God created me to be and they are helping maurice and i become the husband and wife we were created to be. Regardless of how much you love someone, how much u "click", and how "good" of people u are relationships TAKE WORK. We all have a selfish gene in us that we have to fight thru...more often than not we naturally want to satisfy ourselves in the immediate moment rather than embrace challenges that take time but produce a much more magnificent result. I'm just so blessed to have someone who challenges me, not simply to be a pest and difficult, but because he truly loves me enough to help me be greater than i even knew i could be. He sees in me wat i dont and he challenges me with love to bring wat is buried underneath to the surface. And I lovingly do the same for him. Once again, not to prove someone's wrong or point out flaws out of spite etc...simply loving someone so much to help them become who God intended them to be. I can't say it enough...i am SO HUMBLED and SO THANKFUL that God would love maurice and i enough to give us eachother and the gift of genuine love. And im even more thankful that we were given the ability to SEE, APPRECIATE, and RECEIVE the gift of one another.

Looking forward to a relaxing Friday night...

So last weekend I worked Fri, Sat, Sunday night...then I had monday and tuesday off which I spent making phone calls to and visiting potential reception sites with the hubsters (which partly was torture because i got up early in order to make the phone calls and visit during "normal business hours" but for the most part the time was enjoyed). Then i worked wednesday and thursday night and now its Friday morning and I'm lookin forward to a few nights off!! I think ill wake up a LITTLE early today (maybe like 4ish? ok who am i kiddin ima need to sleep till atleast 5...ya gotta remember im goin to bed around 9am!) make a few phone calls and then hopefully have a *super dee duper* relaxing evening with the future Mr.

Forecast says we're getting a "winter storm" so im hoping to make some yummy dinner together, sip some hot cocoa, light some candles, and snuggle up and watch movies! I'll probably read some of my book, too (called "Committed"...i *love* it).

Then, Saturday is the *SUPERBOWL* of preaching at Crossroads! I'm so excited!! I absolutely love our church communit. I've been praying alot about my "issue" regarding catholicism vs protestant (i guess thats wat we'll call the whole scenario lol), and I really feel like God's been speakin to my spirit in little ways...Maurice and I have been going to a catholic service and crossroads on the weekends and are tryin to do that every weekend to fully engage in this search for wat God wants of us. As of now, I still have no definite answer...which is fine w me becuz im atleast at *peace* and i really wasnt for a little bit as i was trying to figure out this whole "religion" battle on my own...Now im trustin more that God knows my heart and hears my questions and frustrations and I know that, in time, I'll get my answer...but for now he's given me peace and dog-gone it that's fine with me indeed!!

Then...the finale of the weekend....*SUPERBOWL SUNDAY*!!!!! COLTS VS SAINTS!!!

**LET'S GO COLTS!! GET EM!!**

Needless to say...im geeked! Reese and i are headin back to the *317* for a superbowl par-tay at the parentals!!! Im hopin that some of my mains can over and join in the fun, too!! Friends+family+my mom's delicious superbowl treats+THE COLTS IN THE SUPERBOWL= SHWEEEEEEEEEETNESS!!!!!

Now its 630am and im wrapping up my time here with my babies in the lovely CICU (they had a very good night!! ALWAYS a blessing...and i actually had some downtime now to blog..even sweeter!)... ready to go home...get some snoozies...and wake up to an awesome weekend :)

*Crossroads: The Daily*

I really liked this daily scripture/message sent from my amazing Crossroads family. Just wanted to share :)

READ
Galatians 2:26-28

26You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, 27for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

REFLECT

Sometimes it's easier to receive grace than give it.
When you enter into a relationship with Jesus, you immediately become one with the entire family of Christ-followers: past, present, future. You don't handpick this family by deciding who's the most fun to hang around or who makes your life the easiest. Whoever chooses to follow Jesus is part of his family, and every one of us is fully loved and fully redeemed. So even though it's often our tendency to judge and rank others, God sees no distinctions or divisions between us. We all need the same measure of grace.

How does the idea of being welcomed into a new family strike you? What hopes or hesitation does this cause you to feel?
How has this new family (i.e. the Church) been one of the ways you've experienced God's love and freedom?

RESPOND
God's family, the Church, is designed to be a support system for Christ-followers and a force of God's love and freedom in the world. Just like any family unit, in order to be healthy, vibrant and effective, its members must be committed and engaged. Think of one need in your life right now, whether it's physical, emotional or spiritual. Ask God to meet that need through your Church family, and ask him to meet someone else's need through you.