Venting session starring "Sorry, but the weather is too bad"

bitter and having pity on nobody...i realize i chose a profession that requires me to be at work REGARDLESS of holidays/weekends/bad weather but DANG...i get a day off so i schedule the chimney guy to come and fix our chimney so we can have a fire goin but NOPE.."the weather is too bad"...i get up at 430am to be at work by 7 and then work 12.5 hours and then STAY the night at work in order to do wat needs to be done DESPITE the weather...GET UR HINEY OVER HERE AND CLEAN MY CHIMNEY!! I WANT A FIRE GOIN!!! lol..ive been havin quite a few vent sessions recently lol ...to be clear for those who dont REALLY know me...no i wouldnt really expect him to be here...i dont want him to risk gettin stuck or in an accident...im just venting and in a bitter mood cuz i dont get the luxury to "just not make it" cuz "the weather is just too bad" ....this is a fully funded pity party im allowing myself to throw. ill be over it shortly. and ill just spend my little pity party session sitting next to a fireplace that is getting no action haha... ps. despite my bitterness, i hope people r able to stay at home safe and sound and warm with loved ones...no need to go out if u dont have too (although im probably still goin to bed bath and beyond...but thats cuz im a G...bahahahah...SIKE! for real tho i am considering still goin out...its only like a half mile away...ill re-evaluate after a nice warm shower)....i feel better after venting now. Now i want to eat. mmmmmmmm food :) ps. thankful for all those nurses, firefighters, police officers, doctors, etc who all had to make it into work today to do what u do for others....prayin for safe travels

So today we attended a service at a church we haven't been to before ..East 91st ...its been really hard for us bc everytime we go to another church we expect to get Crossroads and obviously never get it bc crossroads is in Cincinnati sooooo yea lol. We've been more honest w ourselves recently tho ...holding into the fact that NO we r not going to find another church like crossroads here in indy but rt CAN hear gods word, worship, and grow in our faith without crossroads ...(we just wish we could b doing all of that ay crossroads lol...I know I know...give it up right?) Anyhoots ...really enjoyed the service and atmosphere ...plan on going again and we are really going to start putting god first FOR REAL by deliberately setting aside "god time" everyday , praying together (still something we r getting used to doing outloud ) , and really stepping out to learn more about His character and teachings and then applying that to our lives ...instead of just praying for god to essentially do everything. Even tho hr can, its our responsibility to be actively seeking and learning. So looking forward to faith growth individually and as a couple :)

Today at CF I took it easy cuz I'm not feeling very well. It's open gym so I just work on butterfly pull-ups , then did some front squatting, push presses, and overheard squats . I can now do 5 butterfly pull-ups in a row but then I for some reason get all confused and my rhythm messes up. The muscles u use for butterfly pull-ups are diff then reg pull-ups too so I'm getting used to that as well . I've been working really hard at my form while lifting too . I am concentrating more on form than weight for now so that eventually ill b able to lift big girl weights and not risk hurting myself. It's all a process..and I'm trying not to be overzealous  and jump for weights I shouldnt b goin for right now. Trying hard to b patient and work my way up methodically. Proud of my butterflies tho....apparently I'm good at the skill work (minus muscle ups...let's be honest now lol) but need a lot of work w weights and strength training.

Reese is doing the 90 day paleo challenge our gym is putting on starting tomorrow and I'm going to keep a food log and eat paleo w him but I'm not doing the actual challenge ...at first I just figured why do the challenge cuz I def won't win cuz I don't have weight to lose and I'd have to b wonder woman to win by increasingy strength so I just figure I'd do it on my own ...I'm kinda thinking I should've done it anyway but its all good ...there's always next time if it becomes that deep.

Lookin forward to getting stronger and being healthier overall eating paleo in company w Crossfit tho ..there's no room for anything but improvement ...hopefully improvement of my current state of BLAH too cuz I'm not feeling this cold business ...ok...night time it is...

Rx'd

So today was both rewarding and frustrating all at the same time . I've been trying to push myself with weight for the WODs bc I badly need to get stronger...never really pushed myself w lifting weights before ...id only lift what was comfortable (which w my weakling self isn't much weight lol). Now I'm really trying to build up my strength and BOY am I paying for it! Today I really wanted to push myself w the prescribed workout since it was weighted (i do fine w rx'd when its bodyweight but ADD weight and that's a whole different story!). It was 75# hang power cleans (10 reps), 15 hands off push ups, then 20 double unders..all if that for 7 rounds ...I can murder some double unders but that was really the only thing going for me ...I usually do modified push ups but today I was determined to push myself and do it all rx'd . Well...I DID IT! :) but it took me 25minutes ...and that's 10 minutes behind some people...about 5 minutes behind most ...not sure if everyone else was doing rx'd tho...but regardless its hard knowing ur the last one to finish. I was so physically exhausted at the end of my 25minutes and then I was battling my pride that I came in last so I simply felt blah afterwards. Reese was so supportive and proud of me for sticking thru the work out ...I just was just having a harder time being proud of myself...YES I realize I've only been doin this for almost 2 months and YES I realize I DID complete it rx'd which many people (particularly females cuz our beautiful bodies r just built different then the Hercules men) don't within 2 months but I still just felt down that it took me so long. I need to b more positive like Reese is to me...its easier for him to b positive tho cuz he's flipping strong as all get out and isn't the last person struggling to finish lol ...but he's usually better at staying positive and uplifting than me...I can b positive and uplifting to everyone else but myself ...I am def my worst critic ...which is a dag-gone shame...I hate when I set ridiculous expectations for myself ...expectations can b the root of a lot of evil ...relationships r better when u don't set unnecessary expectations and just accept and love them for who they are and we are able to love ourselves more when we stop setting unfair expectations. I'm aware of all of this. Just got to pray my mind will actually b transformed so I can think and live this reality out. For the record, I'm getting more and more proud of myself for todays workout ...my muscles r extremely fatigued and to me that's reassurance that I DID indeed push myself to my personal limits and I stuck with it...and for that I give myself a pat on my back (which is difficult to do cuz I'm flippin sore lol) . Gota start being more positive and easier on myself and focus on my personal improvements and quit comparing myself to others and getting down on myself ...unnecessary and wasted energy indeed. So here's to a weighted rx'd workout completed in 25 minutes and the determination to b easier on myself and support myself just as I always support others :)

Hearing aides are in my husbands future

So husbondo and I had to drive separate to CF today and right now we r both sitting in our own cars, windows closed, and I can hear his music PERFECTLY ...at this rate he's gona lose his hearing by 50 ...sheesh! Or knowing my luck ill end up w the hearing aides from "second hand hearing loss" lol.

Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas! Such a great day this is...a day for family, a day of rest, a day of remembering God's love for us, and a day of giving. The hub-o and I essentially just stayed home and hung out ...my parents and ernesto are home too so it's just been a day of jammies, music, presents, food, movies, decorating cookies, and just hangin. We had my mom's Christmas tradition breakfast of eggs benedict (BANGING...per the usual) and like 1 ish cuz we all slept forever lol. Well...actually i woke up at 7am to reese's alarm ...only to find him not in the room but sitting on the couch with berfie sitting in his lap. She has been having some issues recently and apparently was meowing alot this morning and woke him up needing some love. I started to get worried about her meowing, frequent "down there" cleansing and the repeated trips to the litter box only to yield little urine output so i called the vet. I felt TERRIBLE, but when i goggled UTIs in cats it said they could be DEADLY if left untreated so i got extra nervous and had to call the vet who was on call. I started the convo with a "Merry Christmas...i apologize for calling you this early on christmas but i need to know if my cat needs treatment"...the vet was very nice and we eventually got off the phone w directions for me to continue to monitor her urine output and general daily activities (is she still eating/drinking/acting "normal" for the most part) so didnt have to take her in but i ended up staying up with abby and the hubs til about 9 till i took my hiney back to bed while reese took over parental observation of our little fur ball. Reese came in the room at about 10 to wake me up so i didnt sleep in too much, but then his ass fell asleep with me so we didnt get up till 11 ish hahaha...i couldve slept ALL day i promise. The 16 hour shift + abby having a rough night that same night + Cincinnati day trip the following day REALLY wore me out. My bed is so ridiculously dependent on sleep...routine sleep...and AT MINIMUM 7 hours...8-10 hrs is preferred tho. Yea yea yea i know "what r u gona do when u have kids" ...well ill figure that out when we get there lol.

So after we woke up it was just hang out time upstairs...mom cooked her eggs benedict, i woke ernesto up, we all ate, and then headed over to the tree to divie up the gifts. I got my FAVE perfume "origins Ginger Essence" which is fab cuz its really the only scent ill wear everyday...simple, not too strong, earthy, delicious, i love it. Reese's aunt patty bought it for me last year for christmas ( i knew nothing about this delicious scent prior to her exposing it to me) and ive been hooked ever since. I love it so much ill give myself a quick spritz before i go to bed cuz it soothes me..LOVE. IT.

Other gifts were movies (GEEKED about Despicable Me), clothes, boots, the classic and amazing stocking stuffers (including a hedgehog popping out of the top of my stocking...we r totally normal around here lol), gift card for mani/pedi (yea baby), wall art of the tree of life (so beautiful), some books about the zone diet (reese and i are trying this new diet...alot of crossfitters/athletes/people who really care about their health follow this diet), and a coupon for a hot date with my hubby :) We did an in-town get away recently and i loved it so much, so this was a coupon for another! But ya know...maybe we'll switch it up and do our date night get away in Cincinnati in one of the hotels on the river :)

After gift giving/opening we brought the gingerbread cookies downstairs with mom's homemade frosting and decorated the little boogers while watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine. While reese and i were shopping for our fam we fell upon the x-men trilogy and OBVIOUSLY couldnt resist! So we watched Wolverine while sipping on Moscato and decorating gingerbread cookies. Mom and ernesto kept talking during the movie and then wanted to ask what just happened...UNCOOL folks...UNCOOL. I guess ill still love em tho lol. Now its the Lakers vs Miami game while i blog, and reese splits his time between playing Call of Duty and reading our "first 90 days of marriage" book that our friends debbie and josh got us for the wedding. It's ligitmately a great book! Real, down to earth, not cheesy, and great principles for a strong marriage foundation. Mom's upstairs beasting it cooking filet mignon for din din...shes monster a swear (which is a compliment)...i aspire to cook like her one day. For some reason its just hard for me to cook when im here at the house...maybe its cuz i just feel like when ur here mom cooks...i means she loves to do it, shes amazing at it, and usually when u try to help out she ends up taking over (lovingly lol) so i just kind of watch instead haha. I can relate tho...once u do something a certain way for so long its hard to watch and let somebody else do it another way...especially in YOUR house haha. So i cant hate lol. My help comes at clean up time. And eventually ill become a better cook...just all takes time and practice...I feel like once reese and i move out of the parental's basement that we've turned into an apt I will take charge more and really start getting in the groove of cooking.

Anyhoots...back to Christmas before i go in-depth on a whole new subject lol. We will eat dinner here in a bit and then plan on watching Despicable Me while eating popcorn and snuggling. Awesome. lol.

Other key parts of this christmas season:

Last Saturday I went nuts attempting to shop at the mall with the mass crowds and numerous ill mannered individuals. I felt rather scrooge like. And it made me sad. But yesterday all the TRUE Christmas spirit really set in ...starting with getting off work at 11am versus 730pm! Early Christmas present indeed!

On the 22nd we headed down to Cincinnati for a day with family and friends. We went to the show "Awaited" at our cincinnati home church, Crossroads. GOSH do i miss that church and the community. The show was amazing per the usual. The hot chocolate was as delicious as ever...and i REALLY wish i could be a part of that show! Everytime im at Crossroads i feel so overwhelmed with God's spirit...i feel so at peace, at home, and I just like THIS is where i feel renewed. I really would move back to Cincinnati SOLELY for Crossroads and the spiritual growth we experience(d) there...we wont be buying a house for about 2 years according to our master savings plan, but when we do is when we will make the final decision of whether we will buy in cincinnati or indy. A LOT of prayer and keeping spirits/ears open to His plan will be vital.

So BEFORE Awaited we went to his Nana and Grandpa's to visit and to our *SURPRISE* aunt patty, karen, and cousins josie, ethan, and lydia were all there too! How awesome. Patty just made FRESH homemade bread (WOW amazing) and we all sat around chatting it up. Then after awaited we headed to the in-laws for dinner and gift exchange. A very fun-filled family/friend day indeed :)

Other christmas 2010 key points:

-ate too many spritzer cookies...they get me EVERYTIME...sometimes i wish my mom wasnt such a good cook/baker lol. Literally felt NAUSEOUS last night i ate so many. This whole zone diet is gona take A LOT of discipline...i have such a hard time when sweets are staring at me ....

-it was our *first* Christmas as *married folk* :) I can't thank God enough for the gift he gave me as my husband and for the marriage we have started building WAY before the wedding and we continue to make a conscious effort to work on everyday. One of my main goals in life is to be the best wife ever and have the best marriage ever because this marriage and this man mean so much to me. I'm lucky enough to have a husband who makes our marriage a priority as well and wants what i want just as bad...i have so much hope for us, our marriage, and our future solely because we view our marriage and treat our marriage like the most important thing in our life (second only to our Creator and match maker :) I consider myself the luckiest lady alive. And i really dont think im living in la-la land fantasizing about this perfect marriage and perfect world...im WAY too realistic and flawed to believe in THAT...what i KNOW is that we are both imperfect people...and thus we both have to always make the effort to work on ourselves and our marriage...my Aunt Jill puts it so well.."our goal is to get our spouse to heaven"...we love one another SO much as to help them become who God created them to be...not in a judgmental manner or as a disciplinary action...but lovingly help one another grow closer to God and as we grow closer to God we grow closer to love and thus our marriage and us as individuals just continue to get better and better. Not a bad plan now, is it?!?! But there i go again with getting off the simple topic of "christmas 2010" hahahaa

-we BOTH finished the stockings we were making one another...i think we both surprised ourselves at how crafty we could be! With the help of Mama Martin we got things goin and picked up on the sewing and stitching pretty fast! We put "momma" and "papa" for our names...not bc we have kids now (other than berfie of course lol)...but bc we will...and honestly, even if God's plan is different and we end up without kids he is still the father of our relationship and im the mother.. so cant go wrong. I'm gonna go shopping for more stocking kits here soon tho so we can start on our future kids' stockings hahaha...just so we can get a good head start and dont have to rush when the future little boogers grace us with their presence :)

-This Christmas was without Awahito...the house most definitely hasnt been the same without him...we got to talk to him today for that good 20 minute phone call so atleast we got that. His spirits sounded up which always lifts us up as well...but missing him at home is there regardless. Ready for him to be home in January. Praying its all uphill for him from now on...thinking of all those celebrating Christmas alone or without family...praying they would, too, find peace of mind and joy of heart...wherever they may be.

- ive been thinking ALOT about the families and individuals who will spend Christmas remembering the loss of a loved one...with the tragic loss of one of my young co-workers this september still fresh in my mind my heart just pours out to all those who spend their holidays remembering the holidays past which included their lost loved ones. I think of my niece Ny'Shawn and her mother+family and how bittersweet the holidays must always be. I always think of my Grandpa's around the holiday but i unfortunately didnt ever really get to spend too much time with my grandpa eastman, and while i spent alot of time with my grandpa kovatch he was ready to go meet his creator and was happy looking back on the life he lived so its easier for me to do the same. It's the tragic loss of a loved one that gets me...especially around the holiday season. But those loved ones lost get to spend Christmas in the best seat in the house...with their heavenly Father. I know Ny'Shawn is dancing around with the angels now :)

Anyhoots! All in all its been a great Christmas...good time of reflection...good time thinking of future christmases especially when reese and i are in our own place and start our own traditions with our kids...good time to relax for a solid day since i didnt have to work...and an unfortunate display of lack of control when it comes to baked goods. How sad. Poor cholesterol. And MAN am i gona feel it next time at crossfit. EEK!

Thank you God for loving us so much as to give us your son to teach us about you and to display for us what love REALLY is...O come let us adore Him...

ps. one of my FAVORITE versuses from a favorite christmas song, Oh holy night...

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

GO TO SLEEP ABITHA !!!!!! UR MOTHER IS GOIN CRAZY!

Never thought my cat would drive me to insanity. Got home from a 16hr shift ready to go to bed and she has managed to wake me up about every 45min ..its 20minutes till I've been up for 24hrs...shes not sick , she has the essentials, but she won't shut up and go to sleep! I'm now upstairs and shut away from all animals ...if I don't sleep soon this Cincinnati day trip is really gona b a doozy ... I'm uber dependent on sleep as it is and now i haven't slept since 545 the previous morning?! Yea...this isn't any good ...and I won't even be able to sleep all day tomorrow cuz of the Cincinnati trip ...which I'm excited about but I mean I'm gona b groggy all day and look like I've been punched in both eyes w these dark circles I'm sure to have...I pray abby isn't sick and that's y she's meowing so much ...she doesn't act sick tho so that's good ...she's just driving her mama nuts! And this terrifies me for the future w kids ...I mean most of the time kids keep u up often when they r babies and then only when they r sick when they get older...when they r sick I feel like it'll b easier to suck up the lack of sleep and atleast when they r babies they only wake up q3h for the first few months (prayerfully) ...I just hope this doesn't happen too often if my (future) kids know what's good for their mama and , thus, them lol. Ok well now I'm done eating my oatmeal (once I got upstairs I still couldn't sleep ...this time cuz my stomach was aching in hunger as if u didn't have a "bedtime" snack at 1230am when I got home from work...oh and note that the whole time I was in the kitchen abby was meowing and scratching at the basement door to come upstairs ...I opened the door, snuggled her, asked her what her problem was, she meowed again, so her ass went BACK in the basement lol ...I can love her from afar ) ...ok ...goodnight ...prayerfully ...

Humbug

I love Christmas...i love the music...i love the decorations...i love the family and friend get togethers...and i love the reason we celebrate. I love Christmas mass, I love singing happy birthday to Jesus (lol...my family really does...its uber corny but i love it oh so much), and i love the gratitude that overwhelms me thinking that God would send us Jesus for our sake...to bring us peace and salvation eternally. I love the strength of Mary...how she immediately accepted the great gift of bearing the Son of God...just simply had enough faith to let His will be done without question. I love it all....

What I've been having a hard time with tho is this "christmas spirit" aka gift giving. Now don't get me wrong i LOVE giving gifts to people, especially as a surprise or when i buy something just bc i KNOW they'd love it. But for whatever reason i have such a hard time with gift buying for christmas. It's like i get super pressured to go out and buy people stuff JUST because its christmas...like it's expected..a given. And i know that the gift giving is so much more than that but for some odd reason i just get more and more turned off by the whole gift aspect of christmas. I'm asked "what i want for christmas" ....ummmm whatever u think id like??? It's not about what i WANT. It's about what YOU want to give simply because you think it will bring joy. And that's what I want to do...and i know plenty of people dont have a hard time with all this and if i had this convo w them theyd be like "DUH...thats why i love buying gifts so much" but i dunno...i just feel so pressured and i dont necessarily feel all that excited to go buy gifts cuz i cant help this feeling that im buying people gifts cuz i have to...

I bet if i started christmas shopping earlier things would be different...id have plenty of time to browse around several stores and malls to get great ideas and find things that really scream out " YES! so-and-so WOULD LOVE THIS!!" instead of running around the MOBS of crazy people (let me emphasize CRAZY!) with the feeling that all i have to do is buy people on my list a gift just to have a gift to give. If i started earlier i could beat the crowds...have plenty of time for thoughtful, loving gifts that would bring me just as much joy as it would the person receiving it.. and maybe with more time i wouldnt feel so pressured. But today i just felt like Scrooge walking amongst everyone just hoping to buy SOMETHING for people...it's definitely NOT what the season is about...the season that i love so much...

I'm determined. Next year will be different. I'll start making a list of my gift giving ideas even before Thanksgiving and then designate days to go out just to browse to see what else i can find and what makes me smile enough to actually buy for my loved ones. Maybe ill go with friends or family who really got the joyful shopping stuff done to an art so it will be more of a fun time w friends event. Ya know...now that i think about it...i hate shopping in general...maybe thats why i get discouraged by christmas shopping...cuz not only is it shopping for mass people but its almost forced shopping and its with jam packed malls with people who run into u and dont even both to say excuse me. I hate malls to begin with...let alone when they are packed. So yes, i think i need to start all this christmas gift giving sooner...or maybe online shopping? And i also think i need to start thinking about how i want to maurice and i to have christmas as a family when kidos come along...cuz neither one of us want it to be about "making a list" and getting all that u want on it...but then i also want to bring that special joy that only kids TRULY receive to our little ones...i know there's a perfect balance...my parents did a pretty darn good job at it so im sure maurice and i will find it, too. Anyhoots...just kinda felt like scrooge and needed to get some of that off my chest briefly. I love giving and i love the Christmas season...but still gotta find that happy balance with gift buying...gotta find a way to make it just as joyful to me as it is to those who will receive it cuz if i get joy out of the gift i bought for someone then SURELY they will be that much more joyous cuz gifts that make the giver happy to give bc they just KNOW their loved one will LOVE it always end up being the greatest presents for the recipient...and thats how it should be.

Team WOD

So Saturdays are team WODs and it was my first team WOD today and i LOVED IT! first of all...workin out with the people at CF Indynorth is just awesome cuz there are so many fun and encouraging people...that always makes psycho workouts more manageable. Teams were made with the attempt to have 2 experienced cross-fitters and 2 not so experienced CFers...so needless to say i was one of the not so experienced CFers, and I was paired with 2 SUPER beastly CFers and then one other guy who started around when i did. The workout was intense. I really thought I held my own (for my "experience" or lack thereof) but i still felt bad cuz i couldnt go as fast as the other woman on my team so she ended up doing more reps to help keep us in the running (the guys on our team did the same thing)...we were last (3/3) the entire time UNTIL the part of the WOD were we had to do 250 double unders and THIS is where i could really contribute! I was BEASTIN the double unders and helped bring us in to 2nd place!!! I realize im really new at this so i try not to make unnecessary expectations out of myself, but i just wish i could be as strong as alot of these CFers NOW lol. Obviously i realize that all takes time, but that doesnt take away my desire to be at that status at this point in time lol. I'm being rather impatient....but the fact that i was able to REALLY contribute today with the double unders felt awesome, im not gona lie. And it made me realize that i gotta take everything in stride...go really hard in the areas im strong in and just keep working on my strength and endurance to get stronger in my weak areas (and i have many weak areas lol...my poor little weakling self). Anyhoots...really loved working out as a team today...loved the encouragement...loved pushing myself harder and harder...loved taking a nap AFTER that crazy intense workout, and loved seeing my hard work contribute to our team coming in 2nd place!!! Definitely positive reinforcement...and definitely cant wait to continue to see my progression!!

That's right ..I got bold

I woke up this morning unsure of what 10am would bring ...i had a hair appointment...FINALLY...ive been wanting to change my hair for SO LONG...as in since like high school lol..i just never got bold enough to cut my hair off...i just kept going longer and longer. Which was great for the wedding cuz my hair is super beasty (compliments of Mrs Abby Robertson= beast-a-tron), but after the wedding i just HAD to do something different...even if it was 2 inches off...just something! But I actually got bold enough go for the short hair look...been talking about it forever...finally followed thru! I started off this morning like the first few pics...and ended...with hair above the shoulders! That's right madame mim...got bold enough to chop it off! I'm not gonna lie...i wanted to cry at first...it becomes an emotional attachment...hair becomes a part of who we are almost. I know the song goes " i am not my hair" but DANG it sure does become an attachment...but once i looked in the mirror it confirmed my hair was gone...there was nothing i could do about it ...but embrace it. And i finally realized it really wasn't that deep...so today i did more than cut my hair off...i got passed a fear and let go of some chains! ALLELUIAH!!! YES YES!!!!! LIBERATION!!! As the day has gone by i like it more and more...the husband LOVED it from first site which helped the transition from long to short...but i still had some getting used to and its def got better! Who knows maybe next time i go in for a hair appt ill go a little shorter!! orignally wat i wanted was it to be longer in front and then have a steeper angle for the "bob" so maybe ill go for that next time...who knows?!?! since im passed my hair alteration fear i feel like i can do anything! except shave it lol. DUH. I'm glad i went thru with it tho...its really grown on me...and im glad i went thru with it and broke the chains i made with this head of hair of mine...i feel liberated ..."I am not my hair" :)

A Day to Give Thanks :)

Ahhhh yes....thanksgiving :)  A day to sit back and reflect on all we have to be thankful for...well, really i feel like we all should do that everyday...but today is a whole day designated for it! I have SO much to be thankful...i feel so blessed for all the wonderful people in my life, my journey thus far, the brightness of my future, my health, my happiness, my financial peace, for music and my ability to share myself with it...For a job that's not only a place to get paid but it's rewarding knowing that I'm being used to help these babies grow and get healthy enough to go home and to help the parents in the journey from hospital to home. Thankful for my relationship with God...thankful for His mercy and grace, His support and love..for His faithfulness...for protecting and keeping my loved ones..for everything all the life lessons that have helped me grow to be who I am today.

So very much to thankful for ...glory be to God for His goodness ....

SMOKED!

So went to Crossfit at 1pm today and we did our warm up, back squats, and then our WOD. I only back squated 115# cuz I've never really lifted for real before and was too nervous to keep trying ..but Im still proud of the 115# and am lookin forward to improving. One women squated 235# !! Crazy right? Most women were doing around 135# tho ...I got some work to do! Then we did our WOD which was 8 rounds of 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off of : burpees, 20" box jumps, and squats . It was insane! I did a total of 64 burpees , 33 box jumps (thought id do better w those being a former vball player and high jumper! Guess not lol ), and then I did 84 air squats (this one lady did 182 !) ... I actually did the best in burpees but I got SMOKED in everything else! It's inspiring to see these people do so well tho! I'm tryna get like them! Lol. Crossfit indy north is actually hosting a competition in January and I can't wait to watch and cheer and hope to get that good someday! We shall see tho ...oh yea! And I did 12 double unders today! Double unders are when u r jumping rope the rope goes under twice for every one jump..the other day my record was 4 so I def surprised myself w that!

So now its work for the next 3 days so no Crossfit :( excited for thanksgiving w the fam! Sean, nicole and Keaton will b there AND the in-laws including sister for life (aka sister-in-law lol) ...only sad thing is I will b one brother short :( he will be there in spirit tho ...not too much longer til he's back home! Regardless of the situation there is so much to b thankful for...family being one at the top of the list! Love my fam-o ...

Crossfit on Friday (after 3 days off AND eating thanksgiving dinner) is gona b a doozy ! But I'm ready for the challenge! And gota stay focused so I don't keep gettin smoked!  Hahaha ...all in due time!

P.S.

*I wanna be a burlesque dancer ...but only if i can sing at the same time lol. I cant wait for the movie Burlesque to come out... and i should've been told about the auditions for the movie cuz better believe i wouldve been there lol

*I'm finally doing SOMETHING to my hair..have an appt this friday...not entirely sure how bold im gona be feeling so we'll see wat actually gets done (lord knows i talk alot about cutting my hair off and it NEVER happens lol)..even if i just take an inch or 2 off and add some more layers tho itll be enough to atleast give me a change. Not doin any color this time but might actually join the hair coloring world soon if my hair stylist envisions something amazing and i actually will fork over the greenery for it lol

*i love my *husband*

*we will be entirely debt free by the end of this month--> AMAZING feeling! Big plans ahead :)

*Had ALOT of fun at abi and mike's wedding yesterday...I feel very blessed to have been their cantor for the ceremony...singing in that beautiful church with the AMAZING acoustics was such a joy and so happy i could contribute to their wedding celebration...and it was so awesome thinking back on our wedding mass which was only 3 weeks ago when we exchanged our vows for forever...such an amazing day and start to this new chapter :)

*i look forward to delighting in gravy this thursday...i have alot to thankful for...one of those things being gravy...even tho i cant eat it as often as id like.

Striving to be a BEAST...

So my husbando and my's newest addition to our life is a little something called Crossfit. Crossfit is a RATHER extreme form of working out..it's an intense strength and conditioning program that kicks ya booty into ridiculous shape. I truly believe that if ur dedicated to crossfit u have NO CHOICE but to become a machine lol...there are actually competitions for crossfit athletes...im tellin ya its a big deal! I originally wasnt interested AT ALL in competing (except for against myself) but ive watched some of the videos of the womens rounds at last years crossfit games and i got SO HYPE watching those girls kick butt! they must be so proud of themselves for being able to accomplish such an amazing level of fitness...at first i was nervous to do crossfit cuz i saw some youtube videos of these crossfit girls that were DIESEL...like manly diesel...and i became fearful that i would bulk up and look like a man...reese has always told me thats not possible because of my body composition but it scared me anyway...but the girls i watched in the video at last year's games still looked feminine but were DEFINITELY fit and killin it...so now im excited and hope to one day have enough strength and endurance to be able to compete and actually hang with some of these women.

Reese has LOVED crossfit from the first day of on-ramp (the "beginner's" course to crossfit..its kind of like an introduction to all the basic exercises)...his wife, who is such an amazingly smart woman who knows her husband VERY well, knew he would love it because its so intense, athletic, and competitive. When he walked in and saw the wall of the WODs (workout of the day) w people's best times i could see his eyes light up and im sure what he was envisioning was his name on as many WOD records as possible lol. Such a competitor. I could've cared less when i looked at all that. I really just wanna compete against myself and keep pushing myself to get better and better...stronger and stronger...and if i get to the level where i could hang in a competition then SURE, id love to...like i said earlier i got REAL hype watchin the women's videos from last year's games. But for now, i just love it for the intensity, the structure (ur form has to be IN CHECK bc of the intensity of the workouts), and the sense of community and comaraderie that fills the warehouse. It's awesome. We both got so excited that we bought crossfit hoodies for our gym, Indy North. The coaches are fun, encouraging, inspiring, and awesome...and i love meeting new fellow crossfitters. We eventually have to have "the talk" with Bryn (the owner and one of the coaches)...by "the talk" im talking about nutrition...which i think will be AWESOME but also difficult cuz we both will have some big changes to make im sure. I eat pretty healthy to begin with but man i love me some ice cream and occasional baked goods! its why i NEVER buy or make them myself cuz i lose control and discipline...but whenever i turn around it always seems like there's a cupcake or tub of ice cream starring at me in the face. They follow me EVERYWHERE! Stalkers....

Today was our first WOD bc we just got done with on-ramp...we did a workout called "hellen" which was 3 rounds for time of a 400 meter run, 21 kettlebell swings (the prescribed weight i used was 26# cuz i gotta start small w my weak self lol), and then 12 pull ups. I SUCK at running so that obviously killed me...but i felt really great on the pull ups and kettlebell swings! I was told to use a band for my pull ups bc Bryn knew id prolly tire out doin 3 rounds of 12 w the kettlebell swings and all and BOY am i glad i did cuz my arms were startin to feel like jello..but i am really proud of myself cuz im actually able to do pull ups SOLO which i was never able to do before! its so encouraging to already feel like im making advancements...its all very addicting! which ive heard other people say that have been doing crossfit but didnt know how addicting it really is! wat sucks is i cant workout as often as id like since on the days that i work i cant workout AT ALL thanks to my awesome 12.5 hour shifts...i feel like if i ever really wanna train to compete im gona have to work in a clinic/office or something so i can workout more often. If that day ever comes im sure ill figure something out...until then im just gona keep on keepin on!

If you're interested in learning more about crossfit check our www.crossfit.com, youtube it, or google a crossfit in your city and check it out in person!

Snuggie bar crawlin it

So Friday night I met up with Alex and Angela (who r HILAR) in brip for a snuggie bar crawl. In Alex's words...we were "drinkin for the kids" lol. DORK. hahaha...no but for real we were doin the snuggie bar crawl to raise money for the Ronald McDonald house which im OBVIOUSLY a HUGE supporter for being a pediatric nurse and knowing first hand how important that foundation/resource is for families with sick little ones. Unfortunately, I didn't have a snuggie...and my frugal self wasnt gona go BUY one just for the event sooooo i took my handy dandy big fluffy blue robe, put it on backwards, and tied 'er up! WAH-LAH!! instant "white trash snuggie" (quote per fellow snuggie bar crawler who was quite the professional snuggie wearer lol). There's a competition at the beginning of the crawl of best get-up and she actually won it...she was rather decked out and i had to give her props...i missed the competition tho cuz i had to work and didnt get to brip until after it started. Which brings me to an AWESOME moment in my life. Picture it: im wearing my scrub pants still and just took off my scrub top so was wearin a white tee...i step out of dolores merchinski (the vehicular) in front of some italian restaurant full of young profressions out on a friday night...head to my trunk and pull out a big fluffy robe...proceed to put the robe on and tie up...then look up to see two men all decked out in their suits and shmancy coats staring at me like im JUUUUUST not right...so i try and make light of the AWKWARD situation by laughing at my super hot outfit to them...only for them to not laugh AT ALL and continue to stare and then for me to walk away...by myself...praying to find fellow snuggie bar crawlers and my friends ASAP lol. I'm not positive but i think i might have heard those 2 young gentlemen mumble "peasant" under their breath as i walked away. There's a really good chance actually...and even if they didnt actually say it...they looked like the type that would GENUINELY be thinking it. Poor babies...too snooty booty to appreciate a good homemade snuggie lol.

Anyhoots! Had a ton of fun w the girls and we have already started planning our AWESOME snuggie outfits for next for the competition...its gona be AMAZING...cant give any details tho JUST IN CASE our competition finds my blog and gets any inside. We warned our competition of our determination to win next year...and threatened them repeatedly. I'm pretty sure we accomplished instilling fear into their bones. They are NOT gona know what hit them when they see us next year.

PLENTY of people took pics of me and my robe-ie (robe version of the snuggie) so i feel like im PROBABLY all over several peoples facebook lol...i was quite the center of attention by both fellow snuggers and innocent by-standers. I felt PRETTTTTY awesome lol

Lookin forward to next year!!!

ps. the first bar i made it to was "brothers"...so i ordered food...and it was BANGIN!! the queso chicken wrap and their fries are AMAAAAAZING! cant have that again for a LONG time tho...between crossfit and my ridiculous and consistently climbing cholesterol i dont get much "splurge" food. Whats really funny about all that tho is that i finally got my cholesterol checked at a physician's office so that i could finally talk w a doc about what, if anything, i need to do medically to manage my cholesterol...and after i BEEN told both the doc and the nurse that ive BEEN exercising and eating healthy for a LONG TIME i STILL got told to "exercise and eat healthy" for 6 months and then they'd recheck it and we'd go from there. SeRiOuSlY?!?!?! my KNOWN (it could've been higher for longer but ive only KNOWN for 2 years) climbing cholesterol has now been goin on for about 2 years..luckily i have a really high HDL level so hopefully my good cholesterol has been doin its job and not allowing all that bad cholesterol to build up in my poor and innocent arteries setting my heart or brain up for failure :( Oh genetics...y must u be doing this to me!

I just wanna blog!

I've wanted to blog for SO LONG and it just never happens...something always ends up trumping it..or my thoughts r running so fast that i dont even bother to sit down and try to type them out bc either a) i wont accomplish wat i wanted to or b) itll take FOREVER to actually get out all that i want to. Very unfortunate situation. And I'm gona continue to not be able to blog...atleast not right now....gotta shower, run errands, and take a nap. Hopefully read a little. But i AM a married woman now...call me Mrs. Brown :) and we ARE essentially DEBT FREE (got the money for it just need to set up the payment method...which is a whole different and much longer story)...and i am DYING for a hair change but not sure what to do and not sure whether ill actually be bold enough to finally do something different...awaiting a phone call back from my stylist. I'm thinking about letting her do whatever she thinks will look best. I love Maurice Anthony. I love calling him my husband. HUSBAND HUSBAND HUSBAND HUSBAND!!! and i love when he calls me his wife...and now when he says it its actually "official"...i love BEING his wife...and i love that HE is my husband. I have extreme baby fever...often....but am trying to stay focused and tame the fever lol. We are both VERY excited for kids but want to grow and build our foundation a bit more first...just recently started crossfit...so far...its awesome..and my *husband* reaaaaalllllyyyyyyyy loves it...his *wife* knew he would ;) ...looking for a second job cuz getting mandatory called off on a routine basis is NOT ok NOR part of our master plan lol. ok...now its time to get back to all the other stuff i wanted to do...and hopefully ill get back to blogging later! hopefully ill be able to start jotting my thoughts down on here more routinely...doubt itll happen tho lol...

this has been Mrs. Brown---- OUT!

P.S.

It's stinkin gorgeous outside...oh how i love the fall :)

19 DAYS!!!

Holy Lord have mercy today marks 19 more days until Maurice and I are *MARRIED* !!!!! Ever since it turned october ive just been in disbelief that this is FINALLY *THE* month! I get butterflies everytime i think of it...i cant wait for this new chapter of our lives as husband and wife...i cant wait to enter into this most deep sacrament shared in marriage...I cant wait to call him my husband...and for him to call me his wife (and ill officially BE his wife..hes been calling me wife forever now lol). I cant wait to share this most special day with our loved ones and I hope that all those who are already married at the wedding remember their own vows and their own special day and smile...i hope that those who are single see and experience God's love thru us and in the sacrament...i hope the food is as scrumptious as the day we trialed it and i hope the dance floor is poppin :)

This whole wedding planning process has been so enjoyable and while i def had some stressful days (bound to happen at some point) everything really has just fallen into place for us...my mom and i went to check out our table set-up for the reception yesterday and its so beautiful. We also met with the ceremony musician which was fabo...glad to have had that sit down w him and get all those little details taken care of. Had my hair trail run today and abby is a beast (DUH!) so im feelin GREAT for the big day...everything else really are just little things that if they dont ever happen im A-OK with it and they simply wont get done...ive been typing out a "week of" timeline with a run down of each day so that when the week comes we should be prepared with what needs to get done and everyone will be on the same page...yea so im a little type A...i just call myself prepared and a great planner :) in all reality tho i really just dont want to be trying to figure things out the week of and potentially getting stressed out...i want to 100% enjoy my wedding day so im hoping that by planning everything out everything will get taken care of ...when i wake up on that saturday its all about maurice and i becoming husband and wife and then celebrating with friends and nothing else...

Can't believe it's just around the corner...Can't wait to be husband and wife...Praise be to God for the love and friendship we've found in each other and for LOVE in general!!!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference

2 Words

Baby. Fever.

Oh my lordy have i been having baby fever!! And for a while now! Sometimes are worse than others...like somedays i actually get kinda of nervous and/or intimidated bc my mind likes to wander from me and unfortunately doubt enters my mind more than id like (good thing is i got my homeboy Jesus on my side to get rid of those thoughts when they try and pop up!! lol)...its really stupid stuff that i "fear" too......like what if i turn into a "mommy only" kinda of mom and forget to just be me and then suddenly hav a crazy weirdo breakdown?...what if my kids think im supposed to be superhuman and then i let them down?...or (brace yourselves...this fear is AWESOME) what if our kids dont like me and they only like their dad??? BAHAHAHA! im not lying when i say i actually THINK these things...and i realize its hilarious especially when verbalized...but this is just a small sliver of the unfortunate side of my mind.

Anyhoots! Aside from all of that stuff I am SUUUUUUPER excited for little ones!! I think Reese and I will do a really great job as parents and I hope one day we can look at what we have helped mold and raise and pat ourselves on the back knowing the world that will continue on when we're gone will be better off because of the genuinely GOOD people we've left behind. I don't mind of they make mistakes along they way (bc they indefinitely will- good ole free will-...i hope they arent MAJOR mistakes but if they r i hope they will be better for it)....i just hope they have christ-like hearts, they put God above all, they do good by others regardless of how others do by them, they know and live love, they can admit their mistakes and flaws and then keep on walking, and they can love themselves for who they are and love others for who they are...

Reese and I were laying on the hammock yesterday and i just looked at him and took so much pride that he would be the father of my babies...i started to hope that our little boys would grow up just like their daddy...i hoped our girls boyfriends/husbands would treat them just like their daddy treats their mommy...i got so excited at the fact that reese and my love could be so powerful that it could bring a little one into this world....a little product of our love to hold :) just so flippin awesome i love it!

i got a lot of people (married people with kids) that tell me that "everything changes" when kids come into the picture and "wait for a while before u have kids so u can enjoy ur time together"...i can understand how things will be different...wont have alone time whenever we want....wont have "free time"...will always be having to cater to the kids...blah-zay-blah...YES i can see that life might be a little bit more stressful...little less go with the flow and spontaneous...but what about all the JOYS that come with little ones? cant kids bring a marriage together bc ur communication has to be ON POINT...wouldnt ur love grow everytime u looked at the product of ur love? not to mention we'll have an excuse to do all the fun "kid" activities that we love doing but we look kinda ridiculous doing it together as adults without kids lol...and we've already determined that we are going to live close to family/friends that can watch our kids bc our MARRIAGE COMES FIRST...yes we will love our kids like crazy and bc we love them so much well be talkin about em all the time even when we rnt around them but we gotta have TIME TO OURSELVES....ATLEAST one date night a month...we r shooting for 2 though...and im definitely gona have barnes and nobles days (without kids) to regain sanity and have some silence so just drop the kids off at the parentals or a friends house for an hour or two, get some jessi time, then come back... i realize this isnt the reality for many people bc they dont live by family and have to pay for and find babysitters or their family is too busy bc they have a life of their own as well...but ive already recruited a team of family/friend babysitters and im holding them to it!! haha

anyhoots...kids are blessings...and i just cant wait for reese and to share in that...and im not gona lie i love preggo bellies so i cant wait to have a one again :) minus the super swollen feet and pre-eclampsia tho hahaha...this time around (whenever that time is) is gona be MUCH different lol and im already excited for it...

for now ill keep on loving the family of 3 (reese, me, and berfie- our cat- ) and ill cherish the spontaneity we have now and the slow relaxing lounge around days that we're able to share!

Tales from the bedside

First of all...if anyone from my cchmc residency has just read the title of this blog--> BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!! lol and I hope ur final presentations were just dandy lol

Ok...so now what I wanted to write about...

Old news: I work in a NICU now...

Today news: my heart breaks with every withdrawal baby that i hear scream, see tremble, and hold tightly trying to calm them...

We get more withdrawal babies than id like to know exist (although even prior to this job i knew that unfortunately there are MANY babies out there born addicted to drugs)...knowing they are out there breaks my heart...holding them in my arms...borderline rips my heart out and absolutely crushes me.

Today I walked over to a little babe's crib...who wasn't my baby for the day but the nurse was busy and the little one was screaming so since i had some downtime i made my way over to his bedside...I pulled the little munchkin out of his crib, held him tight, and assisted him w his paci (some babies need a little help holding that bad boy in there haha)...after a minute or so (which felt like a LIFETIME) of him bursting out with a shrilling cry i found myself just staring at him...staring into those suffering eyes..hurt by the feel of his tremoring little frame...

A part of me just wanted him to get it together, quiet down, and snuggle into my arms...but i grew sadder knowing that he couldnt calm down bc of choices someone else made for him...whether intentional or not. Then I actually wanted him to scream. Because honestly...he was dealt some SERIOUS cards right out of the gates...and the reality he was born into just isnt fair...

He finally calmed down...so i propped him up on my chest...his little diaper booty in one hand...my other hand laid on top of him...my head snuggled up next to his. And my heart just sank. If it would've been just me and him in a room alone a tear PROBABLY would've found it's way down my cheek.

I didn't want to put him down. Ever. I wanted to KNOW he'd end up going home to a healing mommy...and not just added to the vicious cycle of addition. I wanted him to know that his mommy had a rough path of her own she was traveling..and I wanted to know that she loved herself and him enough to continue to get help...and i prayed hed grow up knowing her in a different way, forgiving her for mistakes, and for being better for it. Then I thought of her...about what kind of journey she's lived thus far...about how she got here, looking into the face of her son who was withdrawing....about the pain she most surely carries in her heart...about the layers and strategies she uses to hide that pain.

And gosh darn it my heart just HURT!!! And it still does...for the mother who found herself caught in the web of addiction...and for the baby who didnt ask for this....

Addictions, whatever type they may be, stem from a story....a story sometimes so deep the individual that is addicted cant even pinpoint when and where the story began...they dont even realize the story exists. Unfortunately, that individual's addiction will indefinitely affect SOMEONE in their life...whether the effect is a positive or negative one simply depends...but indefinitely SOMEONE will be affected. In some cases...the affected can choose whether to stick around or not...in a newborn's case...they never had a choice. It's just plain and simply unfair..

By no means is this a bash on the mom(s) of withdrawal babies...the moms are just as sick as the babes and my heart breaks just as much for them...for the cycle they have fallen into...i just pray that the ones that do get help while they are pregnant continue to get help...and i pray for the moms who genuinely dont seem to care...bc i can bet that if they could be removed from the life they are currently living (and have usually lived for a long time) and truly given a FRESH START (which unfortunately is borderline impossible for most) u would find them on their knees...and the pain that they've been forced to bury deep will weep out along the tears...

Praying for these babies tonight...praying for their mommies....praying for that breaking point to be NOW...praying for a turn around...praying for the second (or 10,000th) chance that will break them free....